Hi Everyone,

My relationship just ended last month after 1 year together and I have been experiencing painful breakup to an extent that I need to move back to my country earlier than I expected.

Early in our relationship, my ex was sleeping with someone else. He confessed that to me and I forgave him. I went to therapist and learned to trust him again. Until, there was a moment that I found it was difficult and decided to break up with him, he asked me to give him time to trust him again, and I gave him time, we got back together.

One day, I found out that he has been shitty talk about me to his female best friend and I also found out that he was still chatting with the girl he slept with, despite of him promised not to do it. He apologized and promised not to overshare our relationship to his best friend and to cut off this girl. What made me really sad was I kept asking if he has communicated with that girl, he said yes until I found it out myself. I found it was very hard for me to trust him, but I remained in the relationship with him. I did see his progress and changes. But I remained insecure.

I really love him and I was doing everything I can to understand him. I just wanted to support him and made him happy. He was my first love and he came from a very difficult childhood and I just wanted to be there with him. There was a time when he needed to travel abroad but he didn’t have any experiences with that, I travelled 3 hrs by bus with him, stayed over in a hotel near the airport, dropped him, and back again to where we live alone, took 3 hrs bus again, early morning. I really love him.

One day, when we were working together, I saw a chat from a girl name “A” (different girl he slept with) with a flirty chat from him that he said it was not flirty and she just a friend. Although, we both know that she was someone he liked. He called me insecure and I blamed myself at that moment to not trust him. The same day, I also found that his best friend asked him to breakup with me many times and asked him to contact and get back to the girl he slept with. I found this one out when I checked his phone, I was not proud of checking his phone. I cried when I read that, it was really hurtful and I couldn’t believe that his female best friend could ask my ex to get back to someone he slept with. I already have some negative feeling towards his female friend. I saw many unfair and wrong accusations as well towards me. My ex apologised to me for telling an incomplete stories to his female best friend. Although, I came to his best friend’s wedding party, initiated a puzzle wedding gift, and met her in person. I still found it was irritating to communicate with her. I really dislike her. But every time I expressed my feeling to my ex, he just said that I was insecure. Many times when I communicated my insecurity, he dismiss my feeling and said that he didn’t want to help, he said I need to go to my therapist not him. I cried a lot every time he said that.

I love him but I don’t like myself in our relationship, I became insecure and I felt that I have been taken for granted, I felt like I was crazy for asking a bare minimum. But I stayed in the relationship. Until the moment when I have been staying a lot in his flat and few months after that, I found that he has been watching porn despite of us has made a deal to not watch porn, the worst thing was I found out an AI deep fake porn video with his female best friend face and porn star body. I vomited when I looked at the video. I cried and scared. I felt hopeless. I have many negative thoughts including that his relation with his female best friend was more than a friend. He blamed me for looking at that video in his computer, he said it was an old video far before he met me. But I was scared, I know it was not right to use someone’s photo without her consent and turn it into a porn video. Until one day, I told his best friend about the video. My ex was angry, he threw all of my stuffs from his flat (at this point we have been moving in together), he kicked me out from his flat mid night, he throw my clothes from his window. I was alone in a foreign country. I cried and I was so broken. I rescheduled my flight back to my country, earlier than my plan. The worst thing was his best friend asked him if the video was real and my ex said that I was a liar, they both called me ‘mental’. Meanwhile, I could swear that the video was real and I have many proofs of that. I was so broken to be called mental.

Although, few days after that he apologised and I stayed in his flat again before flying back to my country and he dropped me off to the airport. I still found myself crying every night, remembering how he treated me. The memory of him kicking me out midnight was really hurtful. But, I also found that I still love him. I feel really stupid for still loving someone who has been treating me that way. I found it is also hard to move on despite of remembering how he treated me. I self blamed myself thinking that the reason why we broke up was because I checked his computer. All of his words calling me unattractive, moron, bitch, useless were dancing in my brain until now. I feel so broken. But, I find it is hard to hate him.