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  • #41321
    Barbara
    Participant

    My partner is out of town for a week.

    The first day he got to his destination he rang, a little tiippsy, enjoying the arrival. Then when he had settled in later that day he callled again several times, sent me pictures of the river, the lovely village etc. Said it was paradise.

    next day, which is yesterday – no call, no tex all day or night.

    I get quite insecure in such a case (i dont want to text or ring as I want to proove to myself that I am not going to monitor or check on him or be clingy. ) I am kind of dissapointed, as I thought he’d ring to say good luck going back to work – as I was off for 2 months.

    Am I being over sensitive, I know I have a tendency to be a worrier. I kind of just wish he felt the same as me about that kind of stuff – as I would tend to text a person most days if I am away. He could be thinking its expensive, as he did so much calling and texting the first day – or maybe he just feels he checked in with me and now he just wants to enjoy his fishing holiday .

    But I spin, I wonder, I imagine he is doing all sorts, and then I wonder is it thoughtless.

    Spinning and confusion
    Barbs.

    #41326
    Buddhist Wife
    Participant

    Hi Barbara,

    I think it is reasonable, unless your partner is in the deepest darkest jungle/highest mountain where there is no mobile reception, to expect at least one checking in text a day when he is away. Just to let you know he is safe.

    So I personally feel that you are within your rights to text or call him to say that. You could tell him, calmly that you would appreciate hearing from him once a day just to know that he is safe and well.

    Don’t project and don’t make a big deal out of it. Don’t take his behaviour as symptomatic as some deeper problem in your relationship. I suspect as you do, that it is most likely that he has simply been thoughtless in this case.

    I hope you work this out.

    #41333
    Matt
    Participant

    Barbs,

    Wouldn’t it be great if he was having so much fun that he forgot?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41336
    Barbara
    Participant

    Haaa ! Yes Matt ! God forbid, ha !! 🙂 – no, it’s very true Matt, he deserves to enjoy his holiday, and be in the moment ! He is certainly in his element, fishing and having a few beers by the river as we speak – he txted a couple hours ago.

    Thanks Buddist wife – I think he was staggered by the cost of the phone calls and pictures of the town he sent on monday – so he txted to say we will just text instead of call ! Guess Ill forgive him for not contacting me yesterday – Id say Matt was on the button – he is switched on to holiday mode I think !! Hopefully he will keep in touch but if not ill try not overreact !

    Thanks you two ! 🙂

    #41339
    Jade
    Participant

    There was a recent Captain Awkward post that hit on some of the issues that come up when an anxious person has a relationship (romantic or otherwise) with an avoidant person: http://captainawkward.com/2013/08/26/508-509-friendship-attachment-styles-boundaries/

    Basically, it’s “fear of abandonment” meeting “fear of engulfment” and neither person is wrong or right, it’s just that there are different ways people approach relationships. In your case, I know exactly how you feel; my partner is much more of a “talk face to face, phones are weird” person while I’m a bit of a social media and text-a-holic. And every now and then there is a specific situation where I wanted him to text me, but he didn’t, so we talk about it and I hear his explanation which is usually very reasonable and considerate from his “I like to give you space” point of view. It’s just a matter of me speaking about my needs, but at the same time empathizing with his own perceptions about communication.

    #41343
    Barbara
    Participant

    Thanks Jade,

    Yes, thats true.

    My partner is a kind of an ” im busy , so ill txt when i get a chance ” kind of person. (in this case Id say he has been out on the river bank fishing with 2 other guys, and Id say he says to himself ” Ill do it later, as my hands are full ” ) Whereas I txt people back almost straight away.

    I get annoyed – as I take it as – ”you are not that important to me” ” you are disposable, and I dont have to try that hard”. For example I dont really understand that he didnt txt me last night – as I would always do that – I kind of see it as a bit careless and mean. He probably sees it as – I went out for the evening, fell into bed, and I was exhausted ! (I didnt txt him because : a) I didnt want to look like im hunting him down on holidays b) I didnt want to wait for a reply while I was getting to sleep- and then get more anxious.

    I think he is kind of relaxed all across the board – and if he ”lets me down”, in my eyes, which to him could be just that he didnt feel he had the right moment to stop what he was doing just then, I get to thinking maybe I cant rely on him. I would like him to be more reliable in these things – but he is the way he is !

    Just have to let it be and not take it too personally I guess ?

    Thanks so much Jade.

    Barbs,

    #41345
    Matt
    Participant

    Barbs,

    As far as taking it personally, I think that’s a great idea.

    Consider regarding it as focus. To hunt and fish, for instance, it is important to attune to the environment very directly and potently. Cut away distractions that aren’t relevant to the immediate needs of the hunt. As he embraces the inner caveman, perhaps that quality is also being invigorated. (Or when he is at work, or wherever, when he is “task oriented”)

    You probably experience this in the classroom yourself, where you dont think about bills, you think about the kids. Not that paying bills is not important, it just doesnt come up as you focus on the children in your care.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41406
    Barbara
    Participant

    Hi,

    well just an update – all was going fine, but the texts were very sparse, and always hours after I would text. And they were one sided, never with any questions about how I am, or what either of us were doing. I got the feeling that they were just to keep me happy, rather than genuine communication, as such.

    We then spoke on the phone this evening – he told me its amazing over there, there is a big festival, parties til 5 in the morning etc. Now I am an insecure person – so immediately I get anxious. Whenever he hears that in me at all in that anxious tone ( even though I am gentle and not confrontational – but maybe he can sense it ) he gets angry… I didnt say I was feeling insecure, but he said he could feel I wanted to question him, and that trust etc was a big problem….Yet if he was the insecure one – I would help him, be gentle, be mindful of all that we have learned about eachother in councelling – not angry, and detatched. he knows me by now, and knows how hard im trying with my practices, etc… but this seems to mean nothing to him.

    So the converstation got a bit argumentative – although I stayed calm – I reassured him that I am really glad he is having a good time, but that I do get a small bit insecure. I asked him not to get angry over that – that I am far away, that even though I get insecure, I have not called him, or encroached on his fun, and have given him his space. His anger continued on the phone. It was 9 in the evening – and he said – ”im going to bed” – this from a guy who never ever, even with the worst hangover ever, goes to bed before 1.30 in the morning…..I knew in my gut he was getting ready to go out. He said ”im going to bed, i will ring you in the morning”. Trust to me works both ways – if he was gentle, caring and compassionate he would see that all I need is a small bit of attentiveness, and genuine communication, and to know he cares. Trust, I do not think, can be nurtured by lies – and I can cattegorically say he was not going to bed – in Spain on a guys holiday.

    Which leads me to think – lies equals deception, and how do I know that he has not met someone there ? It is possible that this is why he reacted this way. Maybe he met someone at the festival, and he is just passing the blame to me.

    So I tried to call him, and I sent a text -no answer.

    Now I feel desperate, lonely, and suspicious, and neglected.

    I really feel maybe somebody is telling me something here – should I move on ? Should I take that treatment ? I know I have my own issues, but am I asking too much ?

    What do people think? Is my mistrust unfounded ? Maybe my gut is telling me things ?

    Barbs.

    #41409
    Matt
    Participant

    Barbs,

    Who broke the trust first? It seems you poked him in a sensitive part, as you became mistrustful of his vacation activities. Dominoes? Now he’s sleeping with señoritas? Consider, perhaps, maybe… butt+cushion=peace? 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41413
    Barbara
    Participant

    Yes, I know Matt, i agree – dominoes possibly – it’s painful though – and I know suspicions are horrible, and are not conducive to intimacy, but he reacts by pushing me away, instead fo seeing that im a tiny bit vulnerable, thousands of miles away. I didnt ask him anything, I didnt accuse him of anything. And by lieing and telling me he is going to bed – at 9.30 !! Way to build trust ! Great path to our mutual trust. I know when he gets back that I wont trust him at all now – for me thats just bullshit – what a rediculous excuse. And just to cover his backside he said ”ill ring you first thing in the morning” – in otherwords ”im off radar until then”.

    He knows my weak spots, and he knows im trying to work on them. I know that I poked a sensitive spot in him, but I feel stone -walled by him, and now ive made a fool of myself by texting and calling, as I hate uncertainty. He could have easily reassured me in an easy way, as I was’nt confrontational – but instead he chooses to be harsh and cold and judges me as some kind of pariah, and cuts contact.

    I dont think I can do it anymore – we just seem to be poles apart – we are so different, and I dont think in a ying yang kind of way ! If I think if me in 5 years – with kids, and imagine if he went off for a week staying up all night at parties – I think thats acting like a guy who is free and single. I know if I go away with the girls, I am attentive, I call, I text, I ask to see how his day is. I go out too, but I let him know what im at, and i genuinely communicate. I would tell him that i met people, had a bit of craic, and id let him in on what I was up to.

    Between the weed, the chef job, the partying, (ocasional coke use), the fact that im a teacher, our pace of life – maybe the writing is on the wall. We just dont click in a harmonious way. And I do feel that he moves so fast form one thing to the nest – be it football on tv, weed, friends, he is constantly moving and on the go – i just cant settle in this crazy existence. He comes in at 11.00 in the night, smokes, football, says hi, bed, and then it all starts again. Then days off are maybe a meal together, then smoking, football, friends, and the week starts again. I spend my weekends alone, other than going out with my few unmarried friends to keep myself independent. Its not that he isnt here physically, but in his head he is moving so fast onto the next plan, that I cant relax ! And I end up instigating plans, so that I can have him stick to a ‘date night’ or whatever. Its like even when he is here I know he is planning the next thing in his head – texting a friend, whatever…..I just maybe need someone who can rest easy, settle, chill out – but thats not him – he is like a ‘cat on a hot tin roof’, restlless and kind of preoccupied….

    And im not trying to change him – im just assessing the whole palaver. Trying to see if I can handle this whole scenario. Even in councelling, the therapist said to him ”well I have to say, your job is all over the place”. She also said it would take a very self – sufficient person to be able for it – as you are like a single person, for all intense and purposes. His career is amazing, and he is gifted – but boy is it hard to be a ‘chef widow’. We havent had one holiday in 2 years, and I work hard too. He said that I am jealous of his holiday, just because I said ”oh I wish I could see it, oh that sounds beautiful ”

    Oh what a mess.

    And now tomorrow he will probably blank me too

    Great!

    Feeling sorry for myself – maybe Im a narcissist !!

    🙂 Ill try to smile – I have to go to school tomorrow and teach, even though I feel like I could take a bottle of prozac to get rid of this pain. Better get happy.

    #41442
    Barbara
    Participant

    Hi,

    I tried to put it all ot of my mind today, but I feel so isolated and lonely . He said I am ”sick in the head”, and that I ”need help” , because I cant trust.

    I feel like an idiot, and a failure – that yet again I have gone for a guy who is not compatable, and that it’s my very own fault, as I ignored the fact that all along I have been trying to make something that wasnt a good fit, fit us both…… I have tried so hard to make it work, because I loved him, but it’s like banging my head against a brick wall.

    I also know that if I et him go I have to face that pain, and the heartache all again. Ive had so much of it all my life.

    When I feel sad or insecure he just pushes me away, and I just want to be happy with someone, like my colleagues and friends – I seem to be the only one of them who has systematically screwed up my decisions.

    He also said that I will never find anyoone to put up with me, and that nobody will ever be able to deal with me. Im afraid that’s true., maybe I’m too flawed to be part of a couple, and i’ll never feel comfortable and safe – that is what scares me most, as I want to feel comfortable and at ease and feel loved.

    Thanks
    Barbs.

    #41444
    Matt
    Participant

    Barbs,

    Sometimes my wife has a pain in her shoulder, and asks me for a massage. If were to say to her “what is wrong with you, you are sick and twisted and its not my fault, fix yourself” would you consider those to be wise words? Would they be loving? There is a distinct difference between wanting gentle love from our partner, and being “sick in the head”.

    That’s not to say there isn’t stuff happening in your mind, some twists and turns that bring you pain. There are. However, his systematic abuse isn’t about you. He seems distinctly separated from his compassion. Because the karma in your intimacy is thick, when you say “I’m feeling insecure” he responds with anger. That is not a healthy reaction from him. Sure, your insecurities are a problem for you, but his refusal to meet you halfway is terrible for the intimacy.

    You seem to have slid from pride to shame. Going from “I will control your actions to make myself happy” (pride) to “Your response is my fault” (shame). There is a middle ground where your actions are about you, and his actions are about him.

    For instance, perhaps he was hoping that you would only be excited for him getting a chance to go and party. Instead, when you heard of the partying, it brought up feelings of isolation, which he picked up on. Instead of saying to himself “yes, this is how she sometimes responds and I love her” which would move him toward helping you, he selfishly said “screw her, she doesn’t care about my happiness” and dominoed his way into anger and resentment. “How dare she accuse ME. How dare she not support ME.” Sigh. If only people were perfectly loving, this whole damned world would rise into grace. But unfortunately that is not the case.

    Have you considered that perhaps you’re in love with an asshole? You open your heart, express your gentle truth, and he poops on your face. Then, he complains that you smell bad! How invalidating it must feel!

    Sometimes the lesson is to see clearly and respond with a little heat. “Excuse me mister, your anger at my insecurity is a much bigger problem than my fear you’re going to forget our intimacy while you’re drunk and partying.” He assumes you cause his anger, and that emotionally and psychologically abusing you is a normal response. It really isn’t, my dear sister. Yes, you have some stuff to work out with your self esteem, but how can you build esteem when someone is constantly criticizing you for where you are now? This “your problem, you suck barb, you are a terrible person” is about the worst thing someone can say to an insecurity, and indicates a deep unsettling delusion in his mind. If he is stuck assuming you are the only one acting foolishly, that is his stuck, not yours.

    There are an enormous amount of men out there who respond much better, and accept that insecurities arise when we are invested in intimacy. Whether you feel the one you have is workable is between you and your heart… just remember that if you step up to the plate and own your feelings, insecurities and all, your partner has the responsibility to respond kindly. Otherwise, he doesn’t really love you, he loves a vision of you without the baggage. That will never work.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41486
    Barbara
    Participant

    Thanks Matt, as always. You are such a nice person.

    I went out with a very old friend last night, and stayed in her house for lots of supportive chats – thank God for good friends and caring people 🙂

    What you described is the exact problem – my insecurities would benefit from kindness and gentle love – and it is something that I can’t get from him – as his anger, impatience and distain.

    He blames me for any, and every one of our problems – just me ! Not us, but me alone. According to him I am the root of all our issues. Even today he said I have issues, and I responded by saying every person on the planet has issues of various kinds, and most people try their best to reach a way through them like me.

    The problem is just as you said – that I am battling his anger and criticism, and I can’t feel better about myself if I constantly feel like he sees me as a failure, a flaw, and a thorn in his side. When all I want is a bit of warmth, and for him to take my hand and say I have nothing to worry about, and look into my eyes and be kind to me.

    I have come to the decision that I have to let him go. I am just going to let it sink in and then I have to do whats best. I do step up to the plate and own all my baggage – and he knows where it comes from, and the reasons for it. Despite that, he puts me down, blames me for his anger, tells me its all my fault, and all I want, like anyone is to be loved. And like you say, he wants me without the baggage.

    I love do him, and he is adopted and had a very hard childhood. The adoption agency put him with a family that was already dysfunctional – what sickens me is that he cold have gone to a different family – and he wouldnt have the issues he has with smoking weed, drinking, drugs – it s all part and parcel of where he was brought up. Drug dealers live a few doors down. He might not have been that way if he was not brought up there. I think of his face, and I love him, his good side, his ability to listen to me, but his anger takes over when im insecure, and I just have a sense isolation, lonliness and that Im not good enough.

    My fears of not meeting anyone else will have to stop – as I have to believe that I will be able to. And please God, as you say Matt, there will be men out there who can be gentle and caring, and realise that nobody would ‘choose’ to have insecurities, or purposely have low self esteem ! Who would ever wish for that. It is something I am trying to change, and it is hard to do in itslef. If I had a supportive love in my life I would maybe heal and grow better, rather than feeling bruised and battered every day.

    I pray I have the strenght to follow it through and suffer the feelings of loss, and come through it and come out the other side. I am scared and terrified that if I loose him, I will regret it. I know when he is gone the harsh voice in my head will hear his words in my head, saying it is all my fault, that I was to blame, that I pushed him to anger. I hope I will be happy again in time. Just contented. Im not perfect but I want to be loved fully, like us all. It makes me sad that it couldnt be with him, as I loved him, but I guess I have to just let it go. Pleas pray for me that this is a lesson I have to learn and that a better future lies ahead.

    Blessings and Namaste,
    Warm wishes,
    Barbs.

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