Dear Sunny:

“We both have shared that after fighting, sometimes it’s hard to just bounce back to normalcy“- this is why the best policy is to not fight, but to resolve conflicts through a negotiation. Of course, when there’s anger, it’s okay to responsibly express it, but not to escalate it.

“He stated that I prioritized the wrong emotions and that I should have been there for him on his first day of work… I was trying to release tension between us which is why I felt like I wasn’t prioritizing the wrong emotions here. I was only trying to make things better between us. Is that so much of a bad thing?“- I suppose timing is an important issue here: if you confronted him with what you confronted him after his first day of work, that would’ve been better timing, wouldn’t it?

“Is there any advice you can give? I am struggling here.“- reconsider the situation, see if his complaints are more valid than you thought so far. If they are, then sincerely apologize, letting him know specifically what you are apologizing for.

You are welcome to describe what happened before his first day at work, if you would like more specific input from me.

anita

Dear Sunny

I suggest that you preferably together watch Gabor Mate’s talk on Non Violent Communication. Also write your wish list on a whiteboard that way you can add new ideas as they arise, that way your partner can see it and maybe he could have his own wish list you both might be surprised that there are things that you both want ie kayaking.

I have this pinned up on my door  “Any action done out of pure intent to bring joy or to relieve suffering is never lost even if the immediate outcome is not what we want, and even if it is the opposite” which sort of sums up your situation.

Roberta

Hi Sunny

I’m sorry to hear that you had a couple of arguments with your partner.

Something my partner shared with me was that he likes there to be some positives focused on during disagreements. I wonder if this is something that your partner might find helpful?

Not talking for a few days really isn’t healthy and it’s really not a fair thing to ask of a partner. No wonder you are feeling isolated and disconnected. It’s technically an abusive behaviour called stonewalling.

It’s true, that you could have focused on his first day experience before discussing things. But it seems to me that you’re not the only person dropping the ball if you will. And for such a simple argument starting things off…

It’s kind of escalated massively which, doesn’t seem like your fault either. You might not have been perfect, but you had good intentions of clearing the air. So no, I don’t think it’s all your fault. As my husband says, these things take two people.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Wait, made a mistake there. Anita is not my wife. Just got her name in the worn place. I meant to say that on this forum, Anita is better at giving advice. My wife would be glad to give anyone advice even on topics that she knows nothing about, haha.

Dear Sunny:

You asked me what I think of replies that you received from other members. My practice on the rare occasions when I comment on other responders’ input, is to only mention what I agree with, not what I disagree with. I express my own understandings in my own replies, so there is no need to mention or argue against others’ replies. Of course, I sometimes make mistakes, and so do others. I am open to correct my mistakes and work for a better and more thorough understanding the longer I communicate with members.

If you disagree with some (or all) of my expressed understanding below, please let me know. Some of what follows, if correct, will be difficult to read because it might make you feel badly, but (again, if correct),  reading and considering what follows, at your own timing and pace, can be of significant help for you.

“The day before my partners first day of work, there was an argument between us. This resulted in tension on his first day and he shared he felt very lonely“- the argument harmed him.

“We both have shared that after fighting, sometimes it’s hard to just bounce back to normalcy“- the fighting harmed him, you and the relationship.

“he stated that I prioritized the wrong emotions and that I should have been there for him on his first day of work… The fight we had was about surprises and gift giving. He kept saying he did not know what I wanted as a gift and that I never tell him anything which was incorrect. There are a few things I wanted and I shared that with him multiple times… I became a bit frustrated because to me it felt like he was not listening to what I was saying all those times of me saying I want something. That is what started the argument between us. It turns out he was only saying that to throw me off but I wasn’t aware of that…(to) surprise me because he in fact did get me those presents“-

– I believe that I now understand what happened: your partner was about to start a new job. It was the day before his first day at work. He was anxious about the next day and needed you to be there for him, to calm down his anxiety about the next day. But instead of calming down his anxiety, you added to his anxiety by arguing about him saying that he didn’t remember what birthday gifts you repeatedly told him that you want from him.

He has a very valid point, Sunny. You did indeed placed the wrong emotional priority that day: you should have not questioned him and argued with him about him not listening to you, especially on the day before his first day at work. Arguing increases anxiety, the opposite of what he needed.

Think of it from a practical angle: for him to be able to buy you the gifts you want, he’d need a job, so to make the money to purchase the gifts. From this perspective alone, it was a priority on that day that you calm his anxiety, and in so doing, increase his chances to do well on the first day of his new job.

“He said he felt lonely and overwhelmed.. He said that he needed me there but I wasn’t there. He also stated how he wants his partner to offer these things at a time of need as well as in general and not seeing that from me is sending him into a state of confusion, anxiety and stress“- the arguing did all this to him, it made him feel very badly. He doesn’t want the type of relationship that sends him into a state of confusion, anxiety and stress, a very valid assertion.

“While I do understand that I may not have been there for him on his first day, I was trying to release tension between us“- you were trying to release tension within you, not tension between you and him. By arguing with him, you created tension between the two of you.

“which is why I felt like I wasn’t prioritizing the wrong emotions here“- I believe that you did indeed prioritize the wrong emotions on that day. Putting aside the fact that he did remember what gifts you wanted, already purchased them, and was trying to throw you off so that you will be surprised when he gives you the gifts, what caused you the tension within, what distressed you on that day was that you felt that he didn’t listen to you:

“it felt like he was not listening to what I was saying all those times of me saying I want something“- reads like growing up, you weren’t listened to…? It is possible that the tension within you in regard to not being listened to, existed way before you met your partner, and this past tension re-awakens in adult situations when you are being listened to..?

“I was only trying to make things better between us. Is that so much of a bad thing?“-  a state of confusion, anxiety and stress is a bad thing. It’s bad for one’s performance on the first day of work, it’s bad for one’s health, plus many people have accidents, get injured and even die while in that state.

“I just feel like although he has valid reasons for being upset, it’s not like I was intentionally dismissing his important day and feelings. I was still trying to figure out what was wrong between us and wanted to work things through. But it feels like it’s all my fault“- indeed, you were not intentionally dismissing his important day and his feelings, but in practice, you did.

Sunny, I was in the wrong many times, and felt very guilty for it. it took me a long time to resolve that guilt by becoming aware when my words and actions were indeed wrong, and changing the ways I talk/ type and interact with people. It takes enduring valid guilt and changing behaviors that need to be changed.

In regard to other members’ replies in your thread: I think that learning Non Violent Communication (NVC)is an excellent advice. It’s about resolving disagreements through compassion. You can research the topic online. Focusing on positives during disagreements is also excellent advice (it’s part of NVC). Just talk. No yelling, is another excellent advice, again, in line with NVC.

You asked in your original post, “Is there any advice you can give?“- I will be glad to address this question further after you respond to this post, if you choose to, when you do.

anita

Dear Sunny:

You are welcome! I read your clarification. I am impressed by your attitude and willingness to learn.

“I did apologize immensely to him and acknowledged my shortcomings hoping we can have a conversation but that is when he requested space“- do you remember your apologies to him, what exactly did you say (or type) to him, best you remember?

anita