Hi Anita and Mark,

Anita, I think that’s the best way to go about it. I’m obviously prepared if she asks me straight if I want more, but I don’t think she will. Just focusing on having a good time and gauging how she is with me. Equally I think you’re also right Mark. I am at risk of being seen as her emotional blanket, through difficult times, without the relationship. With that being said I think she still fosters some feelings for me, however I’m not sure if it’s mixed with a healthy dose of guilt about her part in the relationship failing.

Depending on if we meet, and how the evening goes, I’ve been thinking a lot about putting my cards on the table a few days after. In essence, ring her up when she’s free to have a private talk and say how I’m feeling and what I’m looking for.  Making it clear my feelings for her run deep and acknowledging that maybe the time isn’t right for a relationship for us, but give us the option to do things if we both have time or want to.

If she doesn’t feel the same way, it’s going to hurt but it’s better than being in this emotional purgatory indefinitely.

Hi guys, I hope 2019 is treating you all well and Christmas wasn’t too damaging to the waistlines, I know mine was!

Sorry for not updating but things haven’t really progressed all that much on my end, although there have been some developments for her. So 2 weeks after the meeting I asked to set a date to meet because with Christmas and new year, it was going to be hard to do something spontaneously. To which she said with her exams and work related Christmas parties, it was looking like after Christmas than before. Something I  appreciated. We continued to talk and made sure to send her a good luck message in the morning before her exam, to which she rang me up as soon as she’d finished to let me know she’d passed.

Things continued on as usual, I sent her a Christmas card and my mum sent her a message on Christmas eve wishing her and her family a great Christmas (she asked to see my mum last time we met, maybe to gauge her attitude to her, so I thought it was good to show there wasn’t any bad blood) and she replied in kind. Then on Christmas, after I sent her a Christmas message, she replied that hers had started terribly. I of course asked why, and she copied a long message she had obviously written to someone or multiple people. Basically saying her sister had been kicked out of the house after having a massive ‘fight’ with her mum on Christmas eve. I then asked if she wanted me to ring, and she then rang me up.

The conversation basically outlined that her mum had been making them do all the work for Christmas, and that her mum felt they weren’t acting like a family. She gave an example and said after her exam she went out to celebrate with a guy from work, and her mum thought she should have celebrated with her family.  She then quickly clarified with me that she ‘thinks he’s gay’ and that he’s been dropping her off at her house… I didn’t dwell on it at the time because I wanted to be there for her. I don’t know what to make of that, but it does sound quite friendly.

I continued to support her and ask her how things were for the next few weeks. She thanked me for my continued support and we kept chatting. So this week I rang her up, because I wanted to see how she was (she’d been very ill for the past week and has been on antibiotics) and although she didn’t pick up she did ring me back about 45 minutes later. She sounded quite unwell but we talked about new year, how things were and she gave me some advice on the military and my application. Towards the end I said ‘I know you’re busy with exams, but even if you’re only free in the week, it would be great to see you again.’. To which she replied ‘yeah I’ll let you know when I’m free’.

Honestly I’m feeling a little frustrated, because I still haven’t been able to wrestle back some control over our relationship, and the next possible time I’m in the area is when I have my next scan. Which is 5 weeks away. I’m not sure what to do, on the one hand I could just call her up and have the conversation with her. However I personally feel its something you should do face-to-face. With that being said I could wait another 5 weeks and she could blow me off at the last minute…. and if I’m being truthful 5 more weeks isn’t a short amount of time. Yes she’s got exams, yes she’s got responsibilities and needs time to do things for her but I don’t think I’m as important to her as she is to me and maybe it’s time for me to be a little more selfish….

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for that, I hadn’t thought of it in that way. I got too fixated on this new guy.

You’re absolutely right, she has. When we spoke on Christmas she said she was planning to move out, however there are issues. One her mother doesn’t work, two her 10 year old brother would be without a functioning parent figure in their life and three she still has to pay her mothers bills (with the constant and very real threat of her being put into more financial difficulty thanks to her mum). She’s on good money but it’s spent as soon as she has it….

This week I asked her how things were and it seems everything has been brushed under the carpet. Her sister was allowed back into the house but no conversation about what happened has been had. I didn’t press too much, as I felt she didn’t want to talk about it, but I said I think her mum clearly isn’t coping and needs to speak to someone. There’s cultural barriers as they’re African, so maybe it’s more complicated in terms of how these sorts of things get sorted. As you can imagine it’s put me in an emotionally difficult spot. I want to help and support her in whatever way I can, but I know there’s not a lot I can do as an outsider and ‘friend’. I stupidly bought her and her brother Christmas presents, I’ve since returned them because too much time has now passed since Christmas and I thought it was too much on in hindsight.

So as of now you think I should leave her be, continue to support her in whatever way she wants and catch up in person whenever we can? I feel that is all I can do.  When we meet again I need to make a point about how I’m feeling, and know what’s going on in her head in respect to me. In the meantime I’ll continue to get on with things and see what happens next.