P.S. Don’t ask forgiveness. You went to the guru once and I remember it didn’t turn out so well.

If a Buddhist guru isn’t able to forgive you, then either he is not living according to his own beliefs or you have misunderstood him. It makes no sense that he would be so harsh. Emotional blackmail should not be part of any spiritual teachings.

Reality is probably not as complex as it seems to you. You are stuck in your mind in a situation that seems impossible, but if you knew all the sides of the story, you’d realise that the reality is not what it seems. Unfortunately, you are trying to solve a riddle that you’ve created for yourself and you’ve constructed it so that it’s insolvable as it is right now. You are trying to choose between A and B and both options seem impossible, but what you don’t see is that A and B are probably not what you think that they are.

Dear Rewa,

It is as if you are taking on all the blame but none of the responsibility. If you blame yourself, then you carry the responsibility as well and do what your integrity tells you to do. If you don’t want to go back, don’t go back and forgive yourself for past mistakes and move on. If you keep thinking about him, then go back and face him again and restate what you need, say that you’re sorry if you’ve done something you shouldn’t have and that it distresses you that he got upset. Like Inky said, he is most likely not nearly as distressed about the situation as you are. He hasn’t spent the past months wondering what you think about him.

You are not the first nor the last person who has been emotional or has said or done something to upset others or gone against what the society expects. It is not the end of the world.

You spend way too much time mulling over the same situation over and over and over again, and it is making you go crazy. You have detached from reality and seek guidance, but you don’t actually respond to any of it. Instead you deflect it all and keep going in circles over and over and over again. Please stop tormenting yourself like that. Seek medical help if you can’t make the thoughts stop on your own. Or like Inky said, seek for another guru and tell your story and see if they can help. Someone who understands your customs, is patient and understanding.

If you need another person’s story, then I do have one to share. About three years ago, I was going through a turmoil in my life and in the same time doing a project for a client. I was not able to concentrate on the project and ended up neglecting the client. They got terribly upset with me and that in turn upset me so much, that for a moment, I actually lost the ability to speak (for just a moment, but still). I was just in shock that I would upset someone like that even though it was not my intention. I finished the project for him, never asked for any money, and then just disappeared off the radar. I didn’t want to be in contact with anyone, so I abandoned my friends and just lived with my family. I was away for a long, long time. I felt horribly guilty about everything and was convinced that everyone was mad at me. In reality they were all very worried, but they weren’t angry. When I finally found the courage, this year, to get back in touch with the people, the reality was different from what I thought. I wasn’t judged or condemned in the way that I thought that I would be. Some people were upset at first, but it went away really fast. They were only upset because they had been so concerned. Things got back to normal. The fear was all in my head, and I was just not able to deal with it initially. So I allowed it to control my life and who I was in contact with for the next 2,5 years. If I would’ve just been able to face others as soon as possible after my initial shock, it would’ve all been much less of a hassle for everyone.

I really can understand how terrifying it can be when someone is angry with you and how it can cause you to detach from reality and go over the same thing over and over again, blaming oneself for being stupid. But it’s not going to help. It just makes things worse. You have to face the reality and forgive yourself and do what you think you need to do, regardless of what others think. Please find the strength to do that so that you don’t spend the next years in hiding and blaming yourself like I did.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by The Ruminant.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by The Ruminant.