Hello Tom,

What I might look for with respect to length of time to reply to messages is a pattern.  Have you known this person long enough to get a sense of their pattern with regard to responding to messages?  Do they generally respond within 5-10 minutes?  Half an hour? Several hours?  I also think it might be relevant to consider the context of the messaging.  If you are asking them to meet you for dinner, for example, then I would expect a response within a reasonable amount of time.  But if the context is more in the category of “getting to know you”, I would think it could take any amount of time to respond to something along those lines.

If you have known this person for awhile, and it is taking them longer and longer to respond, then I would have a conversation about this with them.  Maybe talk about what you both consider reasonable.  Or ask if their response time is due to something relating to you or the relationship.

I hope this helps.

Airene

Dear Tom,

I can fully empathise.

I, too, am a slave to overthinking and it has affected me adversely in many aspects of my life.

Times where I can stay calm and grounded, being present in the moment, I have spent it mourning about what has already happened or what has yet to happen.

I pretend that I can change the past or I can control the future, and that, is fully wrong. The only control we have over our lives is in the present, and it took me a while to realise that.

While you can overthink how your partner might be cheating on you etcetera, know that it serves no good except for causing excessive worry. You are able to control this. You can combat this.

Revert your attention from this stream of rumination and instead, focus on yourself or loving your partner. Overthinking does not solve anything, and it will only bring about damage to your mental health.

Stay rooted to the present, and be strong.

You can do it. Self-realisation is already the first step.

Regards,

Jun

Dear Tom:

Maybe something happened that you are not aware of. Maybe a conversation with her will increase your awareness and you will know more. It would have been a good idea to have revealing conversations during some of those 9-10 dates. How good it is to know, to be aware of what is happening- I think it is way better to be aware than to hope for, to guess, to wonder…

I hope to read from you this Friday. Before, if you’d like.

anita

Hi Tom,

It looks like you have received alot of great advice. Maybe I am old school, but I don’t believe in “texting” in dating as a way to get to know someone or even in the early stages of dating. It’s too impersonal. Once, this man insisted on “texting” or “e-mails” as a form of communication, and I texted back and said “anyway we could get past being “pen-pals” well, men don’t like to be thought of as “pen pals so he started to call me on the phone from that moment on.

The reason I don’t believe in texting, is too much distance. You don’t get to know the person, the sound of their voice, laugh, what they like to do, foods they like, work they enjoy, hobbies, kids, etc..can’t make them laugh by joking around, the “human touch is gone, not a very good way to get to know someone”. That is when I always use the excuse “lost my cell phone when a man I meet insists on texting as a form of communication”. I give him my phone number. Saying for home, I prefer to talk on the phone. There is also an excellent app called “Marco Polo walkie Talkie” that just came out” where you can leave video messages for each other, or talk to each other live, it’s very easy to use..still it’s way less impersonal then a phone call. For some reason texting as a way to get to know someone seems kind of “teenagish” too me. Just use the phone, better yet, meet up somewhere casual for coffee. I usually reserve “texting” after I get to know someone where may be I can send a romantic text letting them know I am thinking of them, or missing them, or if I am running late etc. Just some thoughts.