Once more into the Fray

New Reply

This topic has 9 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)

Author

Posts
February 6, 2018 at 1:52 pm #191107

Mark
Participant

Corticality,

You wrote:

Her father is the one who makes all the decisions in her family and both my ex and her brother are working in his business…

[She] started questioning my choice of career…

She told me she doesn’t want to leave her family because she understands family as a larger concept. And that her feelings for me are gone.

“oh god, it’s you. I am not interested in what you want to say, leave me alone!”

So what is obvious is that…

1) she is not going to listen to you over her father/family

2) she wants no part of you anymore

You want to know how to calm yourself? Move on. Let go. Allow yourself to grieve the end of the relationship. There is nothing to “fight” for here.

Respect her decision. You can take your time with her as learning experiences to apply to the next relationship.

Mark

February 7, 2018 at 2:12 am #191157

Corticality
Participant

Hey, Mark,

thanks for your reply. One part of me understands that it’s over. Even the idea of letting her go makes me feel uncomfortable and raises self-guilt because I give up on someone who is dear to me and who felt the same about me. I miss her terribly and somehow believe that those memories from the first years of our relationship can be revived and re-lived again. I appreciate your rational advice and I am trying to detach myself from her.

Corticality

February 7, 2018 at 4:45 am #191177

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Corticality:

You read like a decent man to me. I am glad you posted here. It is my understanding that the two of you were incompatible in terms of values. She values an extended family and you value independence. She may have liked it if you moved into that apartment in or adjacent to her father’s house. Maybe she would have liked it if you joined her and her brother, the three of you working with her father, in her father’s business.

You on the other hand wanted to start a family with her in a different country, away from her family of origin. You value becoming a surgeon, something that is very difficult to do in the country you live in, in the country where her family of origin lives.

This is incompatibility of values. If you joined her family of origin, you would probably be unhappy, wouldn’t you?

In any case, she has let you know clearly that she has moved on. I do hope you recover from your strong emotional attachment to her. It is possible and has been done many, many times. There will be another woman, one compatible with your values.

anita

February 7, 2018 at 11:45 am #191305
CarpeDiem
Participant
Hi Corticality,

You and I are in the same boat. I didnt date my ex for 8 years like you did but I really really loved (or still love) her after we broke up. She just told me few days ago that she has no feelings for me. I got to know that he is coming back to the city where I live for a while and I texted her (we are in touch but only because she knows that I was going through depression and loneliness).

I think I am still depressed but to some lesser extent. I really don’t know what advice I can give you but what really helped me a bit is to be aware that it is over and it is probably a done deal. She will never come back. I cried a lot…a lot really which I feel helped at some level. I am focusing on other things like exercising, slowly trying to meet new people ( I used to love meeting new people), focusing to improve myself. Maybe you always wanted to reduce your coffee or quit smoking or take up a new hobby.
What Mark said is really correct. You can start writing a journal of what mistakes you did which you can try not to repeat again.

Keep writing every time you feel down…we are here for you
- This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by CarpeDiem.
February 8, 2018 at 3:13 am #191427

Corticality
Participant

Dear anita,

thank you for your reply. It is a conflict of values indeed. But the sense of guilt for not communicating about it enough is immense. I failed to make her feel happy and secure. It seems as I was striving to get something important to me (my specialty training) and abandoned her in the process. As I reflect what I did wrong in the relationship I start to think I was the toxic partner here. I held on to my view of things and failed to accept her opinion and her needs. And the worst thing is that I failed to express myself to her. We both avoided serious and not comfortable talks because of fear of breaking up or making each other feel bad. I can think of million opportunities when I could do something, say something to make her feel better, secure about us being together. And she tolerated me. Because she loved me. But when she got nothing in return, she went away. But now from our mutual friends I learn things that I didn’t know about. Sometimes it seems that they know more about the problems in our relationship than I do. And I want to apologize to her, to explain that I became too obsessed with my studies and career, that I finally see my drawbacks and want to try balancing things between us.

Once, a few years ago she told me she would rather do something else and not work in her father’s business. It was a decision that was made without her. Since then I had hope that she would dare to go abroad with me. Now I think that I failed to make her feel secure enough with me, to actually try and change something in her life. I can’t find solace.

Anyway, I will try moving forward. Thank you for your kind words.

Corticality

February 8, 2018 at 4:42 am #191435

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Corticality:

You are welcome. Regarding your guilt feelings: I don’t have much of the information that you have, of what you might have done wrong, but I do know a couple of things:

1. Plenty of people are tortured by feelings of guilt even though in reality they have done nothing wrong, this is true mostly for children feeling guilty regarding their parents, children who had absolutely no responsibility for what they feel guilt for, their parents’ misery, misfortune and such. These children grow up and continue to feel guilty for what they are not responsible for, lifetime.

And so, it is possible to feel guilty, even very guilty, without any basis to it in reality.

2. No person is perfect, of course, you have heard that. We do wrong, sure, every adult wrongs another sometimes, knowingly or unknowingly. I am not referring to abuse, but an example: as not paying attention to a person who is trying desperately at one moment or another, to get our attention. Same is true for her as well, your ex girlfriend. The two of you wronged each other. For what the relationship was, you carry (a mathematical simplicity here) 50% responsibility and she carries 50% responsibility.

Other thoughts: regarding her feeling of safety- I think her feeling of safety is with her family of origin. The fact that she thought about not working in her father’s business does not negate what is most likely true to her: safety is with her father, her brother, her family of origin.

I don’t think you could have competed with the feeling of safety they provided her since she was a young child.

anita

February 8, 2018 at 1:47 pm #191529

Corticality
Participant

Dear anita,

I understand. The problem is that feelings are not a derivative of rational thought:) Thank you for your explanation about guilt. It doesn’t change how I feel, but helps me understand how I should think. I’m somewhat glad that I wrote about my problem here. You, Mark, CarpeDiem said the obvious thing that I don’t want to believe in. I hope I will find a way to tame this thought one day. Thanks again.

Corticality

February 8, 2018 at 1:54 pm #191533

Corticality
Participant

Hey, CarpeDiem,

I can imagine your feelings. It’s hard to hear such words from someone who is dear to you. I don’t know if I’m able to give you any useful advice, since I’m still in “I should fight for her” stage. It’s this mindset that I can’t escape.

You mentioned you are feeling better now. Don’t stop with what you are doing. If it ever becomes boring in the gym – you should try bouldering/climbing. It’s more engaging, goal-oriented exercising. You also get a chance to meet new interesting people there. Climbers seem to be very friendly people. Thanks for your support. I hope you will find your way out of this emotional attachment one day. Take care.

Corticality

February 9, 2018 at 2:48 am #191571

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Corticality:

You are welcome. I agree with your distinction between feelings and rational thoughts. When feelings are attached to irrational thoughts, counter rational thoughts do not resolve or change the feelings. Except it is possible when engaging in a process of healing, and that is what Cognitive Therapy (as in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT) is about. Over time it is possible to develop different feelings for what is rational, or true to reality.

anita
Author

Posts