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Hello,
I have been reading this blog for quite sometime. I always have found words of wisdom and support here. Now I feel the sense of urge to seek some advise. There’s a group of mean women, I have been dealing with for past few months. I’m an ambitious women and I always have a down to earth, easy going attitude. A lot of women in that group are older than me but still behave like teenagers. I cannot avoid them as we all come from the same community. It started when we all were unfamiliar with each other and began introducing ourselves. Few of them started scrutinizing about my career and ambitions. Then they started picking on me and playing mind games and talking about me behind my back. It’s evident that their jealous emotions and insecurities are ruling them. If they can’t say anything to me, they make sure that they pick on my child. They have done really cruel things just to make me feel small and belittle me. At times I just cannot avoid running into them at certain gatherings and group discussions. They misunderstand everything I say just like how some people find a problem in every solution. They are blind folded towards their mistakes and imperfections but are so judgemental. At certain occasions they have acted So insensitive and cruel against me in front of others. Despite of all this, I chose not to react or retaliate with them. They know it bothers me but I still stand up and show confidence in myself. I have always shown maturity and put myself in their shoes to understand them. I’m a woman who has always believed in bringing the best in other women. I’m a self confident person, I find happiness when others succeed. I have given them enough chances, put myself down to let them satisfy their ego. But why should I or my kid put up with this bad behavior. Why should I be their dumping ground. I have been tolerating this as I didn’t want to be a Rebel and become a drama queen. But now I think enough is enough. Please give me suggestions to confront them. This is really very energy draining. So far being a peacemaker has only brought heart ache and grief upon me. Please I’m counting on you folks to help me deal with these pests. Thank you.
Hi shouldibearebel,
It’s tough because there is a group of them.
What I would do is:
1. Get a group of your own. When you are in or at a gathering, make sure you are surrounded by YOUR people. Let them see you laughing in the middle of a group. Take some other moms out for coffee, one at a time. Invite your neighbors to go with you to these events. Soon you will know quite a few people in town. The mean girl attitude should die down a little if they see you are a town favorite. Once a month you should hang out with a new person. Throw a small party.
2. Since this happens in a group, another key is to isolate. If you see one of these women at the store ~ alone ~ confront her. This works even better if YOU have an audience. Be all, “There is no reason for you to be disrespectful to me.” She will be all humble, denying and apologetic.
3. Embarrass one of them when they say something. Especially if they are lower down on that social hierarchy. Again, best done in an audience of YOUR people. If they say a snarky comment say, “Are you OK?” They will stammer and get embarrassed.
4. This one is the hardest but can be the most effective. Start with the nicest (there has to be one) person in the group. Invite them over, meet up for coffee. Go on up in the group. Only hang out with these women individually. Yes, they will still bad mouth you. But when they do gossip it won’t be as bad and they will feel guilty about it.
Good Luck!
Inky
This exact thing has happened to me throughout my life. I am a quiet person whose kindness has routinely been mistaken for weakness.
Here is the answer. Get away from this group. Whatever it takes. Simply stop contact. Do not speak with them.
They are abusing you, and this 100% unacceptable. If you “turn the other cheek,” they will only smack it, too.
Even if you work with these people, take the necessary steps to go out of your way to avoid them. Remember that any bullying as a result of the break could not be any worse than the bullying you are already being subjected to. Actually, the bullying once you leave will not be as bad. This is because, as things are, you are expending energy by being positive to these people and giving them the best of what you have to offer, even as they give you the opposite in return. *THAT* is the part that threatens to break you if you stay in this abusive situation.
There is NO excuse for their behavior. It is NOT your problem. You do not have to be subjective to the vitriol of others who are unhappy with their lives so much that they are spewing toxins in the direction of innocent bystanders, and undermining the humanity of other people, simply because they have to be in close proximity to them while they earn money to feed their families.
I guarantee you that, if you have patience, you will soon hear another person complaining about their behavior. You are not their first victim, and you won’t be their last.
Just decide to be done with it – today. Do it for you. Do it for your child.
You don’t have to make a ruckus ~ do it quietly. Just quietly go – with no explanation – and no further contact. Simply decline all invitations and avoid all social interactions. Don’t spend anymore of your precious life’s energy on this timewasting situation.
Good luck. Keep coming back here as much as you need. There are plenty of people here to listen and help.
“Stop being invested in the the opinions of those who are invested in your failure.”
“A lie has speed. But truth has endurance.”
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 