Hello Elaine!

First of all, I am sorry you have to feel this way. I understand the need to filter toxic people out to prevent more harm coming to you.

I find myself facing the same situation as you. I consequently shut my friends out because I feel like some of their behaviors are ‘unpleasant to me’ and I needed a clean slate as a space for the new healthy people to come in. Over time I question myself whether what I’m doing is right and if there is going to be a healthy cycle produced after I get rid of the ‘unwanted weed’. Needless to say, I faced some difficulties, primarily because I am not ready in any sort of way to face the consequence of my shutting people out – which is sometimes, feeling lonely and left out. I am also in no way more experienced in social interactions. So! Here I am after destroying the many rickety bridges, facing into the abyss without preparing beforehand the proper bridges to cross it.

I acknowledge that what I have been doing is counter-productive for myself, seeing as what I needed really is just ‘attention’ without regarding from who it came from, and I realize there’s only 2 ways to get this solved: (a) start to focus inwardly and on determining what my true need was and (b) start approaching new people and get acquainted with them to fulfill my need of getting solid connections.

I try to find comfort within myself first, asking inwardly whether I really need the attention, whether I need more loving. Can I love myself enough to acknowledge that I’m lacking in this certain social division? And to believe that it’s fine for me if there’s no one that can truly be there with me? This world is full of individuals who are busy with their own stories and I need to understand that I am not alone in facing these things. I find that most of the time people do not care unless you started to show care for them. Then I started slowly accepting everything, trying to welcome new people into my life and get acquainted with them, get close to them. I started getting into my workplace circle, I joined several new communities. I feel strange at times especially when no one’s being nice and openly welcoming about my presence, but that’s fine. It is my own need and I need to fulfill it myself, so I try to penetrate into those circles slowly by paying attention and helping out here and there. It’s a difficult and tedious process (not to mention it takes forever for me), but with an open-mind and positive attitude, I tried getting through it. It always pays off.

Your cause for filtering people out is because they have done things that hurt you. I believe it is also one of the causes as to why you view yourself in such a negative way (you are afraid that people think you are whining, you feel like you are being needy)

I think it is important to re-evaluate this and build stronger defense mechanism in you, which is actually not to shut people out, but to be more open to people, as well as being more careful of the bad traits they may exhibit. From what you said, I gathered that your need is to build new and better connections – those that are healthy and provide positive supports for you. We need to look at this as a sort of rational goal for your mental and emotional health, then start working our way through it.

How long have you been acquainted with these social groups? Real and mature friendships usually take time to develop.

I would love to hear more from you and understand why you feel like this is happening to you. In the meantime, have you considered having pets like dogs or cats? Or is it not possible?

I find that in most of my colleague’s cases, having a pet companion can surprisingly help – tremendously, even – with your well-being.