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No one puts me first – feeling lonely

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  • March 18, 2018 at 6:18 am #197911
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Fruzsina:

    You wrote: “I care about these people and would run to them if they needed my help or support”- I have no doubt that you will, but your motivation is not solely to help them, but to not be alone. From communicating with you earlier, especially in your thread of Oct last year, in most cases (with the exclusion perhaps of your relationship with your mother and sister), you need people more than they need you.

    You need people more than they need you.

    I wrote to you late last year that it “is not about being an emotionally healthy extrovert but about that anxiety spinning your wheels”.

    You are anxious and have been anxious since childhood, scared of being alone and so, you are driven to have others present in your life, to socialize. And you need that socialization to be available for you whenever you feel anxious, which is often.

    I don’t think anyone, however loving and however willing, can satisfy your need for him or her to be as available as you need them to be. Do you think it may be true, what I just stated here?

    anita

    March 18, 2018 at 6:41 am #197919
    Buddha Buddy
    Participant

    A few observations. Ending a relationship is not always the answer to happiness and rarely resolves all your problems – unless it was abusive1. Did you try to address the issues with counseling before it ended? Are you feeling regrets perhaps?

    Also, it seems like you are seeking validation through social media. Social media is not a place to find truth or reality.

    Regarding your ex and your friends – was the way in which the relationship ended done in a way that offended others? Although you may be a deeply caring person, actions show more than anything and your friends may perceive things differently. People don’t typically display negative thoughts with friends as it’s not good to spread the negativity. Or, perhaps you weren’t as good of friends than you thought.

    You mentioned living your 20s. Are you in fact in your 20s? Or are you trying to reach back to do something you feel you missed out on. If so, it’s nof possible. Focus on where you are today.

    March 18, 2018 at 7:34 am #197927
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Fruzsina,

    I know lots of happy, upbeat people. I’m not close friends with a lot of them, they constantly reach out, there’s nothing wrong with them, but seeing them feels more like an obligation to be fulfilled. It’s not that I groan inwardly when I get an invitation to hang out, but it’s all so surface-y.

    And yes, some are “needy”. I get that you feel lonely. But you really should feel comfortable with yourself and by yourself.

    It’s OK to be alone. It’s OK to let a true friendship grow organically by itself without trying to force it.

    For once, let people come to you.

    Best,

    Inky

    March 18, 2018 at 8:30 am #197937
    Abbey
    Participant

    Dear Fruzsina,

    I have the same issue, but with friends AND family. It seems like I am the one making all the effort and I get no love, support or appreciation back. But then when you focus on yourself and what you want to do and where YOU want to go, and you low-key give up on them (not literally) you will find that one friend (whom you’ve totally forgotten about or taken for granted) has reached out. Or that your family, who act like they don’t a damn, actually do love you very much!

    I still struggle with the same issue, especially with a stepmother that goes out of her way to put me down, but I promise you…counting your blessings and taking it day by day is the best solution. And always always put yourself first.

     

     

    Abbey

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