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hi Vhanon,
Best thing abt my love was i always accepted for what i was, i felt respect and diginity, Problem we faced was our social religious difference which mattered a lot to his family, he couldnt convience and his resposbility of getting elder sibiling settled down in life became his top priority, at this point of time we mutually agreed to move on… he saw no future of our relation, as he was not sure when his sister will get settled. he was 7 years elder to me …he was on right age to get married so was i, i was 26 by then…. best thing i liked abt him was i was pampered , i was special, i was beautiful in his eyes……… I never reposnded to any advances from anyone other than him…many approached me but i was only happy and receprocated to my first love…. all of sudden this changed after we broke… . my beauty started fading, i always looked dull, tired, not younger anymore.. no one complemented me anymore…….. This point of time i wanted my love back and soon started looking out for some one to bridge this gap , went ahead with marriage proposals in my community…. i met my present husband we spoke for an hour.. we is more qualified then me, he and his family was well settled…. i thought he meets my expectations as he seems to be ethical, genuine person so i said yes. later when we met i ignored his wired behavior, he would get angry for small things …. which did not raise my flags as i was in hurry to get settled. finally we got married…..
day to day things changed between us,, he is been demanding, he wants exceptional performance in everything…. so does his parents….. lot of interference from his parents ……… right from what to eat, to how to get settled……. i was always confornted for not meeting demands………I was terned not good cook, time incensitive, lazy.. careless…….irresponsible….i started chanllenging myself to be best to get all of these and be loved by the family….started working hard……meeting most of these yet i was not accepted. i was different entity while his family and himself formed a different entity. his priorities of having best in life continued….. he works very hard to get them……… slowly i started revolting back and wanted to yell and say to everybody that i was capable… this turned to be fight always….. he stops speaking to me when we fight, he does not communicate his agreement to any of my decisions or discussions….. my reptitive actions have become nagging…… while all this was going on at my will I gave birth to my son….all this become more after my sons birth……. I took my career more seriously this point of time to keep up with my finacial independence…. he depends on me to meet our financial goals for future, we have been quite successful…… i have good job then his …..we keep being pratical for buiding our future and i lack the love and care….
My ex is still good friend of mine…. met him couple of times and felt the warmth again… we both are clear that we have moved so far that we cannot meet again… he is getting married in next 3 months….. this is hurting me still…….I feel i am in wrong place…..this stress to keep up with present family is growing….
I want to tell them i am capable …… i am respectable………..i having feelings.
This is all about my past n persent…….Hi Chil,
I understand the present looks so stressful that you naturally go back to that blissful past you lived with your ex and wonder whether things would be better now if you were with him. You made some choices during the last five years that led you to this present, and if you think calmly those choices make sense. You left each other because his family could not accept your marriage, so nothing tells you that things would be better now with him. When you were together, he protected you from his family, he shielded you and valued all your qualities. However those were not things he could do forever, eventually his energies run low and he could not protect you anymore. That is when he proposed to part, so that you could find a family that would treat you better. So, going back to the past is not the solution to the problems in the present, chances are they would still occur even if you were with your ex now. The point is that you have to find your own energies to protect yourself, so that nobody will ever harm you. Not even your ex could do it forever in your place.
So the following are my advices to find some energies and protect yourself.
You can try to communicate with your husband and his family. Do not tell them you are capable, tell them you are doing your best. You are learning and trying hard, and you were not supposed to know all those things already. When your husband decided to marry you, they all accepted the arrangement even if they did not know how good you were. You all committed to be a big happy family and that’s exactly the thing you want: work together to the success and happiness of everybody, and your happiness is included. Moreover, tell them you also have a job and it is just your right to relax at times, you cannot give all your mind and body too cooking and cleaning in your spare time. Tell them that you are stressed and tired, and you reached your limit. You worked hard and deserve some peace and rest. Tell them the next day you’ll be stronger.
I understand his family is quite demanding and it is very hard to please. However, try to understand that is just their viewpoint and their way to frame their desires. The fact is that you are good the way you are (after all you lived with them five years), but you can be better. Yes, everybody can be better, but that’s not a goal you have to set up for yourself unless you want. Do you really want to please them so much? If you want to please them or want to improve in those activities they wish you were better in, then focus on what they want, ask them advices about how you can improve what you do, how you can find more time, what you can do when you are tired. They will help you and understand you better and respect you more. If you do not want to please them and do not want to improve, then do not mind what they say. Tell them that you are good the way you are and do not need to improve. You’ve got a job and you do really a lot already. Tell them you know you may be better at home, but you are not interested, you want to focus on your career. Or maybe you want to take care of your body and soul.
Moreover, recall that, since you are financially independent, you have a back-up plan: divorce. However, think about it as your last weapon, the last safety net. If everything fails, you are your own woman. So be proud of yourself that you have such an opportunity. That is an inner source of strength. Really, if you divorce, you would show everybody how you can take care of yourself and maybe your kids away from them. Then you can start a life at your own pace. But please, do not talk about it… yet.
Really, do not look back at that past. This is your place, this is your life, this is your world, this is your path. You just have to push it in the right direction. Craft your future, either in your current family or somewhere else where you are independent and new. Keep treasure of the experience of the past, and show everybody that you are capable and can do it.
Hi Chil,
You are living in a contradiction: on one side you want to please your family, on the other side you want to be accepted as you are as a learner that needs support to grow, but your family does not like it. Hence there are two things you can do to come out from this mess: you either decide that it is not worth to please them so much and define your boundaries, or you accept that they behave in a mean way while you are growing and learning and think that you are pleasing them by being the object of their blame.
Let me elaborate a bit more on the two choices.
It is a fact that your family is “happy” when they blame you because you are late. They are pushing on you all the responsibility for a failed deadline and, by carrying all the weight, you are pleasing them. I know it may not seem that way, since they are angry and mean, but you are actually making them happy by being the subject of their harsh words. Really, do you want to please them so much? The first thing you should say to yourself is “I do not want to please my family, I want fairness, I want to please everybody including me and I want to be treated nicely”, then you have to realize that this mean hurting them and fight and not please them while things are changing. It is something you need to do. You will have to make the bat go hungry for some time if you want to teach him to not suck blood from you arm.
If you decide to define your boundary, you will need to hurt them. So, please think that even if you are hurting them or they will be harsh and mean at you while things are changing, this is just a temporary situation. Once you endure it for some time, things will be better later. They will either accept you or you will learn to deal with their disapprobation. I understand that you are very stressed and have very little energy at the moment, so my first advice is to shut yourself out of the context. Do everything you always do, but do not listen to them. If they ask you something tell them “I’ll do my best”. If they blame you say “I’m sorry, I did my best”. Every time they approach you just to blame you, turn cold and blind. Be like a monkey that does not see, does not hear and does not talk. Do things at your pace. Take time to relax. Do this for some time, retreat in your mind. Tell yourself you’ve been doing a good job, you are making steps forward and that chances are they will appreciate you one day after the change you are planning.
Once you have done this for some time and built your energy, let them hear your voice. Tell them you want a happy family and you are trying your best to please everybody. However, you are just one person and you have your limits, and you deserve happiness like everybody else. Tell them you’ve been doing you best and it is not respectful of them they do not acknowledge it. Tell them that you would appreciate some help, some advices about how to do things better. You also need time to relax in order to recharge your batteries. Their blame is useless and is only going to make you feel worse and make your performance worse. If they reach harshly, go deaf, blind and mute at their rage, till they acknowledge what you said.One more thing. While you are building your energies up, it may be a good thing to find some friends you can talk to, about you daily life. Maybe someone who is in your same situation at home, someone you can talk to, briefly, maybe 10-30 minutes a day. Isn’t there nobody at work, in the neighborhood or at some social circle you may join? You said you are religious, what about you local community? Maybe you can post some of your daily thoughts on this forum, so that you’ll know that there is someone out there who appreciates your effort and respects you for what you do (even if your family is so demanding).
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