Dear Jana:

Thank you for creating this new thread and inviting us to join you on this beautiful journey toward self-compassion. Reprogramming deeply ingrained beliefs, especially those shaped by early years of criticism, requires immense mental and emotional effort. I admire you for your courage in facing this challenge.

I appreciate your intention to make this thread a shared space for all of us. I hope that people who find the words ‘self-compassion’ in your thread’s title through their search engines log into tiny buddha and join in the conversation. Self-compassion is indeed a collective journey, and sharing our experiences can inspire and support one another in putting compassion into practice internally (self-compassion) and externally (compassion toward others).

Self-compassion involves acknowledging and accepting one’s flaws and mistakes with kindness and understanding. People who are perfectionists fear that this approach will make them less disciplined and less likely to achieve their high standards of no-mistakes. They worry that if they are kind to themselves and accept their imperfections, they will lose the drive to strive for excellence and become lazy, that self-compassion will result in lower performance and failure. Perfectionists tend to believe that being hard on themselves is necessary to maintain their high levels of achievement and success.

Contrary to these fears, self-compassion actually promotes resilience. By being kind to ourselves, we can better cope with setbacks and bounce back more quickly. When we view our mistakes as opportunities for learning and improvement, rather than as failures, it leads to personal and professional growth.

Also, perfectionists are at risk of burnout due to their relentless pursuit of perfection. Self-compassion provides a healthy balance, preventing exhaustion and promoting long-term well-being.

Studies have shown that self-compassionate individuals are more motivated and committed to their goals. Treating ourselves with kindness creates a supportive inner environment that fosters sustained overall well-being.

In some ways, I have been a perfectionist, believing that no mistake was acceptable or excusable, and that making no mistakes was the only way I could be okay with myself. I wasn’t afraid that self-compassion would make me weak because I had no idea what self-compassion meant, and I already felt very weak. I wanted so much to be strong but felt that I didn’t deserve to be strong or anything else that was good until such time that I stopped making any mistakes forevermore.

Fast forward: what a relief 😃! I don’t have to be perfect, and I can’t be perfect no matter how hard I try and for how long! Even better: no one can be perfect.. and no one should try the unattainable (sigh of relief)!

I look forward to continuing this conversation and reading from others about their experiences with self-compassion. Thank you for starting this meaningful dialogue.

anita

* correction: I suppose setting rigid rules and signing them was about my desperate need to put order in the chaos within me…and the chaos persisted despite the structured approach

Dear Alessa:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. It’s wonderful to see how our shared experiences and values bring us closer, even as we celebrate our unique differences.

I’m glad you found healing in pursuing activities your families discouraged. Embracing who we are without judgment is powerful.

Your reflections on parenting are profound. Realizing that worthiness doesn’t require specific actions and embracing loveable qualities is freeing. It’s great to read how parenting has helped you grow in patience and emotional discipline.

Thank you for prompting us to reflect on self-compassion. Looking forward to continuing this conversation.

anita

Hi Jana and Anita

Thank you for your kind words Anita. 🙏

Jana, you did a good job with reframing the negative thoughts. 😊

I did quite a lot of introspection. Defining my values because a lot of negative thoughts were based on judgements that others might make. Societal expectations and whatnot. My personal values and beliefs are more gentle.

An exercise that Jana might want to try could be defining what the following things mean; weakness, strength, failure and success. See what you think? I did this type of thing when I was in a good mood, so I wouldn’t be harsh on myself.

My core belief was “I’m not good enough.” I kept lists of compliments from people and wrote down the ways in which I am good enough. It really did take time and consistency doing these things to modify my beliefs.

I also worked on planning my life, what I wanted to do with it. Skills to acquire. The kind of person I wanted to be. Goals.

Therapy certainly helped, but I did the bulk of my work on self-compassion outside of therapy. The goal of therapy is to teach you to be your own therapist, so it gave me the tools.

I did exposure therapy to help me to tolerate distress. I found distress tolerance useful for a bunch of different scenarios that helped with my self-compassion. Being a tutor, studying, working helped address my fears of failure.

The basics of exposure therapy are that the more something is avoided, the greater the fear of it. It confirms that you were correct to fear it. When exposing yourself to fear or distress. You’re aiming for a level you can tolerate for about an hour. Which is how long it takes for the body to start to calm down around these things. You note how you feel at the start and after the hour is over and compare the results. The goal is to start off easy and steadily work your way up as you become more confident. And it is okay to do things that make you feel more comfortable. I brought my dog or a friend.

I found external validation helpful personally, because it made me start to believe that if others liked me, then there might be something to it that I can’t deny. It doesn’t take you the whole way though.

I also had some therapy for intrusive (unwanted) thoughts. It was helpful for me to understand the basics for these things happening. The more distressing it seems, the more important it seems to your brain and it is more likely to reoccur. So ultimately, being calm about negative thoughts occurring reduces the chance of them reoccurring. For me they are also more likely to occur with the following factors. Sleep deprivation, pain and hunger. Ultimately, the trauma was the origin.

From my perspective you are managing your life perfectly well Jana. To have your own business is impressive. Having a loving partner, a lovely dog and good relationships with your parents is a beautiful thing. Financial difficulties everyone goes through at some point in life. These things come and go. I think that everyone has their own individual hardships. Yours are just different from theirs.

Hi Anita and Jana

I really appreciate the little community that is building up here. 🙏

Yes, at some point in their life, I believe so.

It is very damaging when external validation isn’t received growing up, especially when criticism is involved.

It is important to go with the flow and stay flexible for sure. What about plans and rules makes you feel nervous Jana?

Strength

Emotional resilience

Overcoming difficulties

Being honest with yourself and others

Physical strength

Looking for help

Admitting when you have made a mistake

Weakness

Lack of physical strength

Something that someone is not good at

Doing the easy thing not the right thing

Success

Developing new skills

Working hard

Having everything you need

Living a good life

Being happy

Love

Failure

Not passing a test

A part of the learning process

Giving up

Living a bad life