Dear Nicole:
I don’t remember your previous post although i may have commented on it then. Reading this post it is my understanding that you are very aware of what is going on: his controlling behavior, his abuse, the necessity to not engage in a relationship with him, etc. I don’t think you need advice on what you already know.

Your longing for him at times, your attachment to him, suggests to me that you grew up with a parent that rejected you and that your present agony has to do with that original relationship, with the attachment- trauma of that relationship which you didn’t process yet and which needs healing. What do you think? If I am correct I have more to say, but I need to know your thoughts about my response here.

Take care:
anita

Dear Nicole:
I read your response. That loneliness and lack of attention in your childhood- that lack of being seen, validated, comfortem… it is an injury, a wound, a trauma that is still hurting you. How are you going about it in therapy to heal from it? What is the game plan there??? I hope your therapy is more than just catharsis, talking and feeling better. I hope there are skills taught, objectives and a plan about how to meet them…???

i found lots of clarity and sense making in “complex post traumatic stress disorder, C-ptsd” diagnosis (not part of the symptom oriented DSM). There is a website by this guy that i found very helpful.

the repetition compulsion- getting stuck in a relationship with a person that is as unavailable as our parent/s and trying to make him SEE us and love us just like we tried to make the parent see us and love us.

The fight to be seen, attended to, accepted, comforted, safe…
anita

Hi Nicole,

I’m no shrink, but I honestly don’t think you have “complex post traumatic stress disorder”. Or any label! I simply think you are recovering from a bad break up and getting out from under a particularly nasty little man.

And I’m not saying you have a bad therapist or even that you should change therapists. But a good one GETS you. Does she “get” what you’re going through at all?? Yes, deal with the underlying stuff, absolutely. But you primarily need to feel HEARD. No, he is not a “regular person”. He is an abuser who would love to be your stalker. She should be congratulating you for handling this as well as you are, and thanking your lucky stars he’s out of your life.. Now, about your childhood.

And here’s a secret ~ It’s OK to think and even BELIEVE that he’s miserable deep down. Hey! If it gets you through the day, right? In fact, believe that he’s kicking himself every day! It might be true, and if it’s not, he would never admit it! 😉 Change the script in your head. Just don’t contact him again or receive contact from him. Ever.

Hi Nicole,

We often seek to feel “good” in relationships, because we are unable to help our mind feel safe. You are seeking something that this relationship provided for you. Don’t judge your mind for yearning for it–you know to stay away, that isn’t the issue. But be curious. What was this relationship doing for you?

A lot of times we have a lot of misunderstandings about ourselves, so that we are not able to feel safe and at peace. Self-attack and limiting beliefs about ourselves can lead us to seek peace through external sources. But even in a good relationship, the “good” feeling is no substitute for truly being at peace with ourselves. When we are comfortable in our own skin, we don’t become so addicted to unhealthy relationships.

Hang in there!

Bethany
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

Dear Nicole:
It seems to me, from what you are describing, that it may be impossible to get you to a place where you stop thinking and overthinking HIM and only then focus on you. She can USE your thinking about you to help you get in touch with YOU.

In a post above you wrote: “But I want to believe that he’s miserable deep down and that I wasn’t making him miserable!!! I want to believe that he’s not a happy person and that he’ll probably never change.”

A good therapist, I believe, will use your concern about whether he is happy or not to dig deeper into you, figure out what FUELS this concern, maybe obsession (recurring concern, lots of thinking about it). Something is fueling it and it has to do with you.

You wrote (quote) that you wish he was miserable but that it wasn’t you causing him misery. This is a loaded statement and a LOT in it to be looked into, examined.

In your original post you wrote about knowing he is not good for you but in a dream you longed for him. You wrote about your lonely experience growing up with your family, your father an alcoholic, your mother ignoring the fact that his alcoholism was affecting you, treating it like an issue between her and him only. You wrote about the fights with her as a preteen and teenager.

I will not be surprised if (and I am guessing) you felt responsible for the LACK of attention in your childhood, lack of validation, not being SEEN this way. Maybe you are longing for the truth, that is, that your parents were indeed UNHAPPY and that their unhappiness was not your fault, you didn’t cause it. Maybe this is the original conflict and instead of focusing on it, you focus on whether the ex bf is happy, hoping he is not and that it is not your doing…?

If you get to the original wound fueling your over occupation with the ex bf’s happiness and what not, then you will be dealing with the real issues directly.

What do you think…?
anita

Dear Nicole:
i made a mistake with the pronoun, writing “use your thinking about you to help…” instead of ‘use your thinking about him to help…” What I meant is that if she is trying to have you stop overthinking him before she focuses on your childhood/ core issues than I think it may be impossible. I meant she can use your overthinking of him as a source of information about how you are thinking about you based on your childhood experience.

As you can probably read I did not mean that you are not capable of healing. I was doubting her method. I am quite suspicious of psychotherepists- many are not good at what they do. I finally had a good one and he was not perfect but good enough.

Regarding the question at the end of your last post, without remembering right now (or re-reading) the details of your posts to remind myself- I will say TRANSFERENCE is one issue- the seeing your rejecting parent in a romantic partner and re-playing the same dynamics. So as you talk or examine the dynamics with a guy, you repeat same dynamics as took place when you were a child. I hope this answers your last question, and I am humble about my input and answers. Everything has to go through your brain for accepting or rejecting or … examining further.

Take care, I will be at the computer tomorrow morning.
anita