Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Projecting your own insecurities onto other people
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Brandy.
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September 23, 2019 at 6:45 pm #313867
JoeParticipantI am currently progressing towards having a stronger self-esteem by exercising a lot, pushing myself out of my comfort zone and meditating. But I still find myself doing something a lot that makes me very anxious and depressed: I project my (past and present) insecurities onto other people. For example, I used to be very insecure about my nose and developed a very negative obsession with it and felt like wherever I went I was vulnerable and that I had to put on the rest of my life with it. My nose became better with my face and it took time for me to realize that I am actually good looking but was super focused on one flaw. But the thing is that I realize that other people are a lot less better looking than me, and I feel like they must be going through the same pain and insecurity as me but 10 times worst because they are not attractive or have visible flaws. So I often feel very anxious and sorry for them, even thought they probably don’t care as much or actually feel confident in themselves.
Same thing with social anxiety, I haven’t totally recovered from it but I find myself getting into a fight or flight response often when I watch a movie or just hang out with someone and I feel like they are experiencing the same anxiety and uncalmness I felt. I get some sort of weird feeling/anxiety when I see people having an interaction that is not really interesting or witty.
Maybe this an indication that I am still pretty socially anxious.
September 24, 2019 at 5:01 am #313917
InkyParticipantHi Joe,
It sounds like you have empathy!
Of course, other people might not notice the things “wrong” with them at all. Best to keep your mouth shut and never assume.
I had an old friend ask about my son, “How does he handle the bullying??” I got momentarily pissed off. Why would she assume that? Because her daughter was bullied, that’s why, and she was unconsciously seeking a bonding moment by jumping to conclusions.
Best,
Inky
September 24, 2019 at 8:36 am #313981
AnonymousGuestDear Joe:
April 6 this year you posted: “I feel like I am constantly judging people.. Judging them on the basis of their looks, social life, intelligence, wittiness, confidence.. I’m really good at finding the little bad things about people”.
Fast forward five months later, you feel better about how you look but you feel sorry for other people, imagining that they feel bad about how they look: “I feel like they must be going through the same pain and insecurity as me but 10 times worse.. I often feel very anxious and sorry for them… I feel like they are experiencing the same anxiety and un-calmness I felt”.
My input: humans are social animals and because of that we all get confused sometimes. We think that other people at this or that exact moment are thinking what we are thinking, that they feel what we are feeling (or what we remember thinking and feeling before). We even imagine that we can almost read their minds, as if their brain was our brain.
Back in April you were focused on your perceived faults, rejecting yourself for those, and you rejected others for their faults. Fast forward, you accept yourself more, with less judgment, and you accept others more. The good news, you accept yourself better- good job!
As far as the excess empathy (feeling too badly for others) and imagining what may not at all be true for them at this or that moment- repeat to yourself that you don’t really know what they are thinking and feeling at any particular moment (unless they tell you and are honest), you are assuming based on your experience.
Thing is that we humans are very much alike, almost everyone feels insecure about their looks and imagine other faults about themselves. So you are not wrong about others feeling badly about their perceived faults. What you are probably wrong about is that you imagine that at this or that particular time they think this or that or feel this or that.
Better than reading other people’s brains, listen to what they say/ read what they type, ask them a question or two, listen for their answers.
Does this make sense to you?
anita
September 24, 2019 at 9:09 am #313989
BrandyParticipantHi Joe,
I think it’s important that you’re aware that you do this. Many years ago a friend who openly shares about her struggles in her marriage randomly expressed to me her concern that everything may not be okay in MY marriage, and she decided NOT to tell me WHY she would even think this. I was totally blind-sided and confused. Why would she think there’s something’s wrong with my marriage? Is she judging my relationship as not as good as her own? Are people in the community gossiping about this? After many hours of trying to make sense of it my husband and I came to the conclusion that she was only projecting her own unhappy marriage onto us.
But it ruined my day.
This kind of thing is dangerous because if you’re unable to keep these thoughts to yourself then you’ll hurt others and they won’t want to be around you.
B
September 24, 2019 at 4:16 pm #314113JoeParticipantWell I keep this thoughts to myself, because I wouldn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. But I know that I can’t spend my life feeling bad for people. Actually my resolve, is that every person can find happiness within themselves and become satisfied for what they have but they have a path to take or work to do (some more than others), wherever they are in life.
I also still feel social anxiety. I have noticed it’s been slowly becoming less of a struggle in my daily life and feel more confident. I do still feel anxiety or uneasiness sometimes around friends or strangers and then think that they are feeling the same way.
In general I feel much better than the last few months, more confident in myself, physically and socially, and am more satisfied with normal (sometimes boring) life. But since I am still writing in this forum, I still feel some unease around people, just casual hangouts and conversations and most importantly making new friends and pursuing new relationships.
I will see a psychiatrist next week recommended by my therapists ( she tells me that I really do not have much to worry about and that is probably a physical reason/imbalance that is probably causing this unhappiness and anxiety)
September 24, 2019 at 6:44 pm #314127AnonymousGuestDear Joe:
I am glad you are feeling better, “more satisfied with normal (sometimes boring) life. I hope you post again anytime you want to. I will be glad to read from you and reply. I would like to read about your appointment with the psychiatrist next week.
anita
September 24, 2019 at 11:12 pm #314169BrandyParticipantHi Joe,
You come across as a kind and honest guy and as I reread my last post I realized I may have come across as harsh — I’m sorry. I realize now that you’re keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself and that the people you project your insecurities on are probably unaware of what you’re doing. I think a lot of people project onto others so it’s not all that unusual, and like I said before I think your awareness of the situation is so important. When you start to feel sorry for someone who is less attractive than the average person you can choose to step out of the narrative before it goes too far. Who knows, it’s possible that this less attractive person has a enviable reputation or skill, or a very loyal, wonderful group of friends, or can ace a calculus test without studying. Everyone puts a different value on various qualities and characteristics. Attractiveness isn’t a big deal for everyone.
I’m with anita…I’m glad you’re feeling better and I hope you keep posting.
B
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