Need advice from someone with experience in anger/betrayal/need for revenge

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This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 2 months ago by louise.

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August 23, 2014 at 5:07 am #63818

naomi
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Hi, thank you for clicking my post. I registered for an account to post a message quickly in hopes someone will read this who has any experience with extreme feelings of anger or betrayal or need for revenge.

Recently I’ve come to terms with the fact my father attempted to have sexual relations with a child when i was child and i witnessed it. But i didn’t confront him, or perhaps more importantly, i had not confronted myself about it at all till this past year. I just told myself it was a misunderstanding. Well now i know what kind of person he is for sure (i have sat down and talked to him about it) and the things hes thinks is okay to do to other human beings. Naturally i’m disgusted and I have resigned to never seeing him again, because frankly it sickens me the idea of being near him let alone just thinking about him. Which interestingly enough at the start of all of this i was telling myself i would have to forgive him eventually and learn to be around him again. Yet, now i see that as a impossibility.

My anger towards him is the greatest emotion I’ve ever felt, and i’m not sure if its because it took me so long to accept it, if it because its related to my own father, or maybe because i was sexually abused or some other factor. But i cant truly express with words the amount of hatred i have for him. And i know logically i am only hurting myself, its at a point where i am just angry/upset/distraught all the time, like my anger is “idling” (as my mate likes to put it) and all it takes is a whisper to set me off to full throttle despair,conflicts,anger. I’m sure you can guess how destructive this can be for my personal relationships. And that’s where im drawing the line on this…its no longer okay for me.

Does anyone read this and recognize it? I do not want to forgive him because i can not…i will not, its unforgivable. Yet i dont want hate controlling my life. Very confused and lost in anger…and an intense need for betrayal. I’m NOT a violent person, i haven’t ever been in a fight,been violent towards someone etc. Yet there is nothing i would like more then to cause suffering on my father.. I know that this is wrong, i dont need to be told that, i can think something logically all i want…but it doesn’t change the emotions im feeling right now unfortunately.

August 23, 2014 at 1:48 pm #63842

Samdlb
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Hi Naomi, sorry to hear the predicament that you are in.

Although not on the same level, I understand your situation. Someone I used to be with had been molested by her sister for several years as a child, and she had never told anyone – except from me.

Needless to say when I was the same room as him I wanted to batter him. Unfortunately I also know what it’s like to want revenge. Only a couple of hours ago I received a phone call from a girl i’m “with” (complicated), with a guy speaking telling me to leave her alone as he is screwing him. I don’t know the facts, she might be drunk and he might be a dick trying to wind me up, but I still want to batter him.

In terms of your situation I think it’s important that you understand.

I don’t think it’s important to forgive him, or ever see him again. What I think is important is that understand your own feelings and understand why you feel the way you feel. Clearly you are very angry and held back emotions and confusion all these years, only to be left disappointed and ashamed of a man who you should trust and adore.

What I need you to do, is not be ashamed to be angry. You have every right to be angry. I’d be angry, I’d be furious. It’s what you do with that emotion. There is nothing you can do to change what has happened, and as you said, you feel resigned to never seeing him again, so you feel you can’t forgive him. You need to realise that this is okay. It’s perfectly natural for you to feel this way.

I then need you to concentrate on understanding that you can’t change the situation. No matter how disappointed with your father’s response, you can’t change it.

I hope this has helped a little. My head is in a bit of a mess but I think this might help you get started!

August 23, 2014 at 4:25 pm #63845

Inky
Participant

The anger you’re feeling is totally normal, totally human, and totally justifiable. What you witnessed was “Beyond”, and anger is a perfect emotion for having to experience or see the Unnatural, or Evil. The emotion of Anger is great because the alternative emotions are Despair, Guilt, Apathy, etc.

It is so OK to smash kitchen utensils (safely) into the ground, box a pillow, box the air, growl, “I will DESTROY you!” to the phantom of your father. Hell, light a Justice Candle. Petition the God(s).

Hiding behind the anger though is the grief of losing your father while he is still alive. That you deal with a therapist. Honor your experience and yourself by the gift of a good one.

August 24, 2014 at 12:48 am #63856

sia
Participant

Dear Naomi, just like Samdlb says here, it is a normal reaction- your anger, disappointment, hatred towards his action. The very idea of you wanting to move on with your life is a progress in its own way. Those feelings which were there from all these years, are now growing old, they are saying it’s time for you to move on without them. Learn what you should from them, let them leave.
But, dear friend, to forgive yourself, your father and everyone else involved in this is the only proper way to do this, so that such things will not repeat again. A few lines for your consideration..
We often think that once our feelings change, and we find happiness, we shall change our actions. The truth is that only when we change our actions, do our feelings change, and WE START TO APPRECIATE OUR INNER HAPPINESS.
Forgiveness is a judgment of choice, to be willing to let go of something that brought hurt, to go unanswered, for our own well being. Like others in previous posts have said, we can’t change what has already happened and you can’t change the way how others think. All you can change is what you are doing to yourself, at this moment and in the future.
There are many ways to do this – Meditation, Therapy, Prayer, Practice, Confessions.., choose what suits you. You might consider more than one like meditation, and practice mindful compassion. Your goal should be to clean all the unwanted feelings, and memories from your heart, and fill it with love, Grace, kindness and compassion, so that you are able to focus on your purpose in this life. Remind yourself about your goal everyday.
Also, I would like you to think, and acknowledge about any good things you have noticed your father( for real). My point is to see that no one or nothing is totally bad or good, to not deserve forgiveness and kindness. This may change the way how we approach people on the whole.
Such a long post… I guess it would take days/ weeks for you to read..
It might look like a long way ahead, but we have to start somewhere to get somewhere. Wish you love and Grace..

August 26, 2014 at 2:42 am #63943

Will
Participant

This is a tough one. Good on you that you’re trying to work on your (very legitimate) anger.

When you say you don’t want to forgive, I think what you mean is you don’t want to say, “what you did was ok”. But perhaps in time you can come to a place that is a kind of forgiveness, that says: “I don’t know what strange conditions and twisted understanding caused you to do these things, and I don’t need to know. You were wrong. I hope in time you will learn, even if I don’t believe you will. I bear you no ill will. Our ties are nothing to me, you’re just another person who does ill in this world. It is nothing to me.”

Does that seem like a reasonable goal to aim for?

As for the anger itself, what helps me is to try not to rehearse the anger by thinking about how wrong they are or what I would say to them or why they are like that or venting about it to a friend or any of that kind of rah rah rah stuff, but instead just feel the anger, quietly, without mental narration. Focus on the physical sensations of being angry, until they fade, and keep extinguishing the thoughts that call up this angry feeling.

This is hard as hell for sure, and you have to make sure you don’t quell your anger out of a sense that it is wrong to be angry. You are right to be angry. It’s just not helpful to you or anyone else. Keep your eye on that more peaceful internal state that you’re after, and remember you’re doing this for you, it’s nothing to do with him. You don’t have to care about him, and you’ll hurt less the less you care.

It will take time. I hope you find your way.

September 5, 2014 at 5:16 pm #64454

louise
Participant

Hi
I had a lifetime living in anger and I hurt no one but myself, I brought high blood pressure on myself.
Anger is a killer. LET IT GO.
FORGIVEING OTHERS IN YOUR HEART (DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE THEIR FRIEND.)
STOP HURTING YOUR SELF.

I started to meditate 35 years ago and that was the end of my anger.
if you want to try a 7 minuet meditation free.
Go to “antidoteforall.com” Give it a try worked a miricale for me.
I could say more if you are interested.
Good luck.

September 5, 2014 at 6:43 pm #64456

louise
Participant

I JUST WANT TO ADD THAT MY EX HUSBAND WAS A CHILD MOLESTER.

I am sorry today that I didnt arrest him because he continued to molest children.
At the time, I hsd small children and needed spousal support, so I said nothing after the divorce.
I did not do the right and so sorry I didnt.
NEXT TIME YOU TALK TO HIM CARRY A MICHROPHONE, TAPE IT AND USE IT TO HAVE HIM ARRESTED TO PROTECT OTHER CHILDREN. do the right thing I failed to do.
father or not he is scum.
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