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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • #441146
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kinga:

    Thank you for sharing your story and conundrum with us. Your self-awareness and commitment to healing are truly commendable. It’s clear that you have put a lot of thought into understanding your patterns and working on yourself, which is an important step towards finding the right relationship.

    It’s understandable that you feel torn between accepting some areas of incompatibility with the wonderful men in your life and holding out for a relationship that offers complete intellectual, emotional, and physical compatibility. This is a common dilemma for many people who are on a journey of self-discovery and growth.

    One thing to consider is that no relationship is perfect, and there will always be some areas where partners might not align perfectly. However, it’s important to determine what aspects are non-negotiable for you and what areas you might be willing to compromise on without sacrificing your core values and needs.

    Your ongoing healing and self-improvement journey through therapy, meditation, journaling, and reading are incredibly valuable. As you continue to grow and gain clarity, you might find that your perspective on relationships evolves as well.

    You wrote: “Instead of acting like a mature, intelligent, strong self, I began to feel anxious, act insecure and overly nice, over-communicating, and completely lost perspective”-

    – your description reflects a shift from your mature, intelligent, and strong self to a state dominated by anxiety, insecurity, and over-compensation, a change in behavir that can hinder authentic connections. Being overly nice often means going out of one’s way to please others, trying too hard to be agreeable and accommodating, which can come off as inauthentic or desperate. Over-communicating involves excessive messaging, calling, or sharing more than is necessary, driven by a need for reassurance or fear of losing the other person’s interest.

    Losing perspective means failing to see the bigger picture, getting caught up in emotions and losing sight of rational thinking, which can lead to actions that are out of character and decisions that don’t align with her values and goals.

    Possible Reasons for this experience: Fear of Rejection, of being Hurt or Judged, Low Self-Esteem, Perfectionism (believing one needs to be perfect to be loved).

    If you would like to share more about this, you are welcome to do so, and I will reply further.

    Warm regards, anita

    #441149
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Kinga

    I am sorry that you have not found your ‘complete package’. In your mind what is the difference between pausing & giving up completely on having a fulfilling relationship? Do you feel that your biological clock is ticking?
    Maybe 2025 should be dedicated to your personal healing & growth and take the pressure off on searching for a relationship.
    It is possible to feel happy, content, vibrant & whole without a significant other in our lives.
    Happy New Year

    #441155
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Kinga

    I’m curious about how you can see that an individual is attractive and not be physically attracted to him?

    I can understand the dilemma of wanting a partner that you are attracted to, is kind and also an intellectual equal.

    The difficulty being that intellectual men are often not kind. This has been my experience at least. It seems to me that many tend to intellectualise their own emotions, as well as the emotions of others.

    It is tricky to find someone who meets all criteria and no doubt there will be some other problematic issues that arise if and when you do meet someone who fits that for you. It will take patience.

    One thing that I think is important in a relationship is, is the person willing to work on issues when you raise them?

    It’s probably important to know that men are generally slower in catching feelings. This might explain why some are scared away when you start developing feelings. In dating, people often go intense at the start then cool off after they get into their regular routine too.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #441158
    Jana 🪷
    Participant

    Hello kinga,

    First of all – welcome! 🙂

    Relationships are difficult. I hardly ever try to give advice on romantic relationships because we all have really very different experiences, expectations, needs, prejudices, …

    I personally don’t give such an emphasis on physical “chemistry” which makes people act silly and then it just goes away as if nothing happened. Sexual hormones just make troubles!

    This chemistry is not permanent. It will disappear and when you are not emotionally and spiritually connected, there’s suddenly nothing to hold on. But when you are emotionally and spiritualy connected, you can build a very nice, tender and stable sexual connection over the time together. And it feels completely different and deeper than some physical attraction which just gets people together and then fades…

    It depends on your values. This might sound harsh and it is not really my intention to be harsh or impolite, but I believe this: If our values are low, our relationships will be low. And it is of course possible to work on our values.

    Have you thought about your expectations? Aren’t they too high/low or negatively influenced by your early marriage? Do you think you might be influenced by the conservative area where you live?

    Helcat, I think it is a common thing. My boyfriend’s colleagues might be attractive men, but it doesn’t mean that I feel physically attracted to them. There are many attractive – handsome, pretty – people but we don’t feel that physical spark with them.

    Hope you are having a great New Year’s Eve. 🙂

    ☀️ 🪷

    #441194
    anita
    Participant

    Kinga, how are you in this very beginning of 2025, soon enough to be right, I hope.

    anita

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