fbpx
Menu

Please advise – emotional cheating?

Home→Forums→Relationships→Please advise – emotional cheating?

New Reply
Viewing 2 posts - 1 through 2 (of 2 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • May 4, 2021 at 2:38 pm #379190
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear momstrength:

    There is a long list of his wrong behaviors. The top two on the severity scale are: (1) neglecting his 18-month old daughter while you are at work, especially knowing that she is behind on her development (because of neglect..?), (2) repeatedly telling you that you are crazy when you confront him with undeniable evidence, aka gaslighting: making you doubt reality/ what you saw with your own eyes. You shared about three such incidences, first: “I was shattered and confronted him. He said that I’m crazy and misinterpreting what I read”, second: “I confronted him.. with him calling me crazy saying that I am misinterpreting again”, and third, with a raised voice: “He dared raise his voice and say that.. I am crazy”.

    The fact that before the third time you “held this in for a week and yesterday confronted him”, and that during the third time he raised his voice, suggests to me that on one hand, he now feels stronger and more comfortable about lying and gaslighting you, and on the other hand, you are feeling weaker, having been weakened by his repeated lies and gaslighting.

    The bottom two of his wrong behaviors on the severity scale is that he never cooked or cleaned your home. This would be a big deal for any woman who works 9 to 5 while her partner is at home, but compared to  his other very wrong behaviors, these two are not as bad.

    As far as his character goes, his dishonesty and irresponsibility are troubling not only because of the things you found out on his computer and observed in person, but for the things you don’t know about. For example, maybe he smokes cigarettes while you are at work, being okay with harming your daughter with second-hand smoke for as long as you don’t know about  it.

    What are you  going to do?

    anita

    May 5, 2021 at 1:20 am #379221
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear momstrength,

    I believe the most important to focus on and consider in this situation is your daughter’s well-being. If she’s not getting proper care and attention, i.e. he’s not engaging with her enough and leaves her alone in her swing/bouncer/walker, or in front of the TV for many hours, while spending time on his phone, and even possibly smoking in her presence, that’s child neglect.

    I understand he doesn’t really qualify for a stay-at-home dad, because he does have a job/source of income, or is trying to build his business at present. So in that sense, it should be clear when he’s working and when he’s fully engaged with your daughter. If the lines are blurred and he doesn’t really fulfill his responsibilities as a father, the situation should be changed ASAP, for the benefit of your daughter.

    One possibility is to take her to daycare only for a few hours par day, say 4 hours, to allow him time to work, and the rest she could spend with him. But then he would need to engage more with her and perhaps cook a meal here and there, and do some cleaning perhaps.

    All that is possible if you have a sensible, responsible partner, who is committed both to you and your daughter. Daily schedule could be worked out for the benefit of all, and mostly your daughter. But your fiance doesn’t seem like such a person unfortunately. He isn’t responsible, and he doesn’t seem to be committed, neither to you nor your daughter. He flirts with other women and then gaslights you that it means nothing, or that it’s strictly business-related.

    You say you’re the strong one in the relationship: you have a traditional 9-5 job, you bought your home, did all the paperwork, you pay the bills, arrange doctor’s appointments etc. It seems to me you’re the adult in the relationship, and he’s like a youth having a good time and expecting “mom” to take care of him and all the adult stuff. It’s never fortunate to have an unequal relationship, where one party cannot take their part of the responsibility.

    So I think you should do something to change the status-quo, primarily for the benefit of your daughter, but for your own sake too.

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Tee.
    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Tee.
  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 2 posts - 1 through 2 (of 2 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.