Dear Peter:

I am looking forward to reading and replying to you Sat morning 🌄

Anita

Dear Peter: I wanted to add that I remember that you shared that you stay away from the computer on weekends. Therefore, I do not expect you to read and reply to me this Sat or Sun. I hope that you are having a restful weekend!

anita

Dear Peter:

I’m sorry to read you’re not feeling well today. Take your time with your responses— no rush.

My relationship to the word Love has been one of suspicion and distrust. I have had great difficulty saying the word in the language I grew up with ever since I remember myself. So much so, that I hardly ever said it, and when I did, it felt acutely uncomfortable each and every time (with one exception, if I remember correctly, and that was that one time when I happened to ingest some heavy-duty narcotic many years ago).

Actually, I have the same difficulty saying it in English as well- to people from my country of origin.

I remember my mother expressing affection toward me at times. I remember in my 20s riding in a taxy with her on the way to the airport where I was to fly to the U.S. while she stayed behind. She took my hand in hers and caressed my hand. This was one of the most acutely uncomfortable experiences in my life, and very memorable. I was crawling out of my skin the whole time, trying to remove myself from her touch. I didn’t want to be rude, so I remained unmoved, but my insides were moving away from her big time.

I always wanted to be away from her, ever since I remember myself.

I associated Love (the word and the concept) with her, and so, Love and Hurt were one and the same, deeply intertwined and indistinguishable. Love was given this definition by the one abusing me: “To Love you is to Hurt You”. Later in my life, when as an adult, I truly loved a child I happened to spend a lot time with, I was afraid to hurt him. Love and Hurt deeply intertwined in my mind.

Love without hurt is like the bbbamm cake, a cake that doesn’t exist. Didn’t exist.

I became detached emotionally as a defense mechanism, creating distance between me and others so to protect myself against Hurt-Love. I approached people and relationships with caution, alert to real, and often only imagined signs of manipulation and dishonesty.

The other day, a person I know expressed appreciation and affection for me (not physically). It was precious on one hand, uniquely felt, but on the other hand, I anxiously wondered when that appreciation and affection will turn into condemnation and hate.

My relationship to the word Love was the same as my relationship to the word Hate: stay away from it! Don’t trust it and don’t give in to feeling it for another because it will harm them!

Take care and rest up, Peter. Looking forward to continuing our conversation when you’re feeling better.

anita

Dear Peter:

I hope that you feel better very soon! I will need a hopefully rested and refreshed Thurs morning brain to reply further, but for now, in regard to “the apparent contradiction of someone who is obviously a loving and compassionate person having such a troubled relationship to the word Love?”-

– Today, I am not the same person I was yesterday (yesterday being more than half a century in Temporal terms). It takes resisting the strong inclination to remain the same, and relaxing, opening to change. Not an easy task, or in Eternal terms, not a task at all.

Thank you for the sentiment! I’ll be back to you tomorrow and hope you rest and heal.

anita

Dear Peter:

“The contradiction of having a troubled relationship with the word Love seems to be a language issue of mixed messages where we mistake the map (the words) for the territory… even as we walk the territory having thrown the map away.”-

– The word “Love” in adult relationships, particularly romantic, carries mixed messages and too often is mistaken for something it is not. When one or both partners have significant unresolved issues from childhood, they try to resolve these issues in the context of the romantic relationship, for example: projecting an unloving parent into the romantic partner and trying to earn his/ her love.

In romantic love, several illusions and cognitive biases often come into play:

1. Idealization: People in love seeing their partners as perfect or overlooking their flaws, leading to unrealistic expectations and disappointment when reality doesn’t match the idealized image.

2. The Halo Effect: This cognitive bias causes people to assume that because someone is good in one area, they must be good in other areas as well, leading to an inaccurate perception of the partner.

3. Confirmation Bias: This is the tendency to notice the information that fits with our preconceptions, and ignoring what doesn’t fit, sometimes leading to dismissing or ignoring any red flags.

4. Inaccurate Projection: People projecting their own desires and qualities onto their partners, leading to an illusion of compatibility rather than seeing them as they truly are. This is sometimes referred to as “rose-colored glasses,” seeing the partner as who we wish him/ her to be, not as he or she truly is.

6. Recency Effect: The tendency to emphasize recent events and “forget” earlier ones, creating an illusion of improvement or change.

“If our actions good or bad have no accountability then they can’t matter and that can’t be Love. (Love defined in this way does not require one to maintain a relationship. The loving and compassionate action may require that a relationship end.)”-

– Accountability means being responsible for one’s actions and accepting the consequences, whether positive or negative. When actions lack accountability, they are performed without consideration of their consequences or impact on ourselves and on others. Such actions are often seen as careless, irresponsible, or self-serving.

When our actions are accountable, they (our actions) carry weight and significance, showing that we care about the effects of our behavior on another person.

Accountability allows individuals to recognize mistakes, apologize, and make amends. This process promotes personal growth and healing within the relationship, building trust ad respect, fostering a deeper connection and understanding between partners.

Without accountability, conflicts remain unresolved. Issues are swept under the rug, and the underlying problems persist, causing ongoing tension and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

Genuine love requires depth and honesty, which can only be achieved when both partners take responsibility for their actions and their impact. In essence, accountability transforms actions into meaningful expressions of love and commitment.

In situations where a relationship is unhealthy or unfulfilling, ending a relationship can be the most loving and compassionate choice, as the ending of it prioritizes the well-being of both individuals.

“Both Sides, Now” (I sang it to myself as I was reading the words) highlights the contrast between idealistic views and the realities of life and love.

“I really don’t know love at all”- I used to think that loving one person requires that I don’t love another person (or love another person less), as if love (the feeling + accountable actions) needs to be exclusive by definition, not only in romantic relationships, but in every other kind of interaction and relationship. I now think-feel-know that every person matters equally, and love transcends exclusivity: loving one person deeply does not diminish the love I can feel for others. Instead, the more people I love deeply, the greater the love each individual receives from me. A paradox perhaps? A move from the Temporal to the Eternal?

anita

Hi Peter

Your example makes sense to me. I think of these things in that way too.

It would be ideal in relationships for those things to occur all of the time, but sometimes they don’t.

An apt quote! I like it. 😊

Yes, unconditional allowing can be dangerous. I feel like that happens as a result of depression and lack of self-love, rather than unconditional love though.

I feel like change is an important factor in love. People change over time, circumstances change and relationships change as a result. Being flexible is necessary to adapt to the changes.

We want what we do and who we are to matter.

That is a nice way to put it. 😊

My thoughts are that kindness and understanding are important. Personally, I don’t care so much about accountability or responsibility anymore. All things just boil down to kindness for me.