Dear Maria:

I read through your threads beginning December 2016. In your first thread there was no profanity whatsoever. You were still wearing what you referred to later, a mask. Over time, in the threads that followed, and mostly in very recent threads, you took off that mask, most evident in your use of profanity and other expressions of anger and assertion. Congratulations for being more authentic. (I don’t like the profanity, but I like you being authentic and stating the truth as is).

What you described in your threads is betrayal by your mother, and your distrust of her, from her “tendency to call me her world say I was her source of happiness, then turn around and yell at the top of her lungs at every small inconvenience.. I was never good enough… then I was everything to her”, to her calling you a predator when she found out about your relationship with a woman, to lying to your father about going to Japan, most recently.

Then there was the betrayal by your then 17 year old cousin who raped you when you were 14. Following that there was the betrayal by that cousin’s sister who was your best friend, “at least I got to learn that my best friend would side with a rapist and blame me for it… I had always been there for her… I f*&^% thought we had something but clearly that didn’t matter”

You loved and tried so hard to be good to your mother, to your best friend, trusted them and they turned around and hurt you, severely and repeatedly.

Those betrayals hurt you very much, and you are still hurting. You are living with friends, but you carry the hurt with you. We can put many miles between us and those who betrayed us but the pain remains very close, right there in between our ears.

I wonder what is next for you.

anita

Dear Maria,

Good to see your response here. Realization is often the first step towards healing. How have you tried the healing process before? Hope to read more from you.

Dear Maria:

Regarding being strong, you do appear strong, confident is a word you used in another thread. You do assert yourself and strength is what I feel reading from you. Yet fear is also strong, for everyone. It is a powerful emotion. No living thing is strong enough to not feel fear, to not be scared.

anita

You can see fear clearly when you look in to what has pushed you in to a corner, you can see fear clearly when you look at the reasons behind your harmful behaviors and patterns, you can see fear when you look at what is behind keeping you down.

Move back in to a corner but only to get a clear view of what is in front of you so that you can pounce on it more effectively.

Take care