I’m pretty sure that under the law you can divorce a man you don’t want to be married to. You don’t have to earn that. Not anymore.
But that aside.

Matt, your wife is acting like a jerk. “It’s just talk”? No, that makes no sense. She wants out of her marriage. That’s what she’s telling this guy, that’s what she’s telling herself, she just can’t bear to tell you. Yet.

Sorry to give you bad news, but from what you’ve said, I just can’t imagine this marriage working out. At all. Never mind if poly marriages are taboo – it’s not what you want. And poly relationships work only if all members can count on each other to be truthful and each of the members are devoted to making it work. This is not going to work. If she doesn’t have a change of heart dead quick and starts working on gaining your trust back, I don’t think there’s any way out of this but filing for divorce.

There’s worse things than growing up in a single-parent marriage. And maybe you can find someone new in time to be a mother to your kids.

This is tough, man. I hope you have people you can talk to while you go through this. Know that things won’t always hurt this bad. Keep moving. All my best wishes.

I am so truly sorry to hear this, Matt. It is certainly devastating to, after 15 years, discover your wife’s skeletons in the closet. And even more so, her not being honest and open about it. What’s a marriage if you can’t trust your significant other? What’s a marriage if there is no honest communication between the two? Your wife has made it clear that she wants to test the waters of a polygamous relationship, but how were you to know? When you wed a woman or man, you usually don’t have intentions of finding another partner to share your marriage with. It is typically kept monogamous, unless of course the both of you discuss that you wish to live a polygamous lifestyle. But even then that is something that is decided WAY before you tie the knot.

I know you shared your life with this woman for a long time, but my personal opinion and something I think would be best for you is to file divorce. She is not taking into consideration how you feel on the matter. She doesn’t seem to show remorse that she’s willing to put another man into the picture, even if you feel uncomfortable with it. Not only would this affect you in many negative ways, this would also have a tremendous affect on your children. They would have to become accustomed to two men in the household now. The fact that she put you in such a bad light and made you seem like an “abusive, hateful, mean husband” shows more of her character, than anything. A wife/husband should never slander their spouse. I would take that into consideration while trying to find a solution to this problem.

You are entitled to have a say in this, and to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. You are a part of this marriage just as much as she is and you also have the choice to end it or not. You’re human with raw emotions, and you deserve to be loved fairly. I have old-fashioned beliefs and truly do not find polygamous relationships worth-while, but I don’t judge those who live that way. You seem like a man who feels the same way I do, so if your wife can’t give you a monogamous relationship (like you expected right from the beginning), find the strength and courage to find someone else who will (after much needed time of healing and reflection, of course).

At the end of the day, you are in control of your life and happiness. I’m not saying you absolutely have to leave your wife, because if you feel you can find ways to compromise with her and fix this situation, by all means do it! But I want you to be fully aware that your happiness is a priority and should never be taken advantage of by someone else. You will get through this no matter what. And it helps when you have children you love deeply; they get you through the day. Just breathe and remember there are options..this could be the end of something but the beginning of something more beautiful. It all depends on how you look at it.

Much love!

Hi Matt,

I went through a surprising and painful end to my long marriage, so I feel for what you are going through. It can be very difficult, so I am going to give you some guidelines. Communication with your wife is key. Show her you love her, don’t just tell her.

– Tell yourself the truth which is that you are worthwhile as Matt no matter what is happening in the world around you.

– Acknowledge that life includes pain and tough times – this is a major one for you. You are not alone, trouble happens to good people like you and your wife every day.

– Talk in detail with a counselor and one or two close friends. It’s better than talking about this with many people in your life.

– Pay close attention to your wife, but dial it back if you are being clingy.

– Keep up your self care – eating, sleeping, exercising….

– Keep your kids out of this if you can, even though they know some things already.

– No one will be better off with you dead, so if this comes as more than a passing thought, call your counselor.

Others here can weigh in on these and other ideas from experience.

Hang in there!

Big blue

• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Big blue.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Big blue.