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September 23, 2019 at 7:47 am #313739
lindseyParticipantAnita,
So the It 2 was pretty good. Very long, 3 hours but good. This weekend was anxiety free which is very nice, very peaceful. K sent what I would call a kind of check in text Friday evening. My rules are pretty easy to follow. I believe there is a term for him-he is someone who cannot feel pushed or pressured into anything emotionally and tends to run away. I just cannot find the term, my therapist said it in our last session.
Saturday was raining and cold, the kids had soccer which was kind of boring lol. But we had a nice evening hanging out in the apartment before I dropped them Sunday and we went to dinner Friday night. Hope you have a good weekend-I would go see the movie I think it’s worth going if you liked the first one.
Lindsey
September 23, 2019 at 8:04 am #313747
AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Is the term you are looking for regarding K, is it “avoidant attachment style” (I am guessing because I read a post about it less than an hour ago)? I am thinking a person who avoids any pressure by any person avoids the person exerting any pressure.
I don’t remember It1, it’s been so many years ago. I remember the clown.
I am glad you find your rules easy to follow. Keep following them. My weekend was fine, thank you.
anita
September 23, 2019 at 8:52 am #313757lindseyParticipantAnita,
Yes I agree he has avoidant attachment style. My therapist also had another word she used too. I will ask her when I see her on Friday.
Lindsey
September 23, 2019 at 10:58 am #313795AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Let me know Friday then. But for now, have a good-enough Monday at work. Tell me a bit about the movie, It 2, when you get the chance, will you?
anita
September 23, 2019 at 11:03 am #313797lindseyParticipantAnita,
So I would recommend reading the book “IT” by Stephen King. He is one of my favorite authors. The story is crazy-they did a good job with the movie remake. But basically its about a gang of 13 year old kids who take on an evil diety in the form of a clown. That’s a very general description but there are so many smaller stories within the stories.
If you are not a fan of Stephen King type books, I would say rent the first IT movies. This new movie that came out about 2 years ago is way, way better than the old original IT movie.
Having a pretty good Monday for a Monday lol. Talk soon,
Lindsey
September 23, 2019 at 11:11 am #313801AnonymousGuestThank you the explanation and recommendation, Lindsey.
anita
September 25, 2019 at 9:01 am #314251lindseyParticipantAnita,
Yesterday I had mediation for the divorce, 1 of 2 sessions for the finances. It was stressful because my ex is not very happy with the amount he will have to pay. There will be some disagreements in the next session but the mediator gave me some advice afterwards. She had him leave first and then told me to stick to my guns with the finances and with what I’m asking for. I’m pretty grateful for her advice.
I’m feeling tired and worn down from all this. Also I think when things are calm sometimes I look for chaos and I really want to look at changing that. Kids come over tonight until Friday which will be good. K is talking and acting normal right now. I just feel kind of drained.
September 25, 2019 at 9:24 am #314261AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I think a meeting with a divorce mediator over finances will drain anyone!
But do stick to your guns because the financial arrangement that will be decided in these couple of sessions will have significant consequences ($ per month) for many months and years. Let the mediator do her job for the benefit of you and your children.
“when things are calm sometimes I look for chaos”- we look for chaos outside to fit with the chaos inside. This is why I used to love horror/ suspense movies, the chaos outside (on the movie screen) distracted me from the chaos inside, the overthinking and distress.
Better though, lower the chaos inside and look for calm outside to fit with the calm inside.
Easier said (typed) then done, isn’t it?
anita
September 26, 2019 at 3:23 pm #314503lindseyParticipantAnita,
I’ve been doing good all week and this afternoon my anxiety acted up again. I went to my counselor and it was a good session but I think she made me realize that I do still have some expectations from K. She took him saying no expectations as more than just going from friends to more. She thinks he means that with everything moving forward with us. And I started to panic a little. So of course I came back here to work and he didn’t Skype with me in the afternoon or say bye when he left. And my anxiety freaked out. I spoke with him this morning and everything was fine.
I think it’s normal for him not to say bye but I don’t know. I mean now I can’t remember if he said bye or not all week. I mean I know he did yesterday. My anxiety is just out of control and I feel like I can’t think straight. Can you help me.
Lindsey
September 26, 2019 at 5:01 pm #314517AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
You “can’t think straight” and my thinking is not very focused this evening. Can you take a hot bath, soak in hot water while listening to music- this often does the trick of relaxing. Maybe a meditation by Mark Williams, or “the mountain meditation”, you can google that. Do one of these things and I will be back to you tomorrow morning in about 13 hours from now.
Post again before I return, if it helps.
anita
September 27, 2019 at 6:16 am #314611AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I wish you didn’t leave the counseling session more anxious than when you went in. Regarding K’s no expectations comment, whether he meant it regarding going from friends to more, or regarding just friendship- and you feeling anxious thinking he may have meant that you should have no expectations for a friendship with him-
– that ignited your separation anxiety, the old separation anxiety from your mother, when you found yourself alone, too soon and you needed her so intensely.
If you remember how it felt then, separated and rejected by your mother, then you can say to yourself: this anxiety about K is an activation of my anxiety regarding my mother, long ago.
Place your anxiety where it belongs- in the there and then (the past)- and you will free your life here and now (the present) from same anxiety.
– by the way, it is indeed easier said than done, lol.
How are you feeling this Friday morning?
anita
September 27, 2019 at 7:07 am #314623lindseyParticipantAnita,
I hope you are feeling better today, you sound better. So the good news is I did not break a rule yesterday and my anxiety went away in about 1-2 hours. The bad news is I got anxiety yesterday. I think my counselor meant well with how she interpreted K’s meaning of expectations. While I do believe he meant don’t have expectations that we will become more than friends right now and don’t push for it, really I should have no expectations at all for anything with him.
And it is normal for him not to say bye when he leaves, he’s gone all day or days without speaking I know this. I agree my counselor’s view on the expectations comment brought back feelings of rejection/separation from my mother. However, at the time I just kind of went in a panic and felt like/still feel like saying don’t have expectations means in some ways don’t count on me.
This anxiety is really like the devil. Just when you think you are getting better there is a set back. K sent a text at about 9pm last night after he came home from happy hour.
Lindsey
September 27, 2019 at 7:46 am #314633AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I was tired yesterday when I wrote to you last, not that I felt bad.
“This anxiety is really like the devil. Just when you think you are getting better there is a set back”- we talked about expectations from K. Let’s talk about expectations from anxiety-
– you can’t get rid of it. I can’t, you can’t, no one can.
And so, it is unrealistic to expect anxiety to be gone. All you can realistically expect is to lower your anxiety, or minimize it, but can’t get rid of it.
Every time you experience calm and relaxation, feeling good- anxiety is not gone for good. It will be back.
The less surprised and disappointed you feel when anxiety is back.. the less anxious you will be.
And Less-anxious is the best that you can expect, over time, gradually.
anita
September 27, 2019 at 8:45 am #314663lindseyParticipantAnita,
yes I agree. Set backs are just not fun. And the anxiety in my brain just goes into overdrive-even when there is a part of me saying “hey Lindsey you are being irrational stop it” and I just keep going.
I’m going to have to figure out a way to decrease my anxiety when it starts. I have no idea how to do that because my brain is not working properly at the time lol.
Just looking forward to a Friday and Saturday by myself relaxing. I’m honestly hoping K does not reach out to hang out. I just feel like I already have a lot on my plate right now and anything else will make it tip over.
Lindsey
September 27, 2019 at 9:44 am #314697AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
When you feel the anxiety starting, at the very beginning, do something to calm yourself- anything from taking a walk around your workplace, if it happens at work, to taking a cold shower or a hot bath at home (whichever works), to listening to a relaxing guided meditation, or music, or making yourself hot tea or milk.
Point is- notice the beginning of fear, then calm yourself.
Regarding K- don’t know what you can or should do about him other than keeping your rules! Don’t worry about having expectations of him, you can’t help expecting, or hoping for more- more of anything.
Keep the rules regarding him, that is all you have to do in regard to K.
anita
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