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Recovering codependent?

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  • #50135
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Hi TB friends,

    I am so grateful for this site that gives me a channel to release my anxiety. It is very hard to explain to people in my life what I am feeling as they only want to give advice and not just listen. I am a codependent and I only made this discovery last summer when my ex broke-up with me. With my shattered heart and dreams, I looked for answers for my reaction to the breakup. I have been in therapy for a few years but over the years the therapy sessions just became a place for me to whine. To play the victim. I am not going to down play my neglectful upbringing but I don’t want to dwell on it either. I have been meditating and re-parenting myself for 8 months. I know that this will be a lifetime exercise for me but I am noticing lately how bad my relationships outside of myself are.

    I am very good with myself now. I am happy being alone but when it comes to a romantic connection or a deeper friendship, my codependent personality dominates my loving, fun personality. For example when i am out with colleagues or new acquaintances, I am fun and understanding of everyone’s different personalities and views. Lately, people have been asking to hang out with me because they are having fun with a happy person. I have fun too but it only stops there. I don’t show anyone anything below the surface. This doesn’t feel like pretending or acting to me because i am genuinely having a good time and don’t care to share any sad stories with anyone. On the other hand, the man i am trying to get to know to have a relationship with in the future, I am very codependent. I am insecure. I am sad. This is not all the time but often enough. This man is a lot of fun and an understanding person who gives me attention and adores me. I keep thinking about the ways he can prove me right. I keep waiting for him to abandon me like everyone else has. I know those are self fulfilling prophecies. I do feel like this time i am dealing with this better then before as I am watching my thinking and i am aware of my codependent behavior.

    I am writing this forum to ask my other codependent friends on this site to help. what do you do in intimate relationships? how do you let people in when you are perfectly happy being alone. Sometimes I am so happy alone that even the thought of going out or dating makes me feel exhausted. In my natural self i am a very social person. what exactly is happening to me? Please help.

    S

    #50144
    Matt
    Participant

    Sapna,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand your “split” or the feeling of being happy with yourself, but fearful when you connect. Sometimes when we’re recovering from codependency habits we can feel like we’re happy and strong alone or in surface level friendships, but having to hold back the need to grab on and latch on to others. This is normal, usual and heals with time and a little effort. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider that you’ve had many years of the old patterns, where you neglected yourself, sacrificed yourself. This has perhaps lead you to mistrust yourself. If you had been in an abusive relationship with a man, then consider how the next man would scare you. “Will he abuse me too?” “Are all men the same? Violent? Neglectful?”. Here though, perhaps it isn’t the other that scares you, but yourself. “Can I love and express myself without falling into codependency?”

    The answer, sadly, is yes and no. Because you’re still settling old patterns of neglect, learning to love yourself completely, the feeling of being “safe” in your own skin and heart is slow growing. That’s normal, dear sister, it takes time. Consider perhaps that you’re scared of your codependency, and so try to avoid situations or relationships that might endanger you, that might cause the latching on, losing yourself again.

    That’s just fear, and can settle with time, as you begin to trust yourself again. Consider that you might latch, but that you know what to do if that happens. Self nurture, accepting your light grows only when you grow it… not because of his love or their laughter or someone tells you that you’re good or funny or loved. Sapna, loving yourself is a journey of loving and accepting the whole picture. Perhaps because of the sticky and painful experiences, you’re still angry with yourself, which pushes the mistrust. For instance “How could I be so stupid to act codependently?” or “Sure, people like the happy me, but the sad me has no space in their heart, and therefore deserves no space in mine.” All normal stuff to be happening, not a big deal, not broken… just limping. 🙂

    Consider the solution is what you’ve already been doing (but neglecting a little perhaps with all the attention and bustle of friendships and laughter). Deepen your care of Sapna, dear sister. Don’t blame yourself for your patterns, don’t be harsh with yourself. Be kind, be gentle, be tender. Even with your codependency, even with your history. You’ve been through the worst of it, dear friend, because now you have strong nurturing skills, so even if you do latch and get all bedazzled by the connections, any crash will be met by your tender hands.

    That being said, recovering from codependency isn’t about having no needs, not having hopes and dreams of what a relationship means, or being unwilling or unable to ask your friends and partner for help, attention and caring. Instead, its taking time to self nurture, do your best, and if you need some comfort in his arms or in their heart, to ask for it. The main issue with codependency, in my opinion, isn’t the latching and chaos. Its the fear we have that others only love us for our strength, and so we become scared to express our needs and desires.

    Being strong isn’t having no needs, no fears… strength is having them, and talking about them, asking for a hug when we need a hug, a meal when we need a meal. It only turns codependent when we feel so unvalued and unheard that we burst, and need that hug right now or we’ll explode. Perhaps we sit there “i need a hug, i need a hug, i need a hug” in the mind, but are afraid to express it out loud, so instead of asking, then patiently waiting for our hug, we begin bashing and thrashing when someone doesn’t have the hug we need right that second. That’s when we get back in the tub, put on some music, and let our bodies relax.

    Finally, consider that there is no such thing as the happy personality vs the codependent personality. Instead, when you are feeling nourished, stable, perhaps you feel happy. When things are scary, when you feel vulnerable, when you are trying to speak the things that come to heart… its more slippery for you, more wild. That’s normal, friend, and settles with time. Its all you, sapna, from grime to sparkle, warmth and coldness, and its all OK, lovable, and there is space in our hearts to embrace you as is. Consider that your codependency patterns don’t make you less lovable to yourself or others, less deserving…. it only makes it feel that way.

    So keep walking, smiling and crying. Your emotions are beautiful, don’t be afraid of them! Just tend your needs, ask for help when you need it, be authentic… and with time you’ll figure out balance. I believe in you, Sapna, do you?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #50146
    This is May
    Participant

    Greetings!

    Thank you for this. I too am trying to relearn what it means to be in healthy relationships after years of codependency behavior. My own story is somewhere within this forum…

    The fact that you are aware of these feelings and behavior is a good sign 🙂 it says something within you is changing. Exciting yet scary because it’s all so new and different.

    What i know so far is that its going to take a lot of work, patience and self reflection on what you want for yourself. Sometimes the answers can seem so clear… until doubt rears its ugly head. But it’s perfectly normal to feel that way. If we knew all the answers now then what’s the point of living.. or maybe that’s just me

    Take it one day at the time. Try to let go of planning and analyzing all possible outcomes. Relish those fun moments for what they are. And cherish your solitude as a chance get to know yourself, your desires and aspirations. Those are just as precious.

    As for this special someone.. if in time he gets to know the real you and accepts it then great. If not, be just as grateful. Because everyone we will ever meet and bond with is yet another opportunity to learn something about our own self.

    I wish you all the best, peace and happiness..

    #50306
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thank you This is May

    Thank you again Matt. I actually did run a bath for myself that Saturday. I felt needy and clingy and started being angry at myself for being that again. There is a night and day difference in my speech to myself. I am still critical but a bit kinder to myself. You are right, I have been less nurturing to myself lately. I have packed up my schedule with so many activities that my body is fighting with my mind. I have to slow down. My Bikram yoga instructor put it in the right way to me last night. He said “what’s the rush?” “where are you trying to get? Its all here now”. I see that every time I go away from the present moment (Which is often), I become neglectful of myself.

    The man i am talking to is also far away from me and I keep comparing him to my ex even though he is my friend not a boyfriend. We are getting to know one another oppose to the dominant men i have always dated. I dated men who told me what speed the relationship had to go in. Lack of a good male role model made me follow them like a puppy. This time around, I have a friend in a man I find attractive and he always reminds me to stay present and to be me. I come first. He has become a good friend. Getting close to him scares me because its unfamiliar to me. I don’t know how to just think about me. what does Sapna want? I don’t know. It was always easy to follow my ex because my life was mapped out with him. Now I am standing in front of a blank canvas and I have no idea what to draw.

    Thank you again for listening to me….

    Sapna

    I am so grateful for you and everyone else on this site and in my life.

    Thank you

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