Dear Shun:

I just read your previous thread. You wrote you are over three months pregnant and you saw an image of him or her, a heart, and felt connected to him/ her. You also mentioned god a few times, with a capital g. And that you believe in everything happening for a reason. I am supposing an abortion is not an option you will consider and probably my suggestion above was enough to greatly disturb you or depress you. If so, that was not my intention.

I am still concerned more than anything with the welfare of the innocent, that little person developing in your womb. If I was you, I would be getting an abortion, for the reason I mentioned above. For the sake of the baby. You see, if I could go back in time that far, I would prefer it if my mother aborted me. It would have been better for me than live through as much pain as I have lived through, with her, divorced with a father who did not help financially. His money went to dating many women and eventually, to his children from a third marriage. My mother was extremely distressed and disturbed. Her own mother, like yours, died when she was very young. Then she, my mother, was neglected by her own father, ended up in an orphanage and had a horrible, terrible childhood.

Growing up with my mother was terrible and at fifty four I still suffer from it. I still do. This is why I hate to see new life brought into this world already so full of pain. But to add to it unfavorable circumstances… This is my first concern by far.

With all your good intents, it is going to be very challenging. You are already resentful of the father of your baby for moving fast forward while you move in slow motion. This is just the beginning. This miracle in you, as you refer to him or her, is going to be a needy baby, so very needy, not only of food but of positive attention and love.

I would have suggested second to abortion to give it up for adoption if I didn’t hear enough stories of miserable parenting by adopting parents. No matter how good it looks on the outside, like my neighbors, terrible adopting parents.

But if you could arrange ahead of the time… determine WHO will adopt your baby? Will you consider that, interviewing the adopting parents, really finding out if they can provide the favorable circumstances that you do not have? And you will find out if they have the attitudes and motivations you can trust?

anita

Dear Shun:

I know you did not mention wanting abortion or to give your child for adoption. Those were my ideas and I do understand they can be viewed as offensive by you. I am concerned, again, with the innocent, that is your unborn baby and my concern for him or her took priority over my concern with your feelings. I will close then with a prayer of sorts, my prayer:

May your baby, your child know safety with you, day after day, night after night. May your child be safe, safe to be and become a free, curious, strong person, free to think and to feel anything at all. May your child feel seen and heard, approved of, validated. May your child be healthy and well, being able to find comfort in a strong, reliable, patient, supportive, mentally healthy mother.

anita

Anita, please edit and think about what you write before you hit “Submit”!. You suggesting someone get an abortion or put their child up for adoption is a little over the top. Just because you have problems with your parents, please don’t make everyone else’s issues your mirror. Or assume that everyone’s problems stem from parent issues. Or ask them leading questions that have nothing to do with their original question.

I had a friend give away all her money (what was to be the daughter’s inheritance) because she didn’t want her daughter’s future husband (the daughter was a lesbian teenager) take advantage of her like she was taken advantage of. Projection, much? LOL! Please, I see you becoming like that friend!! Don’t be like my friend!!

People are different everywhere. Yes, we are the same, but they are not “you”. Right? I’ve held my tongue for a while, but now have to say something, my friend.

Shun, none of us on Tiny Buddha are trained therapists. Take what we say here with a grain of salt. Or, all the salt!! Please only take the good and ignore the unhelpful.

• This reply was modified 9 years ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 9 years ago by Inky.

* Inky: I don’t think at all that my suggestion for anyone to get an abortion or put their child for adoption is over the top. Not as a member of this forum. It would be over the top in the context of a pro-life church. Or if it was against the guidelines listed on this forum. I disagree with a lot of your input on this thread, Inky. All you ever wrote on this forum is YOUR projection as well. We are all projecting all the time. The question is how accurate are projections are.

* Jack: when someone negatively criticizes another on this forum, you jump on the wagon. Your “outer critic” jumps at the opportunity to get a relief from self criticism. When you endorse that the reader takes what you say with a grain of salt, what are you saying? That what you say is senseless, doesn’t have value? Then why post?

anita

Hi Shun,

I understand how physically and mentally exhausted you must be. You’re going through a lot. Try not to fight
your emotions. Just let them come. As Moongal said, it’s okay to feel bad and cry.

You ask how to cope…so I’ll pass along excellent advice i found on these forums some months ago: Right now, this very second, move from your thoughts to your senses. For example, listen to your breaths. Feel them fill your lungs. Look out at the sky. Smell the coffee (decaf for you! :)) that’s brewing. Everything will suddenly lighten up. You’ll see. When your emotions are heavy again in a few minutes, move from your thoughts to your senses.

Best wishes to you!

Lori

Here are a few suggestions that I have found useful when times get tough:

1. Let go of the past. Every day is part of a journey forward, and about learning to accept what the moment presents to us, whether good, bad, or indifferent. Life in slow motion is a good time to explore who you really are, and what you want to embrace as your core values. If you want to live a rich, full life, then you must explore the values that will be part of that life, and make choices that uphold your values. And you must recognize that a rich, full, life includes sorrow, anger, fear and other negative emotions. None of us are given a life without them.

2. When you feel sorrow or other strong emotions, here are some choices I use:
— Simply lean into the emotion. Don’t label it as being something in particular, such as sorrow; just feel it with a sense of curiosity. Where exactly does it rest in your body? What is the physical feel of it? How far does that feeling extend physically? Imagine picking it up and cradling it, embracing it, acknowledging it, and then giving it permission to rest in the vastness of the universe of your mind. Do not create a story line around it, whether about your past or your future; simply regard it with self compassion and as being what you are feeling in the moment.

— Alternatively, try holding the emotion closely and create a sentence around it — for example, “I’m afraid can’t do this alone”. Feel how your body reacts to that emotional statement. Now change the statement to “I am having the thought that I’m afraid I can’t do this alone”. Check in again and see how your body is feeling. Now change the statement to “I notice I am having the thought that I’m afraid that I can’t do this alone.” Check in again on how you are feeling physically. You should notice a sense that the emotion is starting to move further away from you and isn’t as entangled with your mind. Imagine cupping in your hands the thought “I notice I am having the thought that I can’t do this alone” and regard it with some curiosity. How much of that issue statement can you control? What can you do so that you are not alone? What support systems can you build? What resources are out there to help you? And if there is absolutely nothing you can do to change or control any part of the situation, then just give yourself permission to let the thought rest where it is. Focus on what you can do, rather than what you can’t.

We cannot push our emotions away, but we can learn to embrace them as part of life, and then let them go so that we can move on. There will be joy again in your life, but it will come in a different form and from different people.

Hi anita,

You have no idea how much your advice to others has helped me personally. You are fantastic. Your words above “if I could go back in time that far, I would prefer my mother aborted me” tell me of your profound pain. No one should have that much pain.

It’s obvious to me that when you advise someone to get an abortion (I’ve seen this from you on past threads), your goal is to prevent a lifetime of suffering for the child. I totally get that. I’m curious if you’ve ever considered the potential lifetime of suffering for the young woman who takes your advice? This could be suffering that she didn’t (or couldn’t) anticipate. What if this young woman actually has it in her to become an incredible mother in spite of her self-doubts, and takes your advice anyway? That would be tragic.

Maybe abortion is one of those topics that unless someone clearly states she is considering having one and needs help assessing it from different viewpoints, we all should butt out.

anita, please, continue to speak your truth here. I have learned so much from you.

Lori