Hi Jane,

I believe that most parents at one point look back on their parenting and see some big (sometimes huge) mistakes and wish they could have a “re-do”, but the truth is there’s no such thing as perfect parenting or a perfect childhood. We are all flawed and often transfer those flaws to our own kids without realizing what we’re doing. I believe that honesty with our kids is the best policy. If I were you I think I would have an open and honest discussion with my now adult son. I’d identify for him the mistakes I believe I made during his upbringing, sincerely apologize for each one, and explain what I would do differently now if I had the chance. Then I’d decide how to best move forward in this relationship, and I’d stick to my decision even when it’s difficult to do so. When deciding how best to move forward I’d consider what is best for me both emotionally and financially and also what is best for him. Enabling him both emotionally and financially may not be what’s best for him, so I’d probably guide him to seek quality psychotherapy, and I’d also stop giving him money.

I guess my point is that you can decide right now, at this very moment, to be the parent you wish you were earlier and to be a good role model for your son, and to also set important boundaries with him. I believe you love you son and want what’s best for him, but does he know how much you love him? It may be a silly question but I think it’ll be much easier for him to accept and to forgive you for the mistakes you made during his upbringing if he feels genuine love from you and knows you sincerely want what’s best for him.

So forgive yourself for your mistakes and understand that we all make parenting mistakes that we wish we could correct, and make a list of the qualities you now want to have and stick to that list, and always come from a place of love for your son. Sometimes that “place of love” is actually “tough love” — doing what you need to do to help him become a functioning adult, someone who has the proper tools to face life’s problems (no more emotionally blackmailing his mom) who can make a living on his own without financial help.

B

Hi Jane,

You are welcome. I think you’re doing all the right things, and I share your sentiments about the societal expectations of parenting. It’s terrible to be judged negatively by others, especially for those who are already blaming themselves. Recently there have been a series of unfortunate incidents in my community where the foolish actions of a few teenagers have resulted in some very negative gossip about their parents. Instead of being compassionate, there are many in the community who have become self-righteous and judgmental, and without even knowing all the facts! So I understand what you’re saying.

So just let people think what they want. Let all the extraneous b.s. drop away so that you can focus on what’s really important: you and your son. Has he had professional counseling to work through some of his troubles? And what about you? I ask because this is a common problem for parents of adult children, one that trained psychologists deal with every day.

It’s possible that indeed your son has been punishing you as you had mentioned. All the more reason to take responsibility for your mistakes and apologize for them. If he’s angry, maybe this will dissolve some of that anger. If I were you I’d do my best to keep communicating with him without compromising my own standards, just like you’re already doing. I would give him advice only when he asks for it, and I’d check in with him often because I care about him and love him. But, and you already know this, you can only do so much, and he needs to learn from his own mistakes and start making better choices or else, well, find himself on the streets, and as a parent myself it pains me to type those words.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

B

Hi Jane,

I need to know how to keep communicating with him without opening myself up to hurt, and I think this is the issue. I am seeking ways to re-open the dialogue without falling back into old patterns.

I will be away from my computer for the next several hours but will think about what you’re asking while I’m gone.

It’s complicated, I understand. I have a friend who’s in a similar situation as you with regard to her adult son who is now married and lives out of the state. When her son needs money he goes directly to his father who is still married to my friend, and he always gives him money. My friend does not agree with this. She wants her son to be forced to learn from his mistakes and start making good choices, but he keeps falling back into old self-destructive patterns. It’s almost like he’s incapable of making any good choices. My friend and her son have a very strained relationship and communicate very little, and when they do it involves only small talk, never anything meaningful, steering away from explosive topics, yet he and  his dad talk often and have a much closer, more meaningful relationship. My friend would like to improve her relationship with her son but it’s hard to know how to do it.

B