Hi Dave,
Great question and one I am struggling with myself at this moment. At the beginning of 2015, I ended a 4 year relationship which involved continuous and increasing levels of emotional abuse and displays of aggression. I am committed to a process of healing and growth- focusing on me and building self-love, self-esteem, and better personal boundaries. I decided to go complete no contact with my ex, following advice from friends/family, and my therapist. This has helped me a lot. However, I struggle with this question of having compassion for him (my-ex). In my case, I believe having compassion for him inside of me- my thoughts and feelings about him and why he treated me as he did- is enough. I don’t need to share that with him directly, as unfortunately, he has not changed and his path is not aligned to my path, and he will only hurt me further. I realise this situation is very particular and probably doesn’t answer your question, in cases where one must be in regular contact with the person who causes one hurt. But, in the spirit of this great forum, I wanted to share my experience and belief with respect to the “internal” process – holding that person in a place of compassion within your mind and heart. I also have a VERY troubled relationship with my mother who we (sibblings) believe is narcissistic. This case is much more complicated, as I cannot (and I guess do not want) avoid continuing contact, some form of relationship with her. I still struggle to feel compassion for her when she resorts to her pain-inducing behaviors, but I find the following helps: 1. Limit my contact with her; 2. Before I meet/speak with her, talk to myself and kindly remind myself I cannot (nor should I) try to change her (she is the way she is) and prepare myself mentally for our encounter so I can cope with whatever she throws/delves out; 3. During the encounter, I try and stay very aware of my feelings when with her (sensations I feel, my breathing etc) and separate myself from them (like an outside observer), and if I struggle to do this I simply remind myself again she has no control over her behaviour and I should not take it personally. 4. After the encounter- I do not allow myself to dwell on any negativity from the encounter OR release/replace it with positive feelings, by doing something I love doing (photo-walk, hill-walking, meet a good friend, or sibbling. I struggle with all of this still, but I find more and more I manage to retain a feeling of compassion for her, whilst maintaining my own personal boundaries. I think this is the important part to all of this. Having compassion does not mean you lay down your protective boundaries. It just means you no longer hold resentful or negative feelings towards the person, give them some of your time (if that is what YOU want to do), and realise you have control over how you allow or don’t allow their behaviour/words/actions to affect you. This is my belief and approach to your question and I have taken a VERY LONG time to get here but I feel free , empowered and happy.

Dear David:

What does Buddhism ask us regarding being compassionate to people who have hurt us?

The Dalai Lama, perhaps the… symbol of Buddhism in the Western World, has a lot to say about compassion and forgiveness. But you can google that. There are lots of people who identify themselves as Buddhists and they may have different takes on it. I do not identify myself as a Buddhist at all so I do not know if you are interested in my take on it.

I will share it with you anyway- I find this topic very interesting to me- and would love it if you/ the reader of this thread take the topic further and further.

My take: when you are IN the situation where someone is hurting you and you can not physically escape, it is helpful to feel compassion for the one who hurts you- and people do that all the time- because it reduces the anxiety, makes it more likely that the abuser will feel sorry for you and stop hurting you. It increases the chances of such happening (far from preventing it).

If you are OUT of the situation and the two of you, abused and abuser sat together and processed the PAST, the abuser showed true remorse and offered restitution that you accepted and depending on the nature and length of the abuse, and the sincerity and length of the restitution, if you are able to let go of the anger- yes, it is possible.

If you are OUT of the situation and the abuser did not show true remorse, did not even bring the topic, it was never processed, no restitution offered… if the abuse was substantial and long ter, repeatitive (not a one time thing)- then yes, I believe the abuser deserves compassion in most cases ONLY NOT BY THE ABUSED.

I too had a narcissitic mother, an abusive mother. I struggled with this topic for a long, long time. I ended contact with her completely in my early fifties… and still felt guilty. I finally figured it out: yes, she does deserve compassion because she did suffer so very much when she was a child and all her life, much of her suffering due to her unskilled ways of living- as in unskilled ways of dealing with me, her daughter- she does deserve compassion and I hope she gets it-

ONLY NOT MY OWN.

My job is to HEAL myself. I was stuck in my hurt and in my anger because I felt empathy for her. so much empathy that I placed her first and negated myself. Empathy for her was HARMFUL for me. So I don’t engage in it anymore, at least this is my intention. This way I can feel empathy for myself and for others. Let someone else do this job, not me.

anita

Yeah, I agree that we are put upon twice ~ once by being hurt, and twice by being expected to be the ones to forgive. How about this, world?: that s/he asks for our forgiveness and doesn’t hurt us in the first place??

“Does compassion/empathy for him can be expressed just by being polite, understanding his suffering but protecting myself from him by don’t letting him to get close to me (I must visit my grandmother daily)?”

In my case with my mother, that is exactly how I apply my “compassion”. I am polite and listen to her, but only in so much as I can maintain my own protective boundary. When I find this is being crossed by her, or I am no longer able to withstand her behavior or words, I simply speak with someone else if there is another person in the room or leave/end the conversation politely if we are alone. I don’t know your uncle so I am not sure whether this would work in your case. But, sometimes , as in my case (so far), it is possible to deal “compassionately”, with someone who causes you pain whilst protecting your boundaries. In other cases, however, it will not be (as is the case with my abusive ex). We all find our own way and no two ways are the same, nor one more right than the other.

The important thing to remember in all of this is that the fact you are searching for the answer to this important question, already shows you are indeed a “compassionate” person.