Hi, Nikki.

I have never been in a relationship before. You should probably listen for advice from someone who actually has experience.

“On TOP of that he has stopped taking care of himself .  He have gained so much that the age difference is so apparent and obvious which makes me uncomfortable.”

What do you mean by these two mentions? Has he began to gain weight? Does he look really fat? If so, that doesn’t sound like a completely superficial reason to me. Weight gain could get out of hand, which could lead into whole new problems.

Hi Nikki,

We can’t all look like Fabio forever. People are gross! We get more gross as we age. Yes, even you! When we marry all we can do is love, cherish and support our homely, fat, sweaty, smelly partners for the rest of our lives. Sorry, but that’s what it is!

You can very gently compliment him when you see him eating a salad and after taking a long walk with you, “Check out your abs! Is it my imagination or are you getting some definition?” Or “OMG, do you know how hot you look after you lift weights?” He could see right through this, he’s a smart guy, but if he knows toned guys turn you on, that might motivate him, who knows.

Buy him Obsession for Men and snazzy clothes and night wear. That’s another clue. (Hey, anyone can smell good and be fashionable!)

Even if you dump him and marry a Fabio, just remember, even Fabio gets bald, wrinkly and soft around the middle eventually.

Best,

Inky

Thanks anita!

I could theoretically show what I wrote to my own husband. He might take it the wrong way though considering I bought him Obsession for his birthday. That said, he is super cute.

Call me Shallow,

Inky

Dear nikki:

I think that your thinking is fueled by significant anxiety, doubting and second guessing and that is consistent with the OCD you mentioned.

Let’s say you are in a clothing store with the mission of buying a rain coat. How do you choose the right rain coat for you? I would see first that it is water proof, that it covers my body so I don’t get wet, and that it is comfortable to move inside it. If I walk at night or when it is partially dark, I would choose a bright yellow coat so that I can be seen by drivers on the road.

Other factors about the coat are less important: the buttons, the print on the fabric, the brand name.

Let’s look at your choice of a husband: “caring, understanding, loving.. communicate at all the levels.. financially very good.. treats me like a queen…very comfortable in physical intimacy… sex is great.. he is absolutely adorable, I enjoy playing around with him… he really wants to invest in the relationship and keep asking for feedbacks”.

What you don’t like about him is that he is somewhat overweight, has some white hair and overall he is physically unattractive. I also think you worry about what-will-people-think about your choice of a husband, judging you for choosing a physically unattractive man (?)

Here is the problem as I see it, and I will state it in a way that may surprise you, so be prepared:

You are an unattractive woman at this point. A woman who disrespects a good, loving man because he is physically unattractive is an ugly woman. If you marry him and then disrespect him in any way because he is physically unattractive, you will be an ugly wife.

Question is, are you able to fix your own current unattractiveness (aka ugliness) so to be worthy of this attractive man?

anita

Dear nikki:

To clarify, I suggested a physically attractive woman is unattractive if she lies, deceives and mistreats another. If you do none of these things in your relationship with your fiancé, you are not unattractive.

You mentioned that you can’t seem to get a quick fix. Maybe there is no quick fix. I re-read your posts in previous threads, will quote from you and ask you a few questions in the search for a not-so-quick fix. My motivation is to help you make the right choice for you. It will be difficult to answer my questions, but if you are able and willing, it may be very helpful to you:

1. Are you still in contact with the boyfriend you had for six years, and if so what is the nature of the communication/ interactions between the two of you?

Here is what you wrote about your fiancé in April 2017: “I find him unattractive and thought of intimacy makes me cringe. I’m not even comfortable holding hands.”

2. Does the thought and the experience of intimacy with him still makes you cringe and uncomfortable, sometimes/ all the time, just a bit, more at some times than other times?

“I’ve been straight to him… I told him I can’t connect and feel anything and physical touch makes me awkward… He knows for sure I don’t like him touching my hands etc. But I didn’t tell him it’s  because I’m not attracted to him.. He thinks I’m cold generally which is not the case”

3. Does he still think that you are cold generally or does he know at this point that you are not physically attracted to him personally?

You told him something else: “I just told him I generally don’t like being clingy just so that he gives me enough space”.

4. What is the current status on this excuse for avoiding physical intimacy with him, do you still use it?

You wrote April 2017 regarding marrying him: “I may regret later in life and it’s not even fair for him… I know wouldn’t be able to justice with him or the marriage. I’m anxious about future that’s why can’t let him go  in my head and at the same time my whole body mind heart doesn’t accept the idea of being with him“.

5. What is the current status on your fear regarding your future as an unmarried woman (the anxiety you mentioned above and elsewhere: “The main anxiousness is the peer pressure like when people around me are getting married and all”)?

6. What is the current status on your concerns about not being fair to him, not doing justice by him?

7. What is the current status on “my whole body mind heart doesn’t accept the idea of being with him”?

You wrote: my friends tell me this new man is good for me blah bah blah and how my life will be comfortable. Some even tell me I don’t have to love him because it doesn’t matter… but I know it’s not like that…  our internal satisfaction is very necessary for our well being. I can’t live a lie.”

8. What is the current status on your view of the necessity of internal satisfaction and your inability to live a lie?

anita