My partner and I were together for 5 years. We met working on yachts when we met and he pursued me despite my misgivings about an age gap (I’m 20 years older but don’t look it LOL), despite my initial reservations we fell in love. When we came shoreside he decided to go to college to enter the Merchant Navy. During this period we have spent time apart when he was at sea and throughout it all we were the best of friends and lovers. We had two arguments in this time, one about whether man landed on the moon and one about whether religious politicians can make rational decisions – neither was too serious as you can see! Seven weeks ago he left me.

To try to help me to find peace I’ve written the following letter which I don’t think I’ll send but I needed to write…..

Dear James

Seven weeks ago you were texting me daily from college to let me know how much you loved me and how much you were looking forward to our friend’s wedding at the weekend. On the Saturday you arrived at the house and within an hour you had left again having blown my world apart by telling me you were unhappy and wanted to end the relationship. To say it was a surprise is an understatement and I simply can’t remember what you said during that hour because I was so shocked. We had never discussed that you were unhappy, we had made plans for the future that you discussed with friends and were excited about; I realise that college had been stressful this year and that the fact I had been ill wasn’t easy either but at no time did you say you were unhappy. I couldn’t understand why you didn’t want to try to save our relationship and how you had gone from loving me to wanting to leave almost overnight. When I told the few friends that weekend that I needed around me for support, they were as shocked as I was.

You then all but ignored me for 5 days leaving me devastated and confused, I had to say I would come to college to try to speak to you before you were willing to come to talk to me. When you arrived to collect your belongings, you told me that you wanted to start your new career on your own and that you couldn’t see a future for us; you admitted that you had handled it badly and that ignoring me had been cowardly. We had coffee and we both said we wanted to stay friends. We planned to meet after your exams and again before you went to sea. We agreed you could keep the car until January so that you had transport until you went to sea and we hugged before you left. It wasn’t the resolution I wanted but even in my most optimistic moments I always knew deep down that the day would probably come when you would want to find you own way in the world; I took comfort in the fact that I had been the right person at the right time in your life and that we would remain in contact.

The following week I began to try to find some semblance of normality in my life until the cancer diagnosis on the Friday. I thought you would want to know the test results so I let you know and you sent a short text acknowledgement back. I then had the worst weekend of my life dealing with you leaving and knowing I had cancer, my future looked like a big black hole with nothing left for me. On the Monday I got the call from the hospital to say it had all been a big mistake and I was OK and I let you know; you didn’t bother to reply and that hurt. Whatever you had decided you wanted do with your future I thought you would care.

Over the next couple of weeks we swapped a few emails about belongings I found around the house and work/college stuff and I thought we’d found some sort of equilibrium.

On 4th November, you announced that you were in a relationship with XXX Facebook. Having just left a relationship of 5 years, you decided that a month was sufficient time for for a new girlfriend. Just when I thought I was getting some semblance of normality into my life you decided to throw another bomb at me in the most public way. I hadn’t mentioned our breakup on Facebook, had only told a few friends and was trying to handle this with some dignity as you had gone back to college and left me to let everyone know. You could have warned me, you both could have chosen to keep this off Facebook or to restrict the audience of that post. Bearing in mind that you have already segregated your Facebook so that many of your longstanding friends can’t see your posts and dumped many mutual friends and my family, you could have done this easily but chose not to. I tried to call but you didn’t answer. I sent you a message asking you to return the car as I didn’t feel my generosity extended quite as far as you using my car to ferry around a new girlfriend. Your Mum called me back to tell me that you had been in accident on the way to visit her and told me you would be in touch to let me know what the damage was, I had no choice but to leave it there and wait for you to call me.

When I had calmed down I came to the realisation that actually you having someone else, closed a door for me. Because I hadn’t still fully understood why you had left, a part of me had wondered if the stress of the final exams had overwhelmed you and you still might want to reconcile. Knowing there was someone else meant that this wasn’t going to happen and therefore I needed to get on with life. It made the suddenness of the breakup make more sense, I don’t know if you were seeing her before you split with me – frankly I don’t think you had the time! – but it made far more sense than the wishy-washy reasons you gave me initially. I let you know that, whilst the way you had made the announcement public was cruel and hurtful, I hoped you would find the happiness I couldn’t give you and asked you to keep me up to date on the car.

Last Friday when you had your final oral exam I sent a text to wish you luck but had no reply. You called on the Saturday and you were hostile and angry which completely confused me. You denied you were with XXXX which was blatantly untrue and then told me you had failed your exams. I was very upset at the call and texted your Mum because I was concerned about you; she let me know that the accident had been quite serious and this did help to explain your call and your mental state, you must have had a horrendous week. I can’t turn off caring about you much as I would like to, it would make life a great deal easier, so on the Monday I sent a message to say that I hoped you were feeling a bit better and that you would have a good week. You reciprocated by ‘unfriending’ me on Facebook and cutting the connection.

So here I am. I have someone who was my best friend and lover for 5 years who now is pretending I’ve never existed. At no time have you acknowledged that the time we spent together had value for you which would help with the sense of worthlessness I currently have. I spent that time emotionally and financially supporting you which wasn’t easy at times, and it feels as if that’s meant nothing to you. I don’t recognise this version of you, he bears no resemblance to the person I was with for all that time. I find it hard to believe that you have turned into a b*****d overnight. Maybe it’s a maturity thing and whilst, at the time, our age difference was not an issue it’s coming out now? Maybe you needed me to be angry about all this and because I’m not you can’t deal with it? Maybe you misconstrued my friendly messages as interfering where I no longer had the right? Whatever it is, it’s just another layer of hurt.

This break-up has come in three phases, that first Saturday that left me shocked, lost and confused; the Facebook announcement which was thoughtless; and the cutting of contact when none of this is my fault. I don’t understand why I’m suddenly the ‘bad’ person? Because you weren’t honest at the outset it’s been dragged out over nearly two months, I feel like a bowling pin being stood up just to be knocked over again. I’ve only ever wished you the very best for the future, I haven’t begged you to come back, I haven’t been angry and caused a scene so I can’t comprehend why you’ve gone from loving me to treating me like rubbish.

Wherever your head is right now, we will have to meet up in January to deal with the car. I hope that you can come to collect the last of your belongings and bring me back a mended car, perhaps by then the time gap will allow us to talk about this and find a permanent solution. I have no regrets about our time together and I hope that underneath all this that you don’t either. My simple hope is that I don’t lose you completely from my life, you were too important for too long and everyone needs friends and people to care about them.

James, I hope that as you go out and conquer the world you don’t forget the sailing friends that have been there for you in the recent past and that you stay in touch with them. Wherever you go, whatever you do, I hope that you find happiness, contentment and success.
******************************

Seven weeks on I feel lonely and scared about the future. I want to feel that the past 5 years haven’t been a waste but it’s hard, it physically hurts. Any wise words would be warmly welcomed 🙂