Dear frozenfireflies:

“When something (or rather, me) gets on his nerves, he tends to lash out without much warning… He says he gives warning signals“- it is not okay for him to lash out at you (or at his children or at anyone else) with or without warning, no matter how stressed he is. He will need to STOP lashing out, to stop automatically reacting this way, and instead, to pause and respond differently.

“He feels he doesn’t get enough time to practice basic self-care“- he’ll need to find the time.

“It’s also very often something ABOUT me or how I express myself, like that I’m too stressed or heightened and triggering him, even though my stress has nothing to do with him – sometimes I just have intense emotions about something we discuss… I do sometimes feel like I’m a bit highly strong and nervous… Neither of us have laidback personalities“- on your part, you will need to keep yourself as calm as possible and/ or to appear as calm as possible when you are around him, because your heightened stress exacerbates his (and the other way around). I don’t mean that you should walk-on-eggshells, as the saying goes, but practice reasonable self-control over the expressions of your intense emotions, nervousness and heightened stress. He needs to do the same.

“I miss proper affection and intimacy in our live“- one thing at a time, I say: first, attend to what I mentioned above. The STESS LEVEL between the two of you has to significantly come down (freeze that fire, so to speak, frozen fire flies), only then there will be a space for affection and intimacy.

Please let me know what you think of my reply, and if you would like, we can talk further.

anita

Dear frozenfireflies:

You are welcome. “Our main obstacle seems to be finding ways to effectuate this change. I’m also finding it tough to remain calm and we’re trying to practice with time-outs for 10-20 mins so that we can’t escalate so badly“-

– there are different online resources in regard to anger management in a marriage. , one of which is the marriage foundation. org/ anger and resentment in marriage. What got my attention here (which I like) is the comparison between anger at one’s spouse and anger at one’s child. It reads in part: “When your children are angry for silly reasons, (e.g. you cut their sandwich the wrong way, or you won’t let them eat dirt, etc.) do you feel like it is ruining your family? Does their anger ruin your day, cause you to resent them, or to close off your heart to them? No, of course not. You simply deal with them lovingly as they work through their own issues…

“Your job (with your husband) is to be loving. Not a teacher or a disciplinarian as you are with your children. Your role is to understand and support your spouse while they are suffering from and working through their own issue… All criticism, negativity, nagging, and expectations from your side should be non-existent. Only positive and loving words should be expressed, but never to reinforce bad behavior.”

anita

Dear Frozenfireflies

It is hard when only one person in a partnership is willing to try and make things easier, peaceful & intimate.

Do you have a quiet space that you can go to so that when things look like they are about to kick off , you can calmly say that you are going to take a short time out and if he wishes to spend a bit of quiet time too he is welcome to join you. If you can do a loving kindness meditation ( loads on youtube) it will help manage the discursive ruminative thoughts from disrupting your quiet time. On returning maybe make both of you a cuppa and maybe a gentle stroke on the back will signal to him that you are now calm and open. Hopefully he will mirror your attitude. Also try leaving the non violent communication book in the toilet and he might just pick it up out of curiosity. Do your children witness his outbursts and are they confined to being verbal?

wishing you all the best

Roberta

Dear frozenfireflies,

when we have conflict it’s typically a situation where my husband complains or has a criticism directed at me – which is not unreasonable in itself – but it’s the way he expresses himself that makes me feel hurt and unsafe emotionally. It’s also very often something ABOUT me or how I express myself, like that I’m too stressed or heightened and triggering him, even though my stress has nothing to do with him – sometimes I just have intense emotions about something we discuss.

About half of all our days my husband gets unhappy or irritated about something with me.

It seems to me that your husband is very critical of you, and often blames you for no good reason, i.e. that he has a tendency to relieve his stress on you. It seems you’re his scapegoat and he feels entitled to get upset with you and scorn you whenever he pleases. His criticism doesn’t seem like constructive criticism, but just his bitterness about life that he dumps on you.

I think you shouldn’t allow such treatment any more. But it could be that you do allow it because you feel you do partially deserve it (my husband complains or has a criticism directed at me – which is not unreasonable in itself)?

Even if his criticism is sometimes “reasonable”, there is a loving and respectful way to express what bothers him, which isn’t based upon sarcasm and hostility.

I think that probably you need to be more assertive and tell him that you won’t allow to be treated like that because it hurts you. And that when he starts treating you like that (yelling at you, dumping his anger and frustration at you, putting you down), that you will leave the room, or something like that. You shouldn’t be taking his verbal abuse and hostility any more. I think you should protect yourself from it.