HomeâForumsâRelationshipsâNeed some space to vent and maybe a shoulder
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September 26, 2017 at 7:06 pm #170473MattParticipant
Where to start, I have been married to a beautiful woman for seven years, the problem is that she suffers from severe anxiety and depression that has gradually worsened over that time. I have recently realized that I have been a large reason for the decline in our relationship as well as her mental health.
I checked out of our relationship for extended periods of time due to her fight with abuse/dependence on prescription pills. The other large factor of our damaged relationship is the fact that for about 5 and a half years of our relationship, her mother , brother, and step-father have lived with us.
My wife is the love of my life, I want her to be happy and live a full life. For 6 years I have fought the wrong fight. I thought it was my responsibility to help her with the disease of drug dependence and depression. Over the course of the last 6 months I finally came to grips with the fact that my actions have actually been destroying our marriage. I was trying to hard to fix her, instead of making peace with myself and working towards living my life as a better person.
That is just a brief glimpse of my married life, but it is a lean in to my current situation and the advice that I seek.
About a month, almost two months ago, while making dinner and helping my daughter with her homework, my wife was texting on her phone. She left her phone there on the counter open to the text string while she went to the bathroom. The phone beeped and curiosity got the best of me, I read the last couple of texts and my heart jumped out of my chest. She was in a sexting relationship, the wheels instantly flew off of my life and I ended up in the “upside down”. The first thing I did was lose my shit, like the jealous husband is “supposed” to do.Ove the course of the next couple of weeks we fought and made up, had a lot of yelling matches, and had a lot of normal conversations about it. It has totally flipped the script on my life, it has shown me that I have been living in cruise control for so long that I didn’t realize just how miserable of a life I was living. The jealousy was so intense at first, almost to the point of making me vomit.
On a side note another interesting thing happened, I looked at my wife in a different light, she became more appealing to me, I was attracted to her again. We went from a holiday sex schedule, to an almost multiple times a day schedule. My testosterone levels are through the roof, I have lost weight, and I physically feel absolutely amazing.
Mentally I am a train wreck, and here is the reason. My wife would like to explore an open marriage. At first I was vehemently against it. The thought of her being with another man was overwhelmingly sickening. But the last 4 weeks I have spent a lot of time meditating on the subject, doing a lot of research online, reading a lot about jealousy and self worth, banging my head against the wall, and having open and honest conversations with my wife. We have spoken more words over the last 4 weeks, than maybe the last year.
Divorce is not an option, it is not something that I want, I want to grow old with my wife, and she wants to grow old with me. So it was either be able to deal with her being with another man, or not.
Here is the kicker, these past couple of weeks I have seen the fog of depression start to lift, she is starting to have a better self image, and her anxiety rarely rears its head. She interacts with me more, we touch each other more, say I love you more, look into each others eyes more, she takes more showers, she seems happier, and overall our relationship is 100% better that a year ago.
My choice was to work on myself , and accept this exploration that my wife is going on. The one thing I am missing is a sounding board, a person to talk this out with. Someone to tell me I am being crazy, or that I have a valid point. I let her know that she has outlets to express these feelings with. I can’t really go to my friends and family to talk about my wife stepping out of our relationship, I am not that comfortable with it yet and with the stigma of it. So I decided to find a place to write, I thought about starting a blog, but I wanted to see peoples inputs. I thought about writing on a website dedicated to these relationships, but I think I want input from people that may not necessarily agree, and I want to focus more of my feelings and attitudes, rather than her behavior.
SOOOOO, tomorrow is the first night the two of them will be meeting each other. My stomach is a mess, although after typing all of this out it is definitely not turning over as violently as before. I know this is all in my mindspace, that space between my ears is the scariest place in the world. I want to free up that space, bring the light, and not be so darn caught up.
Questions?
September 27, 2017 at 5:14 am #170539InkyParticipantHi Matt,
Polyamory or open marriages is The New Thing right now. Of course, people have been having open relationships for millions of years, it’s just that usually their Primary Partner (to use their jargon) wasn’t supposed to know about it.
We are so modern we’re supposed to be OK with it. If you have jealousy, you are unevolved. *sarcasm*
The jealousy you feel is actually several hundred thousand years of evolution in you screaming “SOMETHING IS WRONG”. Of course you look better than ever. Of course you are doing it several times a day. Of course you are more attentive. Because some other guy is around. Before you know it you will be raising another man’s baby. Your very body is making sure that doesn’t happen.
I say you tell her, “No, actually, I’m not OK with it. I want to meet this guy when you do as I’m the Primary Partner as that is how modern Open Marriages work. Did you know that? By the way, open marriages also work both ways and I’m the hot husband now. Men get sexier as we get older at the same time as women grasp at the last vestiges of youth. I’m actually doing you a favor by offering monogamy. Have fun with the guy. But let me tell you, in reality, it’s him or me. Think hard. Think very hard.”
So is she meeting him for a dinner or for a night??
Good Luck,
Inky
September 27, 2017 at 12:10 pm #170647AnonymousGuestDear Matt:
I am guessing that the reason you feel better in some ways and so does she, the reason for this revival or.. resurrection is the change. There has been a change in the same-old-same-old. You and her lived your lives a certain way and … here, something new is taking place, something different.
When a previous taboo is being abandoned, like monogamy, there is a release of sorts, a freedom.
Question is will that sense of freedom last.
My guess: not likely because her “severe anxiety and depression”, her addiction to prescription drugs, her dysfunctional relationships with her family members which led her to accommodate them the way she has, your overblown sense of responsibility, blaming yourself for way more than you are responsible for, these things cannot be resolved with an easy fix, which is what this open marriage is supposed to deliver.
Your thoughts?
anita
September 27, 2017 at 7:49 pm #170701MattParticipantInky,
I have actually met the other guy, he is someone that she went to school with back in the day. This was early on, and under a very unusual circumstance. I of course lost my head, made a complete ass of myself and said lots of things that I should not have said. I expressed my raw emotions. We have talked about the other side of the coin when and if I would find someone. She has encouraged it and has openly admitted that if she were in my shoes that she would probably not be aable to handle the situation as well as I have handled it. The jealousy has began to diminish as I have taken the time to really look into the roots of what I am worried about. That makes sense about another mans baby. I never thought to actually look at it from that point of view.
Anita,
I thoroughly agree that the change is the reason that I feel better, the freedom from these emotions is liberating. It has given me a way to deal with the depression/pills/family. You know come to think about it all of those things have an extremely similar feelings to the ones with the open relationship. I mean boil it all down and it is like she is having an affair with prescription pills., or her depression. I was constantly fighting for time or attention. All of those days where I was left alone with the kids for days on end because she just had a ambien script filled and would dose ambien all day and night until the pills were gone.
Right at this moment the thought of finding another woman or having a relationship with another woman hasnt crossed my mind, but maybe subconsciously me accepting an open marriage is a way for me to escape, to find the missing pieces somewhere else.
But I also want my wife to get better and I have a feeling that this may be able to throw a wrench into the pills/depression cycle If it makes her look into the mirror and see a different/better reflection, wouldn’t that be a good thing. Even if it destroys our relationship, I believe that I am willing to take that risk.
Thanks for the responses and the questions and your viewpoints really help me think through this feelings
Matt
September 28, 2017 at 5:46 am #170733InkyParticipantHere’s another thought: Your daughter is getting old enough to pick up on what’s going on. You don’t want her to think it’s normal for non-parental figures to “take mommy and daddy away”. Or for daddy to have a harem. Or worse, for her mother to be a slut. As that’s what the other kids and adults would call her. Open marriages aren’t accepted or understood in most of society because it’s unusual and weird for a reason. The reason is that THEY DON’T WORK. Period. End of story.
I would be out of that marriage as it’s better for a girl to live with her divorced single mom than be surrounded by the STRANGE energy of an openly cheated on father who is being brainwashed into thinking this is somehow normal and OK. Hint: It’s not.
Even better: Sue for custody. Shut her fantasies down.
Inky
- This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
September 28, 2017 at 6:30 am #170739AnonymousGuestDear Matt:
You are welcome. It is better to have a wife and mother who is awake to life, awake to her children, attentive, than one who “would dose ambien all day and night until the pills were gone”.
You wrote that you want your wife to get better, and that “this (open marriage) may be able to throw a wrench into the pills/depression cycle if it makes her look into the mirror and see a different/better reflection.”
It might throw that wrench into the cycle and lead to some healing on her part, it might motivate her, this revival taking place in her, motivate her to heal if (and you used the word if), if she looks into the mirror, not only to see her physical looks but look deeper into her mind, her thoughts, feelings, old conflicts, look for resolutions… if she takes on the long, difficult process of healing from her severe anxiety and depression.
I hope you post again.
anita
October 3, 2017 at 4:37 pm #171437MattParticipantInky and Anita,
Sorry for taking so long to respond, it has been an interesting 5 days…
Thank-you so much for the replies. These are two very different responses. And really cause a lot of different feelings.
Inky – I am struggling very much with what is wrong and right in this situation and your viewpoints may offer me some insight. I know I struggle with the thought of my wife being intimate with another person, it is a very strange thing to work through my mind, and is sometime extremely uncomfortable. Is it the sex with another that doesn’t work in your mind, or is it the loving someone else? I have had a whole lot of time thinking about this and my biggest issue seems to boil down with the time aspect, and the thought that another male is taking my place listening to her most intimate thoughts. But on the other side of that card where my logic breaks down is that she has girlfriends that she talks to all of the time and they have some of the most surreal conversations of all, way worse than when me and the boys talk. And if it is all out in the open would it still be considered cheating?
Anita – that was such a sincere response that hit the mark. Obviously I dont know if it will have any affect on her depression/anxiety, but I do catch her looking in the mirror more, and I do catch her talking more positive. Now this could all backfire in my face, but after seeing the love of your life struggle with this disease for so long, I might do anything just to see the old smile on her face. The unconditional smile that I can tell is authentic, I actually saw a face that did not have the mask of depression on it. I saw the beautiful, worry free face that I haven’t seen in a long time. The risk is that this is just a bump, and that the cliff on the otherside is going to hurt worse, but I am getting to that point where anything is better that the pill popping zombie that I have been married to. Thank-you so much, just typing words out is so helpful
Matt
October 3, 2017 at 4:58 pm #171439MattParticipantSo Situation update……
Last Wednesday was going to be their first date, there was a lot of up and down fighting leading up Wed, but then my Mother in Law fell down and hurt her hip and was bed ridden. Meant that the wife had to cancel. Now during the lead up to all of this I could sense that my wife was struggling with this decision big time. I actually think there is a large part of her that does not want to go through with it, but she is having internal conflict. This could be bad or good, too early to decide.
I guess that I should set the table a little. My wife would like to just spend some alone time with, I will call him Jay. One of my hangups is that I know that there is more to it than just meeting to spend time with someone. But that is my hangup, she tells me that she feels good because he does not look at her as a mom, wife, or daughter, but that he just treats her like her with no judgement. There could be a whole lot to unpack with this statement, and her and I have discussed it that all of those things together make up who she is and who I am, but she is so broken from the anxiety/depression that those labels disable her.
Well the meetup was moved to this past Sunday night, but was then cancelled when I was given Sunday night off. So right now I am not sure what the status is. I know that we had a great weekend together and with the family, there was more smiling and laughing at my house this past weekend than there has been in a long time.
So my mental health, her and I have talked about it a lot leading up to this past Tuesday night. That night I was a wreck, I spent all night having some of the craziest discussions with myself. I almost made myself sick a couple of times, and during all of it I finally realized that it is not a healthy way to live my life. I had to stop worrying about what could happen in the future, and fully embrace living right this minute. I made a pact with myself that I would focus living right now, if my mind started wandering, I would pull it back to what I was feeling, after about a day of actively focusing on that thought, most of the worry just melted away. Whats some of the worse things that can happen…Well it will be that my wife sleeps with another man, has an amazing time and realizes that she is so unhappy with me that she is going to leave and run away with Jay, or that she will never look at me the same again, or that she has such an amazing time that she will constantly make fun of how bad I am and how I cant compete with Jay. These are all possibilities, but so is the fact that while driving home from work tonight that I get hit by a drunk driver. I am tired of living with that worry, I need to give myself more credit, I am a great husband and father. I still have a lot of work to do but I am there for my family and need to live life to the fullest. So I am no longer going to worry about Jay, things will play out the way it does. I will live for right now, and will learn about my feelings and getting down to the root cause for these negative feelings, it is a on-going fight that will continue to allow me to be a better person.
Matt
October 4, 2017 at 4:49 am #171469AnonymousGuestDear Matt:
The concept of open marriage triggers a negative response in many people. I don’t like it myself, not at all. Thing is, in your life, your experience, “after seeing the love of your life struggle with this disease for so long, I might do anything just to see the old smile on her face… I am getting to that point where anything is better that the pill popping zombie that I have been married to”- anything is better. Your experience of watching the woman you love existing as a pill popping zombie is very powerful and is the real issue.
You wrote: “she tells me that she feels good because he does not look at her as a mom, wife, or daughter, but that he just treats her like her with no judgement”- what her statement reveals to me is that she may feel guilty as a mother, wife and daughter, that she feels she failed her mother, failed you, failed your daughter. With this new man, Jay, she has the opportunity to be guiltless, free of guilt.
If I am correct then, if she gets to a place of self forgiveness, she will find that freedom she needs. And if I am correct, then she may already be feeling guilty at the thought of meeting Jay. And she will feel even more guilty if she does meet with him and become intimate.
The freedom from guilt, the revival, I am thinking, may be at the thought of not being guilty in someone’s eyes (Jay’s)- could be anyone. She probably sees herself from other people’s eyes, and she has seen herself temporarily through a stranger’s eyes and … temporarily what she saw was a guilt free woman.
Did she express to you guilt feelings, in regard to her mother? Daughter? You?
anita
October 4, 2017 at 5:19 pm #171615MattParticipantAnita,
I feel that you are totally hitting the nail on the head.
As far as the open marriage, your right it is a negative reaction that most people have, I still have questions as to where I fall on the spectrum. I have spent many a night thinking through those lines of how to define a positive and healthy marriage. I think it is too early for me to make a decision on that. This may well end up like an open affair, something that we need to digest and put behind us. I will say that if that is the case I will be in a much better position to process it and let go, then someone who is surprised to find that their spouse is having an affair
So onto the guilt…..I have for a long time felt that she holds great guilt for her perceived failures as a mother, daughter, and wife. Every now and then, especially back during the heavy ambien days, there would be periods of time where I could see the guilt and she would say things that made be believe it. I never tried to push it too hard because I was always afraid that being too critical would send her into the downward depression cycle. It is such a messy situation living with someone elses depression. Sometimes she expresses manic/depressive disorder where the mania is really bad. But for the most part her manic phase is fairly level and consistent and nothing out of normal, but her depression stage was always awful. So I would bite my lip during the manic phase and enjoy her as much as possible. The funny thing is that her recollections almost never include those manic periods, those good times when our family functioned. Her memories almost always deal with how I treated her during the depressive states, I could never explain it enough about how hard it was to work a full time 60 hour a week job, take care of a 12 year old step son and a 2 year old daughter, and all of the chores around the house. I did not have the energy or the will to focus on her when she needed me most. I was a new father and a new husband and was lost, and I was angry because I felt that her abuse of the pills was the cause of her depression and I held that against her. How could she lay in bed all day, when I was working a 10-12 hour day and then sleeping in our daughters room because she had horrible eczema as a toddler. I am positive that I was not a good husband during those years, and I have told her that. To tell you the truth I am not sure how much memory she has from those years, that ambien is some nasty stuff and I want to hit any doctor that is still prescribing that crap.
I am not out of the woods yet, there are still many hurdles to overcome, but I know that I am becoming a stronger person for all of this. And more importantly a more confident person with less insecurities
I so appreciate your responses, it has really helped me put things into perspective. You are a wonderful person with all of the responses you give people and deserve a special place in the galaxy.
Thanks
Matt
October 5, 2017 at 6:22 am #171677AnonymousGuestDear Matt:
You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation. Your life, working 60 hours per week, doing household chores in addition, taking care of your daughter and step son, watching your wife lie down in bed much of the day, this life is a very difficult, lonely life. Not much rewards in it for you, and yet you stay and do your best. Your dedication to your wife and family is outstanding.
But there must be a better way and I hope you are already there and getting there, you can’t run on empty for too long and experience well-being.
From your last post, reads to me that there haven’t been much intimate conversations with your wife, over the years, about distressing topics such as her guilt. Open, honest communication can help. If I hit the nail on the head in regard to her guilt, that is, this man, Jay, being an opportunity for her to see herself through the eyes of someone who she didn’t fail, someone who doesn’t see her as a failure, then, how do you proceed, having this understanding?
anita
October 5, 2017 at 4:41 pm #171781MattParticipantHmmm…..Rewards in it for me and experiencing well-being. Now those are very interesting topics that are worth exploring. I have always been the friend that everyone goes to when they were experiences difficulties in their life. Everyone from my best friend to a college buddies wife. Everyone knew that they could sit down with me and talk about whatever was bothering them and I would listen and the conversation would stay there. I have always been a excellent listener, It is something that I take pride in. Whether it is work or my personal life. On the flip side of that, and something that I have just recently started to deal with is my ability to talk about my feelings and emotions. I was a Navy brat and moved around a lot as a child. I had friends but because we moved a lot I didn’t have those really close, tell your soul kinda friends when I was little. I figured out how to process emotions inside my head, which I think is the root of some of jealousy that I hold onto. I know it creates havoc in my marriage because my wife would get mad because I would keep everything in. During arguments I would get to a place where my brain was full or my emotions were all over the place and I wouldn’t know how to deal so I would just withdraw. I needed time to process and clear everything out. Not really a great way to deal with things.
SO back to the rewards and well being. I always felt satisfaction and reward from being there for my family and friends, including my wife. Which is why I was hurt so much and couldn’t understand my feelings about the pills and depression. I felt like I couldnt help her, like I was failing, and I would beat myself up for that. I had the wrong impression that if I couldn’t help her than I shouldn’t deserve being rewarded for anything, or be concerned about my well being.
That all changed a couple of years ago, I had moved my family to Florida to help my Inlaws deal with my Father in Laws Stage 4 cancer. I was living in Maryland still working and travelling, and I would spend a week or so every month in Florida with the family. When I was in Maryland I was drinking to hide my sadness and stress, and one Saturday I woke up in the worst pain of my life. I laid on my bathroom floor all day by myself working through this pain. It wasn’t just the physical pain, it was the emotional pain of what had become of my relationship with my wife, and missing my family horribly. Sunday morning the pain subsided a bit and I worked through it, but on Monday morning I showed up to work and my coworker told me that I needed to go to the ER immediately. I guess I didn’t look that great. Went to the ER and turns out I was passing gall stones. Emergency surgery on Wed to remove my gall bladder. I was alone that entire time and it really had an impact on me, I think that and the fact that I had basically been on a 5 day fast. It is amazing the clarity I gained from that. I scheduled my first doctor appointment in 15 years. Sat down with doc who told me I was 40 pounds overweight, wanted to put me on heart, cholesterol, and some other prescriptions, and said that I was a walking disaster waiting to happen. It was hard hearing that but I was determined to get my health back and worked for about 2 years to fix everything. I dusted off my camera and started hiking and taking pictures again, I quit drinking alcohol, and focused on figuring out how to sleep better. it was a big hill, but I climbed it and am now healthier than I was at 30.
In the chaos of a new family, stressful work, and a hard marriage, I lost how to take time for myself to make me happy. It is really a chore for me to put myself first and I continue to struggle with that even now. I am getting better with it though and have found great pleasure in doing things I enjoy, like taking pictures and painting. Work in progress but is at the top of my list now. In order for people around me to be happy, I need to be happy
Onto the second part, I’m not really sure how I proceed. Thinking through it, things could go bad because if she experiences that guilt free feeling, and then turns around a tries to function with the family and feels only guilt, that could be an opportunity to just pull away. I am scared, but need to tell her that she has failed in the past, but that is the past. She has an opportunity to start fresh every minute. I try to encourage opportunities for her to succeed in all areas, and tell her all the time to just take a look at our kids and how wonderful they are, I feel that it just falls on deaf ears. She doesn’t take when I tell her all of the positive things seriously and only focuses on the negatives. I recently wrote her a list of 100 reasons why I love her, it went over very well for a few days, but then reverted back to the “everything is all my fault, and I am a horrible person attitude” It is very difficult, and writing about it hurts, it’s actually put me in a mood. I just love seeing the smile on her face in the morning, and the twinkle in her eyes. It is two different people, when she is taking the pills the twinkle disappears, I can tell she is just squashing all of those emotions.
October 6, 2017 at 8:32 am #171853AnonymousGuestDear Matt:
I re-read much of all your posts here, as well as the most recent one. Here are my thoughts:
You wrote:Â “I always felt satisfaction and reward from being there for my family and friends, including my wife. Which is why I was hurt so much… I felt like I couldn’t help her, like I was failing”- you find value, pride (the word you used) in being a good listener, in being available for other people’s problems. You find self worth in being able to help other people. That is a reward and a motivation: the more you help, the more self worth you experience.
There is nothing wrong with that motivation. Except for this part, that when you fail to help others, you “would beat myself up for that” and for believing that “if I couldnât help her than I shouldnât deserve being rewarded for anything, or be concerned about my well being”.
You wrote: “In order for people around me to be happy, I need to be happy”- this is what helpers, like you, often tell themselves, still keeping the motivation to help others as a higher priority than helping themselves, figuring something like: I better help myself so that I can better help others. As if you (the helper) is less valuable than another person (the helped one).
In order to help others you have an expectation of yourself, reads to me, of operating perfectly. Any imperfection, or perceived imperfection, and you figure you failed. When you have strong emotions, I think you perceive them as part of your imperfection: “first thing I did was lose my shit, like the jealous husband is ‘supposed; to do… of course lost my head, made a complete ass of myself and said lots of things that I should not have said. I expressed my raw emotions… ”
You criticized yourself in the above quotes for expressing those raw, intense emotions, but I think you also criticize yourself for experiencing them. You wrote that you “will learn about my feelings and getting down to the root cause for these negative feelings, it is a on-going fight that will continue to allow me to be a better person” – as if experiencing distressing or unpleasant feelings makes you a bad person, and if you got to the root cause of those… undesirable experiences, and eliminated them, then you will become a better person.
I would like to read your reply to my thoughts so far.
(I am adding the following quotes for thoughts I already have and would like to communicate to you in a future post: “It is really a chore for me to put myself first…I try to encourage opportunities for her to succeed in all areas, and tell her all the time to just take a look at our kids and how wonderful they are, I feel that it just falls on deaf ears. She doesnât take when I tell her all of the positive things ..I just love seeing the smile on her face..”)
anita
October 6, 2017 at 9:47 am #171883ElianaParticipantHi Matt,
I just now read your post. I see that you received alot of replies. I have not read them, but I will give my short perspective. I could not do it. If I were married, I could not share my husband with another woman. The thought of even thinking about my ex with another woman kissing or having intercourse makes me nauseated, or wanting to have a panic attack. I feel God made marriage between one man and one woman, an open marriage is out of the question, to me it’s not a marriage, just a roommate situation, no matter if they are the love of your life. I couldn’t even think about it. Its It’s all or nothing for me. I can’t or won’t share my husband. It’s wrong.
October 6, 2017 at 7:29 pm #172017MattParticipantYou criticized yourself in the above quotes for expressing those raw, intense emotions, but I think you also criticize yourself for experiencing them. You wrote that you âwill learn about my feelings and getting down to the root cause for these negative feelings, it is a on-going fight that will continue to allow me to be a better personâ â as if experiencing distressing or unpleasant feelings makes you a bad person, and if you got to the root cause of those⌠undesirable experiences, and eliminated them, then you will become a better person.
I would like to read your reply to my thoughts so far.
Anita,
I definitely see your point, and I think you are right. I don’t know how to deal with the raw emotions. When they swing too far one way or the other, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. Even on the happiness side, I have a hard time just letting go and feeling that unadulterated joy. A prime example would be laying on the bed with my wife and daughter, my daughter loves to tickle me because the wife is not ticklish and I am very. I always try to shut it down before it gets going. I am not sure why, maybe what I need to do is start pushing those limits and understanding that it is okay.
Except for this part, that when you fail to help others, you âwould beat myself up for thatâ and for believing that âif I couldnât help her than I shouldnât deserve being rewarded for anything, or be concerned about my well beingâ.
So the only thing I would add to this is that I only beat myself up when it comes to my wife, like I feel guilt for not being able to support her the way she needed. And looking at it, there is plenty that I deserve reward for through all of this. I can give myself credit for quite a lot of things, but where I failed is giving myself the reward. I did feel like I didn’t deserve rewarding myself if she was still laying in the bed depressed and unable to do anything. For some reason I put a lot of that blame on myself because I did not know how the disease worked. She didn’t help either because she held a lot of those little rewards I would give myself over my head. Example, I used to coach a Women softball team, that one game a week was my reward. It was a break from the house, and the stress. But when she was abusing ambien, she would always use that against me and would say just about anything to make me feel guilty. After a while I just gave it up because i didn’t like the fight and wouldn’t stand up for myself.
I think this response that you have given me has opened a lot of doors that I need to look in, very insightful and has given me quite a lot to chew on. I keep re-reading it and every time a new revelation pops into my head.
On a positive note, the last week or so with my wife has been very hopeful and positive. We have had a lot of great conversations about our life/needs/wants. There has been no additional talk about “Jay” or meeting with him. She has been in a better mood and the talking has been so refreshing even though some of them have been difficult. We try to take 15 mintues everyday to just lay on the bed, me and her, with the door locked, and spend that time together. It has been a very happy week. I know that we are not out of the woods yet, but I am appreciating the week. Tomorrow we have a big family day planned, with Halloween decorations, costume shopping, a big dinner and movie planned with the family. I am really looking forward to it.
Thank-you again
Matt
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