Hi Anita,

You ask a good question.  I am not sure what my personal definition of mental illness is.  I guess it is the tendency more often than not to be in a negative thinking mode.  Whether that is anxiety or depressive thinking or a combination of the two.  I feel like I am in a negative thinking mode more often than not.  At least that is the case for the past 8 or so months.  That is not to imply that longer than 8 months ago everything was bliss.

I know that is not the most robust definition, but that is what comes to mind right now.  A person who is not mentally ill if more often than not in a non-negative thinking mode.

As an example…Today I had an interview for a position I was actually going to pull my application from because I am no longer interested.  However, I went ahead with the interview to learn more about the opportunity, as well as for the practice.  I feel like I did ok in the interview…but going into it as well as after I felt disheartened.  I feel disheartened because I feel like I am never going to find and land a good job.  I feel disheartened because I feel like my doctorate prepared me for nothing.  I know I am not the only person looking for and struggling to land a fulltime job.  My guess is there are people who are struggling but are still able to remain optimistic.  If an opportunity does not work out they might think, “That is ok…a better opportunity will come around!”.  Even though I know I only need one good opportunity I feel like it will never materialize.  I am in a negative mode of thinking, as opposed to a struggling, yet remaining optimistic and determined mode.  I hope that makes sense.

Switching gears…thank you for the quote you shared from Lori Deschene.  I appreciate it.

Richard

Hi TeaK,

I think part of my sense of failure and hopelessness might be tied to my problematic relationship with one of my brothers. I am the youngest of 4. I have one brother who is 12 years older, one sister who is 8 years older, and another brother who is 3 years older. My brother who is 3 years older than me was rather cruel to me growing up. He routinely made fun of my weight, physical appearance, and intelligence, among other things. He used to tell me I was the stupid one in the family. This was not easy to hear. Especially given that he was valedictorian of his graduating class and my sister was salutatorian. I actually have nightmares to this day about him and how he treated me. I had one just a few weeks ago. In it we were in my parents’ basement and I was yelling at him asking him why he has always been mean to me. I probably have similar nightmares about him every month. We do not see each other very much anymore…we are separated by a few states. We are cordial when we see each other and occasionally exchange a random text here and there, but that is the extent of our relationship these days. I have journaled wondering what my life might have been like had I had a more supportive brother growing up.

I want to get past my past hurt. When I have seen therapists we have never really dove into my past because whatever is currently going on with me is so pressing we focus on that. Uuuuughhh…I have told several people I believe the way I am today mentally and emotionally is rooted in my childhood. Just not sure how to begin to heal from things that happened so long ago.

Thank you for your reply.

Richard

Hi TeaK,

I do not know if my parents knew the extent to which he bullied me.  I remember once in my mid-twenties I was really struggling.  I called my mom and broke down on the phone.  I told her what I was dealing with went all the way back to when I was a kid and I began to tell her some of the stuff my brother would say to me.  She said had she know he was saying things like that she would have stopped him.  I remember saying on the phone to her “how could you not have known!?!?!”

My parents are definitely not perfect, but overall I believe they did the best they could and were and still are good parents.  However, when I look back at my childhood there are a number of things I did that I think should have been red flags to them that something was up.  For example, I went from being on the A honor roll throughout junior high to not even making the B honor roll my first quarter of high school.  I stopped being involved in extra curriculars.  I stayed home on the weekends instead of getting together with people.  I stopped going to my brother’s sporting events with my parents and instead stayed home.  When my brother got his drivers license and started driving to school I continued to ride the bus instead of riding with him.

Part of me thinks my parents may have just thought I was going through a phase that I would grow out of or perhaps that I was just shy.  I do not know.

I have been talking to my dad daily lately as I have been struggling with my depression and anxiety.  I know both of my parents would do anything for me.  I just would have liked them to have been more cognizant of what I was feeling growing up and possibly have gotten me some professional help.  I have been tempted to tell my dad about the cruel things my brother used to say to me growing up, but part of me feels like it would make him feel like a bad dad.  I do not want him to feel that way because I do not consider him to be that.  He is just human and has always tried his best.

Thank you again for the reply.

Richard

UPDATE: My anxiety and depression have been better the past few days. I have been sleeping better. I have also been sleeping in my bed instead of my couch with the tv on, which I tend to do when I am really stressed or depressed.

However, today I received a text from a former boss who is also a friend and one of my job references. She told me she was contacted about one of the jobs I applied for. I immediately felt a surge in my anxiety upon reading her text and also felt panicky. The job is with the college I graduated from with my phd. I was almost going to pull my application from consideration because the more I read the job announcement the less I wanted the role. I think I applied more or less because I did not have many open applications out there for consideration. I was dreading the interview, which was last week Tuesday. I was glad when the interview was over. I actually journaled that day about how it is not a job that I think I want, nor do I feel qualified for. It would be doing similar work as I did before pursuing my doctorate. A big reason I took the leap of faith and pursued my phd is because I felt incredibly unfulfilled in my professional career and I wanted/needed a change. I think I somewhat applied out of fear of not finding anything else, so I fell back on applying for similar work as I did before being a graduate student.

Part of me was hoping I would not be contacted for a second interview. I even thought about contacting the chair of the search committee to tell him I was no longer interested in the opportunity. I still have not been contacted for a second interview, but the text from my friend saying she was contacted about the position filled me with panic. I journaled right after reading the text…I wrote about how even if I get a second interview that does not mean I would be offered the job…and even if I was offered the job I can always turn it down. Yet, I filled with anxiety. It felt like the progress I made with my anxiety and depression over the past few days vanished.

Again…I am just putting this out here to somewhat get it out of my mind and to express some of my feelings. As always, thank you to those who listen. I appreciate it.

Richard

PS. I apologize for not always replying to replies, as well as for not always replying in a timely fashion. I am trying to reply as often as I can. Please know that I greatly appreciate everyone’s thoughts, questions, and advice.