Good evening James,

I often hear people saying that if a relationship is such hard work then it’s not meant to be.

I have no knowledge of relationships, but this is what family have told me; a relationship is like a team, it should be work, work that you enjoy, a collaborative effort where the members are aware of each others strengths and weakness. But it should not be ‘hard work’.

You mention a couple of times about your gut feeling and how your unsure of your current partners interests and motivations. The problem with going against your gut, is that it tends to linger and cause issues later down the track. Irrespective of whether the decision is the ‘right’ one or the ‘right one right now’, you can never falter yourself for following your instincts. As a result, because you are struggling with this issue, this is causing the anxiety, the ‘what if’ question; will it get better? No one knows if things will get better, of course there is always hope, and hope is not a problem, it’s crazy, unfounded hope that’s the problem. I think this is what your experiencing. Aragon had faith and hope that Frodo would cast the ring into Mordor, but that was because he believed, trusted and respected him. You currently have no basis or evidence to support the claim, in the future she ‘might’ be an amazing partner:

At the moment when i’m not with her I worry that she will entertain guys flirting with her, even if she won’t cheat again.

Trust and respect. With trust comes judgement, we judge people all the time, and until we feel they are worthy, it is only then we give them our respect. Ask yourself, right now, do you trust your partner? Do you respect your partner? From the way your writing, it seems you don’t even trust her right now.

She has a lot to give and once she gets over her issues I think she will be an amazing partner. The problem is right now I am not emotionally fulfilled.

This says everything to me. Once again, i have no relationship to speak off, however i see romantic love and friendship only slightly different from one another. You say “I think she will be an amazing….” and yet at the same time say “…not emotional fulfilled”. Please don’t feel i’m having a go at you. I’m just trying to get to the root cause here. If i wanted to talk my friend up in front of people, i wouldn’t be saying ‘i think she is awesome”, no ‘she is awesome, she inspires me everyday’. Because i believe in her. Otherwise, why would i even be standing in front of a bunch of people. As long as there is air in my lungs, i would defend my friends. Would you defend her? i don’t mean in a fight or anything…i mean in front of others, if someone had a go at your partner in front of you, what would you say?)

history of codependent relationships. I can’t hold a job and tend to ‘latch’ on to partners.

To me, this is your root cause of all your issues. It is one thing to be dependent on others, it is another to be so dependent that you lose sight of who you are and what you want to do. Your partner has talked you into not breaking up once, your unwillingness to be alone is causing you to be anxious, since your gut is telling you to do the opposite. And because, i believe you fear being lonely, your choosing to stay with your partner for now. IMO Being alone is completely different to being lonely. But even then, we are never truly alone, there are people everywhere, so by definition you cannot ever be alone, even on the walking dead, you would still be surrounded by zombies. And loneliness, well this is simply a matter of perspective.

Personally, the decision is in your hands, never forget that, you have the power to make a choice. I would suggest taking time to be away from your partner for a little bit of time, maybe a couple of days. Without influence or malice reflect on who you are now, Figure out whether you want happiness and the joy of another in your life or just to be happy with yourself. Sometimes we forget that we too can validate our own happiness. Finally, figure out if your willing to hope that things will get better.

I hope this helps, once again, i have no experience in being in a relationship, so this might all we worthless advice. But i believe that looking in from the outside is no different to being inside, it’s all a matter of perception and perspective.

Good Luck, Matty
And remember this thread can continue forever, so if you feel like talking, keep posting 🙂

Hi James,

It sounds like she is in college or just out of college. I say give her her freedom! She likes to be free, give her all the freedom she wants! That type of behavior and personality type are not compatible with a relationship. I know you have your own issues, but add that to her issues ~ that is a bad mix. Cast her loose.

Best,

Inky

Dear James:

I was not surprised that you feel emotionally unfulfilled in the context of the relationship you are in because your first lines, about your life outside and before this young relationship indicated that that you are not emotionally fulfilled and healing needs to be done.

Regarding this relationship, the fact that she has healing that needs to be done as well, the serious “daddy issues” you mentioned indicates to me that you and her can help each other in the context of a relationship between the two of you. If the two of you are Empathetic, Assertive and Respectful (EAR) with each other, then you can help each other: you dealing with your fears and hurts, and she dealing with her own, as you communicate about those things with each other, with that EAR.

anita