Dear Taylor:

In your two threads, you shared about your parents: “My mom is a very anxious person, and I’d describe her as codependent… She has described her relationship with my dad as him ‘saving’ her. She sought approval from her abusive father despite him rejecting her over and over, literally until the day he died. Often, I think this must be part of where my issues come from… I did sometimes feel like I was walking on eggshells with my mom (not wanting to hurt her feelings) … My parents are very co-dependent and that is how I always thought relationships are supposed to be.”

And about yourself: “I have trouble connecting with my intuition in relationships… I feel constantly plagued with self-doubt. I over-analyze every relationship…I know better now, but I find myself consistently repulsed by guys who are fully available and want commitment and stability. And I am most attracted to the addictive, chasing dynamic.”

My best understanding today (here for your possible consideration and evaluation. Please let me know what fits and what doesn’t 🙂): your intuition was trained to serve someone else’s emotional needs, not your own. When you were growing up, you had to pay attention to your mom’s feelings more than your own. You learned to notice what she needed, avoid upsetting her and keep the peace. Because of that, you didn’t get the opportunity to listen to your own inner voice.

Your “intuition” may have been focused on “Is Mom okay?”, “Did I do something wrong?”, “How do I keep her calm?”

So now, as an adult, your intuition, in the context of personal relationships, is still trying to protect other people’s feelings instead of helping you understand your own.

* Your mom was anxious and emotionally fragile: as a child, you had a mother who, I imagine, worried a lot, needed reassurance, depended on others to feel okay and was easily hurt. This makes the child feel like she has to be careful all the time.

* You learned to walk on eggshells: you didn’t want to upset her, so you learned to watch her reactions, hide your own feelings and be “good” and not cause trouble. This taught you that your own emotions were less important than keeping someone else stable.

* You learned to doubt yourself: because you continuously had to adjust to your mom’s feelings, you never learned to trust your own instincts, needs and reactions. So, you second‑guess yourself in adult, romantic relationships.

* You learned that love means emotional instability: your parents were very dependent on each other and your mom chased approval from someone who rejected her. This taught you that love = chasing, anxiety, uncertainty and trying to earn affection. So calm, steady love feels unfamiliar.

* You feel repulsed by men who are stable and available: when a man is emotionally healthy and ready for a real relationship, your body-mind doesn’t recognize that as “love.” It feels strange, maybe even uncomfortable.

Your nervous system learned that love = intensity and unpredictability, not safety.

* You feel drawn to men who are distant or hard to get: unavailable men create longing, doubt, chasing and emotional highs and lows. This matches what she grew up with. It feels familiar, even if it’s painful.

In a summary: as a child, you had to take care of your mom’s feelings. You learned to ignore your own needs. As an adult, you doubt herself, avoid stable love, and are drawn to relationships that feel like your childhood — uncertain, intense, and emotionally confusing.

What do you think-feel, Taylor?

🤍 Anita