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Negative Assumptions in my Relationship

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  • June 20, 2018 at 5:45 am #213249
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear LinLin:

    This is what I believe happens (your examples):

    1. As a child, a parent looked was sometimes angry at you and expressed her/ his anger at you. As a child you feared her anger. We do fear anger directed at us because people who are angry often express their anger with aggressive behavior against us. Animals in nature, when angry, are motivated to fight. This is the purpose of anger.

    You were cautious, looking at your mother’s (or father’s) face, looking for that anger, afraid of it. You keep doing the same, only looking at your boyfriend’s face. When he looks like he may be angry at you, you get angry. There is fear first, next is anger. When we are afraid we often feel angry (motivated to fight a perceived danger).

    2. As a child, a parent/ someone expressed to you that they think you are stupid. That hurt a lot. When your boyfriend tries to teach you something, you inaccurately project into him your childhood experience of being told that you are stupid. Your boyfriend doesn’t think it, but the memory in your brain projects itself into him in the present.

    Let me know what you think of this and we can communicate further on the matter, if you want.

    anita

     

     

    June 20, 2018 at 11:53 am #213285
    LinLin
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes that does make sense. I grew up in a highly negative environment. I am an only child so I was always blamed for things and had both my parents mad at me so it scared me into being a goody good. So that I would not get those angry glares and passive aggressiveness from them.

    Even now, my Mom still looks at me constantly with an angry glare/tone of voice or passive agressive language. So I guess in a way, I am use to being told I am not good enough/my choices werent smart/I dont know what I’m doing/this or that was a bad choice, etc.

    I have also had boyfriends in the past like I mentioned that were very manipulative, controlling, abusive, so maybe a combination of them plus how my parents treated/treat me, makes me think that my man will act the same?

    Either way, I know he wont. I know he cares & loves me and does not mean to ever be passive agressive or manipulative or any of those bad things. So, I do want to stop assuming that he will.

    So far, I am doing okay with it. Today, he told me right away he had a pounding headache once I called him, so when he sounded sad or pissed off on the phone with me, I knew it had nothing to do with me so I did not say, “you sound pissed off, is it me?” I just said “ok babe I understand, I know you’re not mad you just have a headache, I will let you go sleep.” And that felt good. I want to continue that, but shockingly, it took a lot of mental strength to quickly say to myself, “WAIT do not get mad, he is not mad at you he just has a headache, let him go sleep give him some space he is not mad at you so dont be assuming he is”.

    I guess I am looking to see other ways in pausing the brain BEFORE it goes to bad assumptions.

    June 20, 2018 at 5:25 pm #213309
    Mark
    Participant

    LinLin,

    Good for you for practicing pausing and mindfulness.  You may want to include your boyfriend in your process by letting him know what you are practicing with him.

    Here are some techniques to try: https://www.mindful.org/get-good-pause/

    Mark

     

    June 20, 2018 at 6:17 pm #213319
    LinLin
    Participant

    Thank you Mark for that article. I just read it and it really is insightful. I should mention too, I am guilty of being a super fast paced person in my daily life. I move fast, work fast, talk fast, eat fast…. My life just feels like it’s on speed. Always feel the need to rush.

     

    And some days it feels like my habit of rushing ng also includes rushing my thoughts ts and being quicker to react in anger or negative assumptions.

    June 21, 2018 at 3:26 am #213341
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear LinLin:

    Like so many of us, you too keep re-living your past: watch for that angry look and do make that anger go away. Point to it and pacify it. Be “a goody good”. It does take pausing and questioning your assumptions (the past being triggered) before reacting. It takes doing it again and again.. and yet again.

    The rushing you mentioned, that is part of anxiety, of the running away reaction to perceived danger. The danger you described, the original perceived danger was and is “both my parents mad at me”. Unfortunately, “Even now, my Mom still looks at me constantly with an angry glare/tone of voice”.

    How do you respond to your mother, currently, when you see and hear her anger, what do you feel, say and do in response?

    anita

     

    June 21, 2018 at 3:54 am #213343
    LinLin
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes I find pausing has been helping, which is good. It will definitely take a lot of practice overtime for it to be able to come naturally I believe.

    When my Mom gives me that passive aggressiveness, I do 1 of 2 things. If she is doing it verbally like an insult or attack, I react in anger and defend myself angrily, then simply walk away after defending myself before it gets worse.

    If she is non-verbal, I simply ignore the whole thing and just stay away from her.

    As for feelings, I feel judged. She tends to think my choices are stupid or wrong because it is not what she would have done. So she immediately thinks her suggestions are more correct than my own.

    June 21, 2018 at 4:59 am #213351
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear LinLin:

    Reads like having contact with your mother is bad for your mental health, has been so and still is.

    anita

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