Dear Caroline

I suggest you watch Eckart Tolle on youtube talking about the “pain body”. This may explain in part of what is happening to you.

Most people occasional reminisces about past relationship and what could or can be. Occasionally I bump into a ex and even though my heart flutters & I go all girlie, but after we have chatted for a while I realise that I do not really want to revisit that relationship ( the grass is always greener on the other side until you get to the other side!) Also how hurt do you think your current girlfriend would be if she found out  ( mental infidelity often comes before the physical action).

What ever you choose to do it may help for you to learn more about your internal life and how to become aware of  thought processes and emotions and how nurture yourself so that you can bring your best to any relationship that you are in.

Dear Caroline,

welcome back! 🙂

What you describe as love for this girl 7 years ago seems to me more like an idea of love, an excitement you felt, strong feelings you had… but all that happened in an undefined relationship, where you didn’t even know if you were dating or you were just hooking up. Am I assuming this right?

There was no communication (We did not really communicate and there were lots of misunderstandings), you didn’t talk about the status of your relationship and what you are to each other.

As a result, you “cheated” on her, not knowing you were cheating, assuming she was seeing other people. And then she got hurt, and that’s how you “broke up”.

You think what you felt for her was love (But what I thought then is that I loved her. And now after all these years I think I did love her, that this was love). Well, I believe that even if you loved her, this love wasn’t expressed as it should have been, because it was never communicated properly, and then you cheated on her.

So if it was love, it didn’t seem like love (at least on the outside), and it was mixed with other feelings as well. You did say you had your own issues and trauma, while she was into drugs. So I can imagine it was complicated and there were lots of difficult feelings…

This spring, happiness, love. I miss it and she was there.

It could be that you’re not happy in your current relationship, or with your life in general. And you miss excitement, and the feeling of “love is in the air”. And this makes you daydream about her?

So to me, it’s more like a symptom of something missing in your life and/or your relationship, rather than a sign that you should reach out to her.

What do you think?

Dear Caroline,

you’re very welcome!

She even told me she was in love with me, and I think I told her this too. But it was so weird, she had some issues with ex girlfriend who found out about me and our “relationship” was not longer a fairy tale, we hurt someone else and then we hurt each other.

I see… so it could be that when her ex found out about you (and perhaps was jealous?), you felt as if you two were hurting her (“we hurt someone else”). And you felt guilty and perhaps believed you don’t deserve the “fairy tale” (was not longer a fairy tale). And you then sabotaged it by cheating on her. Could this be what happened?

She once called me her girlfriend but I did not even react, I think I did not see this text and when I did it was couple days later..

So it seems you disregarded that she told you she was in love with you, and that she called you her girlfriend. And it could be because the guilt was bigger – the guilt that you were hurting someone, even if that someone was her ex (and therefore mostly irrelevant for your relationship).

I know you did not say it wasn’t love, but.. do you think it wasn’t?

Now that I understand it a bit better, I think you did love her, but it seems your guilt was bigger and you sort of sabotaged it.

I think this all comes back to me because it was not processed at the time. I drank and did not want to face those feelings, and now they came back.

You’re right, I think the time has come to process it now… process what happened back then, but have compassion for yourself. Don’t blame yourself. As you said, you had a lot of issues and trauma, so have compassion for the confused and wounded self that you were back then. You can even write an apology letter to her, and then burn it, i.e. never send it. That could be a good closure…

It is true that something is lacking in my life right now, I am calm and things are in order but there is no romance, spontaneous meetings, happiness. It’s more like adult life. Routine. Is it bad?

Yeah, routine without any excitement is pretty bad. Try to spice things up. Perhaps once you process the feelings regarding this ex girlfriend, things might start moving within you, and perhaps some of your joy and excitement for life will come back…

Dear Caroline,

Yes. I wouldn’t explain it better! I did not understand my feelings then. I am having a hard time understanding it now. But this conversation really helped me to clear some things up.

I am glad this is helping you! Yes, the way you described it it does seem like you were hurt, and the fact that you admitted you hooked up with someone else twice was your way of revenge, to express your anger and hurt.

Instead of saying how I was feeling I wanted to hurt her

I think you’re seeing it pretty clearly now…

She was living with her again but she told me they don’t have sex or anything. And they did not have in months. I believed her but.. I cannot imagine this to be true, honestly. I don’t want to accuse her though..but if that girl loved her and tried to hurt herself, wouldn’t she ever try to kiss her?

It’s possible they didn’t have sex, but only lived together out of necessity. Because she lost her job and didn’t have anywhere to go. And then her ex tried to hurt herself, so she kind of got stuck with her for a while. But she could have told you that, explained things to you, rather than cut you off. You didn’t know what was going on, and so you concluded she didn’t care about you. She too was jealous, insecure about your love, playing games (posting pix with her ex), so it wasn’t a mature behavior at all. And you said she was into drugs too, so it was really messy…

I want to talk to her, feel what I felt at that time when I was with her.. because that was the only and the last time I felt so strongly in love. (Even though I fell in love with a guy later but it wasn’t the same)

I don’t think I would like to get back with her, to be in relationship. I don’t want to ruin the life that I have and I don’t think she is stable.

I want to have sex though, I have been fantasizing about this a lot and I think it would be more than just one time.

Okay, so you’d like to feel passion and excitement – something you don’t feel in your current relationship?

Is there a way to renew passion in your current relationship? You say your relationship turned into routine (there is no romance, spontaneous meetings, happiness. It’s more like adult life. Routine). Is it because your girlfriend is not interested in romance and would maybe find it silly?

I am putting the stress on your current relationship, because it seems there is something missing there, and you daydreaming about you ex is just a symptom. You said you never fell strongly in love with your current girlfriend… so maybe that’s something to look at?