Letting go is not the easiest thing to do. Even after you accept in your mind that it is ok about time to start healing so you can be open to move on. That pain still shows up once in a while unexpectedly in the heart like someone is trying to see how much you can tolerate. It is amazing to see how different the heart and the mind function. In the same person, they seem to be living different lives. Not to talk of the body. You may even have sex with other women and enjoy the distraction of the 30 minutes to 2-3 hours you spend with them, then the mind tells you that if you insist and do this often you will be fine…then suddenly the heart shows up again with that aching pain just at the sight of another woman wearing a sweater that looks like hers, or someone trying to get too close to your heart too fast. Then you probably have to find that new person again, or another to spend some more time with to distract yourself. You know you cannot distract yourself enough without seeming desperate or jumping too fast into a new relationship. Until next time….you can be fine for many days and then it sets in again, like a knife through your heart. Hurting like hell.

Increasingly you forget her…her smell, her smile, her face, her breath, her food. You walk a day pass her school and do not even remember she is there; the nest day u are holding yourself back from passing by to feel that she is there. Then more and more she disappears from you. Someone that was so invasive in your mind sinks gradually away to becoming a memory. Scary, but beautiful really! Somebody that was everything to you is gradually becoming ‘’somebody I used to know’. You do not have those magnificent dreams with her anymore. You cannot feel her presence when you close your eyes anymore. Actually after doing lots of thinking you conclude, in your mind of course that you are better off without her and you rather not have her back. But the heart does not care. It pains its pain and loves its love! I know that I have to let go, I want to let go of someone who no longer sees value in their relationship with me of course. That is perfectly ok, in my mind. No one should be in a relationship that does not satisfy their desires, right? But why is this knowing not enough to take away the pain?

I have learned in the last weeks, the biggest and most hurtful gift of all is; let the pain be! Feel the pain completely and openly. Be vulnerable! Do not fight it. It actually goes away much faster and you feel better…..and maybe complete your night’s sleep. I have always resisted pain, like all my life. In small moments I have felt this heartburn; but never over weeks, and never this intense. Sometimes you think it will never end. Though I am sure I am a loving wonderful man and person and I deserve real love, it still burns! I know that I will find love again, and the one who is going to be the one will not leave here so easily while they still love you. I understand this all, but everything still freaking burns! Work is better now, the sleeping is getting better, the thoughts are less, the anger disappeared, but underneath it all is this cloud of pain that I cannot understand….it is much less, but it is still there. At the moment it has left me, that aching pain, whatever it is here to teach me…but I know it might show up again! It’s just been 5 weeks since she took away one of my greatest treasures with all the promises and dreams we had made together.

Great how far I have come these weeks. Good to know that I can live without her after the pain. Good to know that I have decided to give love an honest chance again one day and Love completely even if this pain decides to come again.

But how can I live so separated from who I am. The body is going its way, the mind another, the heart where it pleases. At times of meditation and joy I re-unite and feel the wholeness of who I am again; but how can one live daily so divided and so distant from Who I am? When does this end?

• This topic was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Ateh.