Dear Alexandria:

My guess is that he is angry with himself for allowing something hurtful to keep happening, maybe something in his childhood. Many children believe that they have power to stop or prevent what they can’t stop or prevent. He was probably projecting his anger at himself when he made that comment.

What people say, more often than not, is about their experience, not yours. Often it sounds like judging you when it is him projecting judgment regarding himself. Maybe  someone told him he liked something he didn’t and therefore let it go on. He passed on that statement to you, is what I am thinking.

If you attempt to find out such a thing, be cautious and very, very gentle going about it.

anita

Dear Alexandria:

When he told you what he told you, did you explain to him that it was not so, that you didn’t like it (whatever that “it”  is) and that you didn’t allow it to go on? If not, explain it to him in an informative, matter of fact way. Explain to him in a clear, simple way, best you can. Then listen to his response.

If he understands you, it may help him understand himself and that will make future communication possible. If on the other hand you respond angrily, it will make future communication way less likely.

So I wouldn’t ask him at this point about his experience that he is projecting into you but explain my own in a calm way. Hear his response (and share here  if you’d like), and give it some time. This kind of sensitive communication takes time and trust.

anita

Dear Alexandria:

I re-read your previous threads from 2017, and it may help to quote what you wrote there as a reminder of what you learned from your previous relationship, so to apply it to your current relationship (I will get to the topic of this thread later in this post):

“The reason for the break up was because he just didn’t feel ready for the commitment I wanted, even though we had been dating for more than a year and a half. He also couldn’t keep a job and knew that I absolutely value jobs/money/progress and what not and I expect to be taken on dates, traveling and camping and all that other stuff…  my next relationship I want to find a man that I don’t want to ‘fix’ or ‘change’… he would say he would call and didn’t, he would make plans and bail, tell me he would apply for jobs and didn’t, it just never happened and if he did it was for a few weeks and then he would just go right back to staying home all day… I just didn’t like his friends.. couldn’t really respect them… I’ve always been a goal setter and it was easy for me to stick to them… I’m still young and it’s not too late to kind of rewrite my destiny and do what I want to do”.

You wrote on this thread that last Friday you and your current boyfriend “fought because he’s been really stressed because of finances”. You also wrote that he has been talking about marriage and a future with you.

My input/ suggestions so far: see to it that this man is a goal setter like you, productive, has friends that you respect, keeps his word and aims at a life that you are aiming at. Pay attention to the possibility (?) that you might be putting too much pressure on him to be financially secure, to be so productive that he may not have time for down time, to just relax.  I have no idea if this is the case, therefore I am suggesting that if you contribute to him “been really stressed because of finances”, that kind of pressure will hurt him and you. Neither you nor him can be perfectly productive, so be gentle and patient with yourself and with him.

Now, regarding the topic of this thread: Friday he was “really stressed”, Saturday the two of you were drinking at a costume party and you told him about your “past trauma” that night. His response was: “He asked me if I liked it because I let it go on for so long”.

It just occurred to me that to evaluate his response quoted above, I need to know if the trauma you shared with him Saturday night was about an adult sexually abusing you over the years when you were a child, or was it an older child who abused you?

anita

Dear Alexandria:

You are welcome. It is a good thing you offer ways for the two of you to spend quality time that doesn’t cost any or much money. Whatever pressure you do put on him, do evaluate it. A win-win relationship is the way to go, operating within the relationship so to  help each other. Placing pressure, force is often not effective. Gentleness and patience are way more likely to get you what you want long term.

If you want to analyze his response to you Saturday, if you do, tell me what it is that you shared with him that day. I understand his response was just that one sentence that you quoted. Post when you have the time, after work perhaps.

anita

Dear Alexandria:

I am not clear about what you shared with him. The reason I asked for detail is because if you told him that an adult family members abused you sexually when you were a child, and his response was to ask you if you liked it, if that was the reason you let it go on for so long, that would be very troubling to me.

Was the abuser an adult or a person significantly older than you?

anita

Dear Alexandria:

Well, his apology to you reads sincere, and the two of you are compatible in many ways. As I read your prior threads, you do read like  a reasonable, sensible person who knows what she wants. Taking into consideration that no  one is perfect and we all say what we shouldn’t say at times, I hope that the two of you will allow imperfections in yourselves and in each other as you learn from experience and improve.

Help each other be better people individually and together.

anita