Overcoming Habitual Suicidal Ideation

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    Just going to start off by saying that I’m not in any danger, so no one has to worry. These are just habitual thoughts since childhood as a result of abuse. I don’t have a plan. These are just thoughts that occur when I feel overwhelmed or in pain. I like to think of it as meaning “I want this pain to stop”.

    I was reading about how other people overcame suicidal ideation. I had hoped that it was possible to change, but I had no idea how to approach it.

    One large takeaway was that I need to believe that it is possible and reduce my anxiety.

    I notice that I have underlying beliefs that I will always have these thoughts because I have had them for most of my life. There is also a belief that these thoughts occur frequently.

    I decided to keep a diary of how many good days I have when these thoughts don’t occur. How many days in a week these thoughts aren’t occurring and how many consecutive days that they aren’t occurring.

    These results will help me to change my beliefs.




    Hi Helcat

    This morning as I woke to a general sense of anxiety for no apparent reason, the usual thoughts followed, wishing that I could end it as in die. To be candid I cannot remember a time when these thoughts of ending things have not been part of my life. So when I read you post I could relate to your question as I asked it myself this very morning.

    It seems to me these thoughts have been planted deep from a early age and the part of the self that keeps bringing them to the surface is doing so more out of habit that for a reason. I assume their is a part of that self that is addicted to them.

    My method of dealing with it has been to take a step back and observe the observer that is experiencing the anxiety from which the thoughts arise.  A practice of detachment to unblock the flow and move on from the thoughts. It sometimes works though this morning the frustration of noticing these thoughts arise yet again and not knowing why got in the way. Why can be a very unskillful word especially, as I’m beginning to suspect, this is no why, at least no one that is relevant to the present.

    Allan Watts said “If you want to outwit the devil, it is extremely important that you don’t give him advanced notice. Even if you only announce to yourself your intentions, the devil will know, because who do you think the devil is? You

    I think part of what Allan is referring to with that statement is the art of ‘doing by not doing’ That when you try not to have such thoughts as suicided ideation your pretty much going to have those thoughts.  And to that I have no answer as part of the problem is language itself… and the constant nattering of the inner narrator that can’t seem to help itself in describing every thought and feeling.

    Something I learned was the life is a cycle of birth, death, rebirth – the reality of every breath. Put another way Life eats Life, or Life requires the sacrifice of Life in the pursuit of Life and growth.  This is the reality of organic organisms and the subjective things as thoughts, feelings, desires, fears….. such things have their time to be born and to die so that we might learn and grow.

    Only the ego isn’t usually fully conscious of this reality and or does not trust it, that rebirth will follow. Such a ego consciousness does not like IT as it feels like death as a ending, so It resist this flow of life, which it can’t. This produces anxiety and the paradoxical desire of ending this cycle by suicide.  The ego self fear of “dying” creating the suicidal ideation, which surly is ironic.

    Anyway I took that to mean that when I experience thoughts of suicide its a sign pointing to the likelihood that I’m holding on to something that needs to die so that a something else might grow. I suspect thier are a few things I’m holding onto that is blocking flow.  Thus we work for that which no work is required as the flow is always flowing and the thought we are blocking it only a illusion. Holding on to something which time has come to ‘die‘, still ‘dies’, only the rebirth of what come next has changed.

    So this morning I woke up ‘on the wrong side of the bed’ but seeing your post didn’t feel so quite alone.  My name is Peter and I’m addicted to Suicidal Ideation…


    To clarify what I think happens. Ego consciousness does not trust the flow that is Life and so fears that death is the end. Worse this ego self not only doesn’t trust the process that is Life this false self attempts to control Life, which it can’t, and so finding itself frustrated, digs in, and digging in wishes to die. The very thing its resisting.

    Essentially the ego self is saying NO to Life which is like spitting in the wind. If true the way out isn’t some imagined UP but though, getting to a place of trusting Life to be Life. A YES that I suspect leads to a further step of a ‘knowing‘ that Life as It Is, is Love.


    Hi Peter

    Thank you for your kind message. It’s always a pleasure hearing your thoughts. I’m glad that my post helped you to feel that you are not alone with these issues. Likewise, hearing your thoughts makes me not feel alone with these things.

    I have very similar experiences to you regarding these thoughts and I appreciate your insight. I would say that I have difficulty trusting the world. It’s unique because on the one hand I’ve had a lot of difficulties. On the other, I’ve been rather lucky. I think you hit the nail on the head about resisting circumstances.

    I’m generally strong willed and believe in my own ability to change things. I feel like I’ve had to fight for a lot in my life and surrendering or letting go can be challenging. To me, it feels like giving up.

    Your analogy, like spitting in the wind made me smile. It is so true!

    So far in a week, I’ve had two days without these thoughts and two days where the thoughts occurred specifically as I was writing down that I haven’t had these thoughts. So you’re definitely right about trying not to think about these thoughts can cause it.

    These thoughts don’t upset me persay. I can move on pretty quickly from them. I think it’s the idea of it happening that bothers me. Seeing it as something to solve. I figured out how to be happy and how to love myself. This is almost the last major thing other than continuing to work on anxiety.

    I’d love to hear more about your thoughts and experiences!


    Hi Helcat

    These thoughts don’t upset me persay. I can move on pretty quickly from them. I think it’s the idea of it happening that bothers me. Seeing it as something to solve.

    I think you hit the nail on the head. You do the work yet still the thoughts happen, a unwanted reminder of past work and or that more work is required. I find the experience more frustrating then upsetting, which of course only adds fuel to such thoughts. The mind is a amazing thing yet it seems it can’t help itself getting in its own way.



    Hi Peter

    Definitely! I hear you about the frustration. 😂

    I noticed some things about the days these thoughts do occur vs days they don’t. I’m definitely experiencing more stress on the days I have these thoughts. Days with less stress and more self-care are the days I don’t experience these thoughts.

    I’m learning a lot about regulating my nervous system at the moment. This is something that I struggle with. I hope it will help me manage stress a little better!


    Hi Helcat,

    I use writing and music therapy personally. I like to listen to “Smile” by Nat King Cole. It comforts me. I also recommend the following:

    Have self-compassion for feeling this way. It’s not your fault.

    Tell someone. Anyone.

    Ground yourself in your senses.

    Add some spiritual component (whatever  your faith is, it helps).

    Have a list of reasons to live ready to go whenever you feel this way.

    Talk to yourself like you would a best friend. What would you tell someone else going through it?

    Instead of giving up, surrender instead. So instead of wrestling with your thoughts and life, just surrender.

    Get out of your head. Do something that you like.

    Hope that helps!


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