Dear Sofioula:

Using information about this relationship from this thread and a previous thread, he once gifted you “some wafers and a donut” and he yelled at you. He held your hand “constantly whilst driving” and when you were sick he didn’t give you a ride home and let you take busses again. He told you that “he didn’t want to break up with” you and he told you that the two of you have no future together. He kissed, touched and hugged you a lot and told you to  leave some stuff in his place and Sunday mornings he set the alarm clock to ring early so that you leave his place early and leave him alone.

Let’s put these behaviors closer together, so to make a point: when given wafers and donuts and being yelled at, it is hard to keep the wafers and donuts down, they tend to come up and it doesn’t taste/ feel good when that happens. After taking buses when sick because he didn’t feel like giving you a ride, the feel of his hand in yours the kisses and hugs… they don’t feel that good, do they?

And it doesn’t feel good to leave a few items in his apartment when he wants you out early Sunday so to not have you there with him, I mean, you want him to want you with him, not your toothbrush and such.

My point is that some behaviors cancel others. Yelling and rudeness cancel sweet treats and occasional kindness.

anita

* I didn’t read your third post when I typed all the above (double posting)

Dear Sofioula:

“Strange…” only because you don’t understand it yet, what is fueling this memory gap/ being “completely cut off of my surroundings”. As a matter of fact, I used to experience a lot of that before, lost in my own world, oblivious to my surroundings. Like you, I too was “Questioning myself” a whole lot.

I wonder how much of your childhood experience with your parents and sister has to do with this. She was/ is explosive like him, when he is…? Your parents were preoccupied with your sister, not with you.. something here?

anita

Dear Soufiola:

I will reply to you later, maybe in a few hours maybe longer, but no later than 17 hours from now.

anita

Dear Sofioula:

I read all your posts since January this year. I will answer the question you asked me last at the end of this post. This is what I believe likely happened/ is happening (this will be a long post):

You shared about your “1st bf..1st in general” a list of his long term disrespect for you: he mocked you when you cried after he told you that he sees no future with you. He yelled and screamed at you and hung up the phone on you telling you he has other business and has no time for you. Before that, after spending time with you in his home, he didn’t give you rides back to your home, and instead he let you take three buses and walk a long way, including that one time when you were ill. He had another woman in his life, or other women… and the list goes on.

Let’s go back in time: your parents, for whatever reasons (maybe they worked a lot), did not pay attention to your sister when she was a young girl, nor did they pay attention to you as a child.

This is what you wrote about your sister: “She is explosive.. a difficult person, FULL of anger and explosive behaviors mixed with constant negativity, toxicity, bitterness.. lack of empathy and fear of abandonment”-

– she fears abandonment because she was abandoned, in her early years, feeling all alone with her intense fear, hurt, sadness.. no one there to ask her questions, to listen to her, to comfort her. She is and has been full of anger for a long time because she was hurt a lot, scared and alone.

It is only later in her childhood, when her anger was too visible and audible to go unnoticed, that your parents paid attention to her. I imagine she was a teenager when they noticed her explosive anger and it is then that she became “their main preoccupation”, as she is to this very day.

Observing your parents burden of having a troubled daughter (your sister), you wanted to “alleviate the burdens of my folks” and you wanted some of their attention, so you took on the role of the no-trouble daughter, the good daughter, “the obedient one, the selfless”,  “the exact opposite” as you stated yourself.

Observing your sister’s explosive angry behavior and how it burdened your parents, you figured “anger is a bad habit”. When you felt anger at your sister and at your parents for not giving you the attention you so craved, you beat yourself up for feeing that anger. So you figured you are… a bad person, not worthy of love, not deserving love (“It’s all a matter of self worth.. I believe it is all I deserve”, you wrote regarding your one year relationship).

All this time, this “people’s pleaser, a yes girl and non assertive at all”, this girl was angry all along, but she wouldn’t dare express it, like her sister did, and add burden to their lives.

That “‘b*tch I had in my brain criticizing me ALL THE TIME, and bringing me down”- is you feeling guilty for wanting more from your parents and for feeling angry for not receiving more; anger for being a doormat, for living like a less-than others, for wanting and not being “able to be me”.

“can’t be a forever doormat” you wrote. You were a doormat in the context of your family of origin and you continued this role in the context of your first relationship.

“He trained me”, you wrote regarding your ex boyfriend. But he didn’t. He took advantage of the training you received at home earlier.

You wrote regarding your parents: “my sister first, my sister most… I received less attention, because they think I’m strong and capable working and doing things on my own”-

-when you were a child, it was very unrealistic of your parents to think that you were strong enough to not need their loving attention and guidance. (No child is strong that way).

Later, it was conveneint to think this way, because they were otherwise occupied, so it is nice to think: oh, Sofioula doesn’t need our attention, good thing, because we are otherwise busy.

Your parents praise you for being “the sweetness in their lives”- you definitely don’t want to reveal to them the part of you that is not so sweet, the hurt and angry part.

When you wrote about the woman you imagine your ex boyfriend to be with, you wrote: “I think is my fault… It’s like she won the contest and I am the sad loser’- the contest between you and your sister is what is underneath, isn’t it?

Only there was no winner in that original context, both you and your sisters lost that contest. Your parents’ attention toward your sister came a bit too late. I do hope she attends quality psychotherapy and heals.

You asked me regarding being lost in thoughts and forgetting time and place, “How did you manage to overcome it? Should I be worried about it or is it just a coping mechanism?”-

– it is those strong emotions that are being repressed, pushed down, that rise to the surface at those times, creating that confusion, that strange experience of being cut off from time and place, as if gone. These emotions need to be attended to.

It is the lack of attention to the strong emotions you felt as a child that created your troubles. To heal, these emotions need to be acknowledged and validated.

You wrote regarding that rude man, your ex boyfriend: “The one thing that helps is finding reasons to be angry, instead of sad. I know, anger is a bad habit”-

– your anger needs to be acknowledged and validated. It is not a bad emotion. It is a natural emotions that animals are born with. It has a good purpose, to notice when we need so to live a healthy life, to reject abuse and mistreatment. When you acknowledged some of it in the context of your ex boyfriend, it helped. It will help if you acknowledge it in the context of your home life.

But it will not be easy because you are invested in the role of the good daughter, the obedient, the one who is not angry, and because you believe anger is a bad emotion.

If you like, let me know of your thoughts and feelings.

anita