Dear Caroline,

I am really glad you’re feeling better and it’s not that intense and unbearable for you.

I think my obsession was me feeling guilty and blaming myself for ruining the love of my life because of my fucked up personality and other issues.

Yeah, and it was actually her who was blaming you and making you believe that you are a f**d up personality and selfish. And since you had your own issues, you probably believed her and blamed yourself ever since?

She probably did not love her ex but she got a place and a job. I saw comment on her fb picture once, her ex commented: “you had longer hair and was fat when I took you in”. WHEN I TOOK YOU IN. It struck me at the time.

Oh wow, that tells a lot! It’s so rude and demeaning to tell the person such a thing publicly, but it also tells a lot about the nature of their relationship. Your ex was young and vulnerable (and alone, not having anywhere to go) at the time. And this woman, I assume older than her, took her in and was not only her lover, but also her provider. She provided her with material stuff but also with money for drugs, which means she wasn’t really a good influence… Anyway, your ex was dependent on her, but was also using her to ensure a comfortable life for herself.

I never saw her as someone who needs to be taken care of, sponsored.

Maybe because she appeared to be self-confident?

Maybe it was a dream come true for her to have someone who took her on vacations etc.

I am sure she had emotional wounds, because leaving home at 16 probably meant she wasn’t welcome at home, or there was trouble at home. This woman maybe meant “home” for her, in a way. At least she provided for her financially. Even if maybe not emotionally…

Even when she first told me she is falling in love with me she said that she…didn’t like this feeling. That we live in different cities etc. Overall it seemed like she..loved me but was also suffering because of this feeling.

Yeah, it seems she didn’t like falling for you, because she knew it meant leaving behind the comfortable lifestyle, financed by her ex. Even if she didn’t love her, she provided money for drugs, and I guess drugs was her greatest “love”, unfortunately. When someone is addicted, they turn very selfish. And that’s what you too experienced from her: selfishness. And anger. She was angry that things won’t be the same any more, that she might not have enough money for drugs, or even for a place to live.

I remember two days after this she wanted to come to my place but I was at the concert, I wasn’t in town. She sounded sad and hurt.. I couldn’t talk to her and later I was at the bus all night coming back. I just wasn’t available to talk to her and I was blaming myself that she needed me and I wasn’t there because of the stupid concert. Next day she stopped talking to me and chose to stay with her (called me selfish etc)

Right.. her primary concern was where to stay (understandably, considering her situation). And she immediately cut contact with you when you weren’t available that evening. But you didn’t even know she would be looking for you, right? She didn’t tell you something like “I don’t have anywhere to go, can I stay at your place for a couple of nights?”

I think couple time she wanted to stay at my place. Not just see me as in: she missed me or something but have somewhere to stay. Of course I wanted it too, so it was no problem, but there was no option of moving in as I was living with my parents. She could stay for the night, they did not really interfere with my life and it was ok, but I knew she cannot move in. I remember feeling guilty that I can’t help her.. that I am this spoiled kid living comfortable life at my parent’s place whereas she cannot go back to her family house for some reasons and has nowhere to go.(She visited her mother couple times but they were not in good terms). I think part of me still feels guilty I could not give her that. But I also think it was not my responsibility to provide this for her. Or was it.. ? a bit, at least.

No, it wasn’t your responsibility to give her a place in your parents’ home. If there had been communication and true love between you, you could have talked about the possibility to move in together, to rent a place together. But you said you hardly communicated. She cut contact after that one night that you went to a concert and didn’t return her calls. That was enough for her to cut contact and move in with her ex. And call you selfish. Which means that at that point she was interested in you primarily as her care-taker, as the next person to rescue her. That was her primary need, not the need for your love.

I think the greatest problem in the whole story is her drug use. It made her selfish and self-centered. As an addict, she couldn’t put you as a priority. I don’t know how severe her addiction was, but nevertheless, I think that was the biggest obstacle.

If she were sober, she would have probably treated you differently. And your relationship would have had a healthier start, as well as a chance to survive. But like this, not really…

So don’t blame yourself for “ruining the love of your life”, because you weren’t her No 1. It was drugs.

Dear Caroline,

Today I feel such a relief. Your posts gave me a lot of confidence. I think differently about myself, about her. I no longer feel like a victim.

I am so glad that you’re feeling better, that you’re seeing it more and more clearly and not blaming yourself anymore. Really happy for you!

I considered her out of my league back then. She was very pretty, had tattoos, piercings, looked..like a band singer or an actress. She seemed so cool to me. I was just a regular girl, maybe pretty but regular, basic. She was special. People looked at her when we were at the pub or in the cinema. She looked like someone famous. I think this is partly why I blamed myself for losing her. She seemed special. That’s why I couldn’t stop obsessing about her, I thought I lost someone very special contrary to other..”ordinary” people I knew/ dated.

Okay, so you felt ordinary and nothing special, and that’s why you were attracted to this “extraordinary” girl, who looked like a movie star or a singer. You felt she had something you didn’t possess (specialness, uniqueness), and that’s what drew you to her.

And I think you didn’t feel special because you were raised like that, your parents and you being put down by the other family members. And also your mother being ashamed of you, due to her own shame. So you felt like a nobody perhaps, whereas she looked special and “somebody”? And this was so magnetic for you…

Yes, She also told me how I was unfit..to life, to relationships. And that she knew I had some issues right from the start. She gave me very mixed signals, first and mostly that she was in love and I was beautiful, and I felt it.. but there was this other, dark side when she looked at me with regret. And sadness. That there is something wrong with me and it will not work. She saw me as someone she would have to take care of and that she could not “afford”…even though I did not take nor want her money, but I was still not capable enough for her..to take her in, to take care of her.

Yes, it seems she saw you unfit because indeed, you were not able to take her in and be her sponsor like her ex was. That’s why you were “unfit”, not because there was anything wrong with you. She was viewing you through that lens and you didn’t pass the “test.”

Her father left their family and her mother was busy with another child. There was no place for her in family home. She could only visit. And it was like that since she was 16. I don’t know where she lived when she was 16 but I assume she had to find someone who helped her and soon she met this ex girlfriend (and yes, she was older and she looked very independent and rich)

She clearly had a lot of trauma. It seems her own mother rejected her and thought of her as too much to “afford”. It kind of explains why she viewed everything through the money lens and how able someone was of taking care of her. Being rich and willing to take care of her was probably the sign of a “fit and desirable” partner in her own mind.

She looked so capable and independent. But she wasn’t in fact! She still lived with ex girlfriend and accepted her help. So she just looked independent to me because she had money and expensive stuff. I remember two times we slept in the hotel. We could meet at their place during the day when her ex wasn’t there but I couldn’t spend the night obviously (except for few times when this girl was out of town) and I payed for this hotel. I did not have that much money and was surprised she couldn’t pay even half. I think it was around this time that she knew why this is not going to work..

So she looked and behaved confidently, she wore provocative clothes and make-up, she had tatoos and piercings… Also, she was telling you how unfit you were, while probably sending a message that she is much better than you, more competent, more fit for life. She even laughed at you and ridiculed you for not wanting to try drugs. So she not only looked confident, but also behaved “confidently”, i.e. felt she was superior to you. And you believed her…

While in reality, she had no job, no place to live, and no money of her own… but still, she felt entitled to those things and blamed you for not being able to provide it to her. So there was a certain arrogance about her – she wasn’t willing to look at herself, but blamed others for her problems.

She had this male friend. He was older, had a car and money too. He drove her sometimes to meet me. He was into drugs too, maybe selling her this. Very mysterious guy. My friend once told me that maybe she was sleeping with him. He was for sure in love with her. I could not see it back then.

One time she told me she was selling it to someone. She wanted to make some money. She used to send me pictures when she dressed very provocative and went to a pub.

If she was heavily addicted (and she was, since you said she would use even twice during one night), everything is possible. It’s possible she even slept with people to get drugs. She was a slave to drugs, and this might mean anything, unfortunately.

I think she had a life of which I had no idea. I feel like kind of a loser right now..

Well, you wanted to believe in the fairy tale. You saw her as someone special, someone amazing and extraordinary – everything you thought you were not. That’s why you were blind to her dark side, to her drug problem and her behavior. Don’t blame yourself. We all have our blind spots. But it’s good you’re starting to see it now… and starting to free yourself from the “spell”…

We never talked about moving in together, it was always about her struggle with place but she never asked me directly. I never felt like she wanted to move in with me, lived with me because she loved me. I assume had I lived alone she would have wanted to move in with me. And I then could become…a convenient girlfriend. Someone easy to love, not “unfit”, not f**ed up personality.

Yes, she would have probably “loved” you if you could have provided for her…

I feel so bad thinking like this! Could she really be that..calculated?

Yes, because as I said, drugs ruled her life. And finding a sponsor was her way of getting what she needed: expensive drugs.

That’s exactly what happened. And I always thought how I messed up.. that this one night turned everything around. I could have been there for her, I could have picked up the phone because it was my moment, my chance to win her. And I blew it. It’s obviously so stupid, relationships don’t work that way.

Yes, you thought that one mistake of yours ruined your fairy tale. When in reality, the fairy tale never existed. And you’re right, relationship don’t work that way. We can repair things, we can apologize and repair the damage. But for her, that one missed phone call was enough. But the thing is that she’d probably decided before that you’re not good enough for her, because you didn’t meet her criteria. So you not picking up the phone was just the “last drop” for her. She’d already made up her mind…

And I thought me cheating was the reason we broke up. She texted me, one of the last times we spoke, that her friend told her I slept with some girl, the one I went to the movies once. But it’s all I did, I went to the movies. His friend didn’t even know me, I really didn’t understand. She texted me that she believes this friend, that I did in fact sleep with this girl. It was so..I just gave up at that point, I understood I cannot communicate with her, I cannot defend myself when some person who never saw me in person tell her lies. I did not stand a chance there. But I was heartbroken.

It’s good that you saw it’s futile to try to prove things to her. And that you cut things off. I think her accusing you of cheating with no evidence whatsoever was just an excuse to break up with you. Because she’d already decided she won’t be able to get from you what she needs.

But I was heartbroken. I cannot count how much time has passed until I stopped thinking. Or maybe I never did, I sometimes forgot and it came back again and again, and here I am now, after 8 years, obsessing about her.

I can imagine it was very painful. The person whom you thought was the love of your life didn’t even want to believe you for a second. She thought so poorly of you. And was blaming you.

I am glad you’re now realizing it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t because you cheated that you broke up, but because of her drug addiction (and her selfishness due to that addiction). You weren’t unfit for life and relationships, but she was. But you took the blame, you believed her when she said there was something wrong with you, because of your own low self-esteem. I am so glad you’re waking up to the truth now!

I am sorry if this is too much but I really needed this. It broke me. I needed to be free from this finally.

It’s not too much at all. I am glad to be here for you and help you find some relief…

Dear Caroline,

I have been silent for the past week because I had to take a break from thinking about this topic. I noticed I thought about it less and less each day.

great! Are you still managing not to think about it too much?

It could be partly my fault that I could not see that she was struggling and worrying about her finances. And her only choice at that time was to find someone who could help her. Working and renting a place was expensive, the standard of living she was used to. But still, it does not justify the fact that she wanted to use people for money.

Yeah, and this standard of living involved drugs, expensive vacations and suchlike. It’s not that she was starving from hunger and you didn’t offer her a meal… It was a completely different situation. So don’t blame yourself for not agreeing to be her sponsor…

I was able to take care of myself, although I had family issues of my own.. but I had the luxury of living with my family, so better start, compared to her. And she was the one ridiculing me for being unfit to life, to relationships.

Yes, you had a better start, and maybe she was jealous in a way. Maybe she was thinking “it’s easy for her.” But she was also resentful and angry that you don’t want to or can’t be her sponsor. And I think that’s why she was telling you those offensive things and putting you down. I think it was a revenge for not giving her what she wanted: money/the lifestyle she wanted.

Tee, it’s crazy how you see this… I can also see how she had already made up her mind. Day by day, I knew it and I felt it, when I saw her looking at me with this look… as if she knew this was going to end soon because of me not being able to pass her test.

Yeah, I could kind of imagine what she was feeling, because you said she told you she was falling in love with you, but also that she didn’t like that feeling. She was also telling you how lacking and inadequate you were. So she had been distancing herself from you emotionally for a while, I guess since she’d realized that you won’t/can’t be her sponsor, and that, to put it bluntly, she has no use of you.

I did cheat on her earlier and even confessed it to her, but she wasn’t accusing me of it. And then she made up this story I cheated with some other girl I went to the movies with. It was ridiculous. If she wanted to fight about it, why wouldn’t she be mad about the one I really did cheat with. Instead she was talking about this other girl, the cheating that did not happen. I think it could be because of drugs. Or just an excuse…

Yeah that’s interesting that she didn’t blame you for the actual cheating, but did for an invented one. But perhaps it’s not so surprising if for her, the most important feature in a partner wasn’t faithfulness but the ability to provide. I guess if you were rich and willing to be her sponsor, she wouldn’t have been so upset about your cheating (she too was cheating, most probably). But like this, the most important feature was missing, so she needed an excuse to break up.

She did think very poorly of me. I think this is important here. Fairy tale could not be possible in a relationship like this… She saw some good in me, beauty, physical beauty mostly, but she also saw a lot of bad in me. Too much bad. Things that weren’t even real.

Yes, that’s the key – she didn’t really appreciate you. In her eyes you were “inadequate”, because she was looking at you mostly through the money lens. Okay, she liked your looks. But other than that, it doesn’t seem she appreciated you very much. So if you ask me, her interest in you came mostly from a superficial place, it wasn’t true love…

I am glad too, thank you Tee for explaining it too me. You stopped this madness that was going on in my head.

You are very welcome, Caroline. I am happy I could help, and that you found some peace and closure…