Dear aVoid:

You are welcome and congratulations for your success in managing your alcohol consumption! I agree with you that it is a better strategy to start small in regard to establishing a daily routine. Moderation is almost always a better strategy than that of extremes.

“Sometimes I really feel that I need to travel to Mount Athos and become an orthodox monk. To live a monastic life“-  – quarrabbey . org/ a day in the life of a monk documents the daily routine of an orthodox monk. Maybe it can help with ideas and inspiration.   The monk wakes up at 4:30 am. At 7:30 am he returns to his room (cell) for alone-time, a time of reading, praying and reflecting. Here is a quote with which you may identify:

“I stay in cell-  there are fewer outward distractions. But that does not stop the distractions from within… my own darkness and need for God. I try to put myself before him just as I am; He can cope with all that is within me, even if I cannot…  seeking a source of stability in the midst of the turbulent void“-

– the turbulent void, aVoid. I will be looking forward to your update.

anita

Dear aVoid:

“The hardest part is going to sleep. I’m up until the am” – from Wikipedia, paraphrased-  Insomnia: Trouble falling and/or staying asleep. Insomnia can occur as a result of (1) certain medical conditions such as hyperthyroidism (the thyroid hormone is produces in access and speeds up various body systems, producing symptoms similar to an overdose of adrenaline), chronic physical pain, sleep apnea and heartburn, (2)  certain medications and drugs, such as caffeine, nicotine and alcohol,  (3) psychological stress, (4) the brain-body being in the habit of staying up at night because of a lifestyle where one is awake at nights (examples: working the night shift, playing computer games at night).

Treatment for insomnia include (1) making life style changes and practicing sleep hygiene: it is recommended to avoid doing the following too late in the day/ too close to bedtime: physical exercise, mental exercise (planning for the next day, trying to solve problems, worrying, thinking about frustrating topics),  big meals/ overeating (or going to bed hungry), and chemical stimulants such as caffeine (including coffee, energy drinks, soft drinks, tea, chocolate, and some pain relievers).

* Regarding alcohol, it helps a person fall asleep because it is a depressant, but the process of metabolizing the alcohol disrupts sleep, so the person doesn’t stay asleep for long.

It is recommended to do the following: daily exercise, keep day time naps short or avoid altogether,  establish and keep a sleep routine/ schedule, relax before bedtime in dim lights, have a comfortable mattress and pillow,  and a peaceful, dark sleep-environment.

* a sleep machine can be helpful (it produces an ongoing sound of ocean waves or rain.. or a train), and perhaps a weighted blanket  (a heavy blanket that is used to aid sleep and reduce anxiety).

(2) Cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I)-the first step in treating insomnia with CBT-I is to identify the underlying causes of the insomnia by keeping a sleep diary/ journal for a couple of week listing thoughts, behaviors, and stressors that could be contributing to the insomnia.

The steps to follow are to practice sleep hygiene (see above), sleep restriction (instead of staying in bed for too long, frustrated about one’s inability to fall asleep, which creates an association between one’s bed and insomnia- get out of bed and return to bed when tired), relaxation training (hypnosis, guided imagery, meditation), and cognitive therapy: the crucial messages that the therapist tries to communicate to the patient are: * to not TRY to sleep- trying harder will only keep you more awake, * to have realistic expectations about your sleep duration and energy the next day, *to avoid catastrophic thoughts, ex.,  imagining that you are about to die after an insomniac night. Instead, think of insomnia as unpleasant, but not detrimental to your health (on the short term),  * to not think too much about the insomnia, to not have your life revolve around it, and * to control worry and rumination using a thought record: a log where you write down your concerns, and later discuss them with your therapist, one concern at a time, to determine if each is realistic or not.

* Paradoxical Intention involves the therapist telling the patient to do the exact opposite of what he/ she has been doing in bed: to stay awake and avoid falling asleep.

Insomnia is common and therefore, there are books and workbooks on the topic, a few are: Say Goodnight to Insomnia: the six week, drug free program developed at Harvard Medical School,     Sleep Through Insomnia,     The Sleep Solution,      quiet your mind and get to sleep,   The Sleep Workbook   and    The Insomnia Workbook .

I would add that the concept of Radical Acceptance can help with insomnia as in so many other problems in life: to completely accept a situation which we cannot change (any time soon, if at all): to accept it without disliking it, without resisting it, without fighting it in any way; to relax into it instead.

anita

Dear aVoid,

I feel so lost and alone. I don’t know where to start. It’s like some supernatural power such as a dark cloud is hanging about my head.

I know the feeling. I first started feeling it consciously in my teenage years. It continued into my adolescence and beyond – the cloud was always there. No matter how perfect the outer circumstances where, even when I was loved and cared for by my then boyfriend, I could never be happy because of that cloud.

Later I’ve realized that the cloud – which was the relentless, ever-present sadness – wasn’t above my head, but it was deep within me, in my heart, in my soul. I was sad because I felt unloved. And not only unloved, but unlovable. There was an emptiness, a longing in my heart, which no amount of outer love and care could fill (and no amount of food either – I was suffering from an eating disorder).

This happens if we haven’t received enough love, care and appreciation as children. I certainly haven’t, I was criticized a lot and was never good enough for my mother. She wasn’t absent like your mother was, but her presence was toxic. My father was much more benign, but allowed my mother to spill her toxicity on me. He didn’t protect me.

You worry that “the monsters I’ve been fighting my whole life are who I’ve now become“.

I can relate, because I believed I was a freak. A monster. I thought I was a freak because of my addiction, but much later I’ve realized that I believed I was a freak because my mother told me so. Because she only saw bad in me, she never praised me but only scolded me. That’s how I became a freak, a pathetic loser undeserving of love – in my own eyes.

Our childhood defines us. It shapes how we see ourselves later in life.

You had a very rough childhood, aVoid, with very little love and care. And the image you’ve adopted about yourself is that of a loser, a monster, a nobody. But that image is false. It’s the reaction to the lack of love and the abuse that you’ve experienced. Because the child always blames themselves if they are treated poorly.  The child never blames the parents.

But all I want is to be a man. Is to have control over my life. I want to stop this. I want to quit smoking. I want to quit porn. I want to get out of the video games and come back to reality. But how?

First, understand that there is a child part in you – called the inner child. He is an innocent little boy, who believes that he is unworthy of love. The pain of this self-image, of this false belief, is so strong that you need to numb it with alcohol, porn, video games, and any other addiction. All of your addictions served one purpose: to numb this unbearable pain.

If you understand that this little boy needs love and appreciation, you can provide it to him. You can provide what you have never received from your parents. Once the little boy receives what he is longing for, the pain will diminish and you won’t have to numb it with addictions. It will all sort it self out, slowly but surely.

I do believe that therapy is very important, but I’d suggest you find someone who knows how to work the inner child and complex trauma (complex PTSD).

There is a way out, aVoid. You can make it, same as I did. You are not a terrible person. You are only wounded. Wounded people don’t need to be judged, they need compassion, so they can heal. Compassion is the first step…

Let me know how this sounds to you…

How are you, aVoid?

anita

Hi aVoid!

It’s good to hear that you have been practising mindfulness and feel like you’re healing and generally doing better. It’s great that you’ve quit smoking too, well done!

You’re very aware of your triggers with alcohol, I’m sure that this will help you manage your alcohol consumption in the future. Well done again on stopping drinking when you felt like you had enough. It’s a shame that after you stopped drinking you continued to get drunk and you accidentally flooded your bathroom. I’m glad that you made it out of that experience safely.. If it makes you feel better once I somehow managed to flood my mom’s bathroom while sober. 😂

It’s good to hear that you have been tidying up too. Sounds like you are making a lot of good progress. Keep up the good work!