Hi, everyone..have not been on here in awhile. Could really use some help..

Ihave always struggled with abandonment and rejection issues. It is most likely from not being wanted, and severely neglected, emotionally abused and abandoned repeatedly, by an Alcoholic mother who did not love me, a father who did love me, but had to travel all the time for his successful paper business. Making the Fortune 500 just and so on. I was born out of Wedlock..

The story gets a bit happier in that I ended up having my Dad’s sister and brother in law (My Aunt and Uncle) took me away from my mother with help from the courts. They were a very happy couple and people and did everything to give me a delightful childhood. However the first six years of abandonment, and being unwanted and unloved created most likely permanent damage.

I am considered a kind, educated, outgoing person, but I have struggled my entire life with the feeling of rejection, feeling unwanted, loneliness and not belonging. It has been difficult for me to maintain friendships and I have never been married or had children. I have mental illness that I am on medication and DBT therapy. Right now, I am struggling and having anxiety over a very nice young  couple, who come out and do Bible study (Jehova’s witness). Initially, I met them at a picnic table with another resident. I asked if I could join in..but felt undecided because of people’s sometimes unkind comments about Jehova’s witness.

However, the more I have done bible study with this very sweet couple, I have come to actually enjoy them, and bible study..and my doubts about what now I see are biased and untrue comments about this religion have been put to rest. The other resident..I thought we had a friendship..but she has appeared distant lately. Then I noticed she did not come to bible study, or the couple would tell me that her mother was sick and she was spending a lot of time at her mother’s house. They came on Wednesday nights at first. Then, they stated that I was pretty far ahead in my reading studies, and wanted to come on Thursday nights to study with me only.

That worked out well for about two weeks and they said they really enjoyed studying with me, and seemed happy that I was doing my reading and was doing well. They even helped me by buying me laundry detergent and Fabric softener when my apartment flooded, as they know I am on disability and have no transportation, other than a case manager. I never asked them to do this, they just did out of kindness and wanting to help me.

Then everything changed. It happened before the week and during Thanksgiving Holiday. They usually text me when they are going to come out. They asked if I wanted to study on Thursday the week before Thanksgiving. The weather was bad..out first ice and snow of the year. But it actually wasn’t too bad and they live fairly close. I did not hear from them..and texted, and the lady just responded “yea..it’s looking pretty bad”. The week of Thanksgiving, I never heard from them. I went to the lobby and I saw the couple studying with the resident, and another friend of mine and resident here on Wednesday early evening.

I went in and asked if I could join in, and I was feeling a bit rejected that they never texted me. (I didn’t tell them this)..so I sat in with them. Then I left a bit early due to maintenance coming out to check on flooding or any further leaks and I apologized. I texted them later and said I was bummed that I could not be there the entire time. They then texted “Eliana, actually we were planning on coming out tomorrow to study with you and we enjoyed study with you tonight, with a large emoticon heart. (which was Thanksgiving). They texted me the evening before Thanksgiving and said anytime I wanted on Thursday. (They don’t celebrate holidays). I texted back that the Sunroom would be in use for residents Thanksgiving meal until 3pm..so I would be available after then. They texted back “Oh..sorry..we have a meeting later that night)..(meetings in J.H mean church service). I now feel anxious, confused and rejected..as they had texted me “anytime on Thursday” and changed their mind and said they had meeting..so with that and them not texting me the Wednesday before, I feel they are all sneaking behind my back. I don’t know what to do, and feel unwanted and anxious..asking myself what I did wrong..

Sorry this ended up being long. This is what I am always struggling with and gives me so much sadness and anxiety.

Thank you for listening. Any advice greatly appreciated.