I have come to a point where the only option l see is ending my life. The pain inside the heart and mind is unbearable. With each passing of the day, life has become more miserable. Morning is the worst time and the moment I wake up I am instantly grappled by feeling of despair, fear, helplessness, and void. This pain is intolerable, and I cannot take this pain anymore. It really hurts. I see no end to this pain, is exhausted and want an eternal sleep.

I am not fit for this world. Hatred, deception, and hypocrisy are the qualities to survive in this world and unfortunately, I do not have them. I never imagined surviving in this world would be this harsh. How can we say life is beautiful when all we see, and experience is cruelty and hatred. This place belongs to those who can crush, kill, and bury others while pretending to be civil. There is nothing pure, simple, and pristine. There is no room for soft-hearted, sensitive, shy, and simple people. Having these qualities is an open invitation for exploitation.

Here is my life experience and this is the first time I am opening up.

Was sexually abused when I was young. This event first sowed the seed of fear. The sense of fear nurtured when I saw my friends receiving harsh punishment like stripping naked in front of whole class and keeping the student in a cage. While I was not punished, I was scared to death by thinking of making mistake.

My father was concerned about my future and took all my decisions (till his death). He too had a troubled childhood and exhibited extreme emotions. Though I loved him, I had difficulty communicating with him up until I reached my college and feared that I would not be able to live to his expectation. Once I did not show him my exam results for three months (I was out of top 5) because of fear. I only told him about the result when I became sick. There were occasions when he expressed his deep love. Since his passing, I miss those experiences. I was not with him at the time of his death.  One day before his death he called me multiple times, but I was busy at work and was unable to take it and thought I would call him tomorrow. It never came and he passed next day. His death has tremendously impacted me, created a void, and I feel guilty about it.

As I grew up, I faced incidences of bullying. I was not able to confront them and let myself get abused. I was not able to stand for myself and would hear reaction from friends that I am a coward, and they would laugh. On one occasion, I was badly beaten by a classmate when I did not show exam answer. I was helpless and got into shock. I was afraid of having this conversation with my father and coming to school the next day. Another instance was a goon (who carried weapon) abusing a girl from my college. He abused her in front of me and others, and I just became a shameless observant. Few college friends including my then girlfriend continuously taunted me for my behavior. I was not able to face them. I still see it in my dreams, becoming helpless and have a guilt about it.

Now this college girlfriend who acted like a loving and caring person turned to be a chameleon. After five years of relationship, she asked me to end the relationship which I accepted. I later found out that she was having multiple romantic relationship. The she would want to continue relationship and then again break up. This mind games and emotional torture lasted for a year. Poor me would just do as she said as I loved her. This emotional saga left a deep scare, and I never could become the old me.

My only close friend was not with me when I was in college. A few friends who acted close turned out to be opportunistic. I would guide them in their studies, provide them emotional support whenever needed, listen to them, guide them in their careers and take all the benefits which I could provide. When I was in need they simply vanished. I would call them and visit their house, but none would bother to reach me. Whenever there was any gathering, they would courageously say ‘you never call us’. I never would challenge them thinking they would be hurt if I replied them back.

Professional life turned out to toxic and completely out of my expectation. I was a good at my studies and was taught and believed that if you do your work properly then success would follow you. Oh! how wrong I was. Work politics, jealousy, rude behavior, leg pulling, getting scolding by seniors even for simple mistakes were the norm. People taking credit for ideas which were not theirs. People with buttering skills getting promotion and recognition even without achieving the agreed target. People were more interested in gossip than doing work. The most surprising was manager reneging from their promises and not having the slightest guilt of it and then advocating us building trust with the stakeholders. Money was all that mattered. I became more scared of these peoples and the work environment.

Currently, I have limited my interaction with my friends. Most of them only talk when I call them but never bother to call me or visit me on their own. The only time they call is when they need money or need help. The same things keep repeating. There were few occasions when I behaved like my friends, but this gave me sleepless nights later. I would be cursing myself for my behavior.

I have stopped laughing. Whenever I was happy and laughed, it was followed by multiple painful events. I think I was never programmed to stay happy. I live in constant fear that something bad will happen. I ruminate through the past and feel guilty about my decisions. I have been caring for my child for the last 2 years. It is wonderful seeing the baby growing and learning things. My wife supports me on this. I get anxiety bouts thinking going back to work, meeting new people and socializing. This has started to take toll on my family life. My wife loves me profusely, understands my pain but I know this cannot continue for long. There is a limit for everything. She deserves better however me being around will only drag her with me. I think I would be doing good to her by removing myself from her life. The only thing that is holding me is my child and my mother. But I don’t know how long I will be able to hold myself. I see no end to the suffering and pain which I am sure will come in multiple packages. I see the life becoming even more toxic (people spitting venom in the social media) and tougher to survive and exist.

I wrote this last night and suddenly slept. This morning the moment I woke up I was disappointed that I was alive and thought ending my pain. Then I hear my child waking up and calling me. Oh! life…