Hello again, I’m just treating this as a sort of semi-update as this is part of my journaling I’m regularly doing as I feel I am sinking lower yet with the same functionality as before, and mentally feel weaker than ever when I try to be as aware as I know I was before, like a muscle you know you pushed too far.

Excerpt Name: You don’t have the energy to do great things… you create that energy when you start them.

I struggle with the application of free, in the moment, choice of will.

That right now, I can work on my apex class, right now, I can attempt to be more real and proactive in my conversations to get a more real result I want out of my family so they can get better…

Right now, I can do all the healthy things in the world, take a jog, work out, apply methods to my schedule to get what I want, how I want.

That small step to starting it all…I hesitate, I feel a repulsing sense of if this is right, is this… to me?

All my young-er life I’ve known who I was, and I entered my own plague of problems purposely because I had a absence of issues, and I wanted to understand why my family was so embroiled in them, and learning to have actual problems, with that, I found the fallibility we have as humans, that when you are flawed, there’s this sick, twisted, but secure feeling of having an excuse of not being more, enough.

An excuse of incompetence, for your life not being better, because there’s a sort of atmosphere that’s a constant dull of your life, waiting for moments to begin and end, of negative things like pain or loss, to good things like warmth and happiness.

This infallibility of mindfulness comes with the territory of not having your life together, unbundled, of not living your life thinking, “This is how I chose to exist, to live, and to grow.”

We learn to ask why, to understand meaning is relative, but the moment your grasp loosens, you’ll struggle to ever maintain the grasp you unconsciously had before ever learning to question the meaning in life.

I questioned so much in my life, but the moment I stopped asking, lost my grasp with all the burden this life gave me as I sought knowledge to understand and help, only to learn no method is a sure-fire way to secure my only thing I know that makes my life worth it? I doomed myself to the mishmash of partial nihilism, struggle, and lack of knowledge that comes with a “unlived” life.

Risks, do they even want to improve, what do I have without them, will I have anything if I decide to live for myself, is it really that easy to give up on them like that, after enduring so much for this knowledge to help and assist, do I still love this knowledge the same as I first did once my personal studies started garnering results? Heh, I know that last one’s answer…no.

Any emotion is like an ember that sparks in this sea of burden I find myself in.

I want to learn so much, how to draw, animate, rig my own digital avatar, each with realistic use towards a more grand goal of improving the general mental health, acuity, and awareness of the world.

Sounds so hard, yet there are examples recent and not of how people created ripples through the world, intended or not, and I desire to use them all to bring anew a start of growth of will that has softened and grown feeble in the strength society grants in the ability to just- exist… “float”, like on top of a body of water, still, and often inert of purpose, true will or desire…at least a realized one.

A grant from the application of society to be placid in one’s existence.

I want, at least, if someone simply wants to live and enjoy life without an overarching goal or desire, of consciousness, for it to be-

INTENTIONAL.

And that ability for me, of intentionality, that I was blessed with the first moments I began to live consciously, has been scarred, traumatized, burned, driven to drives of insanity, making this blessing as much a curse, and pierced with a weapon that is still there, TO THIS DAY!

To counter that boundless will, my mental energy is constantly sapped by this constantly dirty, mindless environment, by constant combating negative throws of prejudice and mindlessness I thought I would never have because I’m in a state I would finally say is similar to all of my family’s norm, to having that HARSH, TRUTH, uses as a weapon against me the day I first was aware as I first remember SCREAMING OF MY PARENTS WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE EACH OTHER!

I think I hear crying when it’s laughter, I think I hear arguing when there’s silence, and WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE IN THEIR VOICES?!

I consider this the lowest I’ve ever been despite still being functional, of being in worse dilapidated states, of feeling okay.

Cause that’s the level of being “operational” I had to learn to be to keep this life of mine going.

Degenerated to this…