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July 16, 2019 at 2:53 pm #303629
lindseyParticipantAnita,
I’m definitely starting to get my own routine and my anxiety is low. I’m going to hang out with an old friend this weekend that I have not seen in awhile. She is my age and lives in a town about an hour away. There are events this weekend in our town so I think we will have fun.
Regarding K. We were talking earlier and I said that I was glad we were friends and that I would never push for more because we have both had some bad luck in the past. (He mentioned some issues with another ex girlfriend.) He said he was glad I understood because he could not see himself in a relationship right now.
I’m aware I’m not ready for a relationship but I feel a little annoyed when I think about how he worded it. Almost like I was pursuing more when really I was not. I don’t know maybe I am reading more into it.
Lindsey
July 16, 2019 at 4:07 pm #303637
AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
What he said reads like nothing more than what he said, that he is not ready for a relationship, and it seems like he was somewhat aware that you were at least partly interested in a relationship, or that he considered, at least for a moment, that you might be interested. But I don’t read into it more than that.
According to what you described about him, I agree, he is not ready!
I am glad you continue to be less anxious and routine does work!
I will be back tomorrow morning, in about 13 hours from now.
anita
July 17, 2019 at 9:00 am #303719lindseyParticipantAnita,
Yes I agree. I guess I did want more but I don’t want him to know that pride wise lol. Also, I was looking at immediate gratification versus long term/down the road. I knew I was not ready to date anyone. It seems that conversation benefited because he texts more now. I’m glad we are friends.
Lindsey
July 17, 2019 at 9:19 am #303721AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
You think so well when you are not anxious, my goodness! Better make it your first priority every day to keep your anxiety low, because when the anxiety is low, your wisdom shows up!
anita
July 17, 2019 at 9:21 am #303723lindseyParticipantAnita,
I know, thank you. It’s pretty downhill quick once that anxiety kicks in. Have a good Wednesday.
Lindsey
July 17, 2019 at 9:24 am #303725AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
You are welcome. Thank you, will try to make it a good Wed., you too.
anita
July 17, 2019 at 12:49 pm #303743lindseyParticipantHi Anita,
I did not mention before that I had sent a joking text yesterday around 6pm that I believe K took the wrong way. We had been texting back and forth joking around. I responded later apologizing and he ended up texting later at 10pm saying it was fine and he had been away from his phone since he got off of work at 7pm. I am feeling some anxiety because I feel like I overrated last night and with saying sorry. Really I just feel like a fool. I haven’t spoken with him yet but a sent a funny video about 45 minutes ago and haven’t heard back which also increases my anxiety. I know I should not be worrying about this like I am but I can feel my anxiety starting and I’m just trying to stop it.
Lindsey
July 17, 2019 at 1:25 pm #303745AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
“I just feel like a fool”- but you are not a fool. You are wise- I documented it in a post to you today! It is more than half an hour ago since you sent the above post to me, about your anxiety increasing. I was away outside and just got back. How is your anxiety now?
anita
July 17, 2019 at 1:53 pm #303747lindseyParticipantAnita,
My anxiety is there, it’s like a fog I can see it from far away and is coming closer but it’s getting thinner. I’m trying to not allow negative thoughts to enter my brain. They come and go. There is what I am trying to rationally stay at in my head. 1. he is not upset with me and will talk with me again. 2. He does not have to respond right away or at all to a funny video sent. 3. He’s working he’s busy. Lots of times people are quiet b/c they have their own things going on-it’s not all about my anxiety.
Lindsey
July 17, 2019 at 2:30 pm #303749AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Anxiety is tough- I know, had decades of it and it is not gone. All we can do is do our best to manage it and lower it, and this is just what you are doing.
It happened repeatedly before that you texted him, he didn’t answer for a long time and before you know it he is asleep on your lap, so nothing new today, nothing different happened. He likes you, I have no doubt. And he is not ready for a relationship, just like before. Nothing bad happened, take slow deep breaths and repeat: nothing bad happened, nothing different from before.
anita
July 17, 2019 at 2:35 pm #303751lindseyParticipantAnita,
Thank you. The anxiety is not that bad but yes it is tough to handle. My brain works against me telling my illogical things that I know are not true.
Lindsey
July 17, 2019 at 2:53 pm #303753AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is all about correcting those “illogical things that I know are not true”. One exercise I did in CBT therapy with my then therapist was to state the initial thought that caused me anxiety, then correct the thought so it fits reality and then write how I feel after the correction. Also, write the kind of distortion in that initial thought (there is a list of such distortions).
I don’t know if you are familiar with this exercise. You may find this exercise online. My introduction to CBT was “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies”, it included a workbook, exercises and all. It may help you further in your efforts to correct your thinking, and in doing so, feel better.
anita
July 17, 2019 at 2:59 pm #303755lindseyParticipantAnita,
OK I will check out the book. Yes I have hard of CBT. I will try the exercise.
1. My distortion is K is mad at me for my texting yesterday. He did not respond to my text today. what if he never texts?
2. My correct thinking is he is not mad and he told me so last night. He may have read my text of a funny video but just didn’t reply-maybe he didn’t think it was that funny. Maybe he is not in a good mood and trying to work and not talk to anyone. He will contact me again.
After reading the corrections I realize I had anxiety about last night sense I woke up. I think I sent that funny video today via text because of my anxiety. I was reaching out. I need to work on that fact that people may take things the wrong way or there may be a disagreement but that does not mean I will lose that person or that they will just go away and I will never hear from them again.
Lindsey
July 17, 2019 at 3:14 pm #303757AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I don’t think he took your joking text the wrong way, not texting you today is probably nothing to do with that text. He is a bit of a mess, as so many of us are. Not about your text.
“K is mad at me for my texting yesterday”- when your mother kicked you out of her life, basically, it was not because of anything you did. But you thought it was something you did, children think this way. Fast forward, someone does not respond on time or at all, to your text, you think: what did I do wrong? It is an automatic reaction because of your unfortunate experience with your mother.
“what if he never texts”- that is the all-or-nothing distortion, “never”- a child thinks in these terms, always and never. Most of the time there are things in between the always and never.
“maybe he didn’t think (the video) was funny”-probably. I can’t tell you how many times I thought someone will love a song or a movie because I did, but didn’t happen. Same for people sharing with me a song they feel so strongly about, or a movie they just love- didn’t mean anything to me. The connection between a video and enjoying it is highly personal. Better not even share videos, or songs, expecting someone to enjoy it or find it meaningful just because we do.
“maybe he is not in a good mood”- sounds right, he is often not in a good mood, from what you shared.
“He will contact me again”- most likely.
“there may be a disagreement but that does not mean I will lose that person”- an activation of your experience with your mother, that is all it is.
anita
July 18, 2019 at 10:54 am #303813lindseyParticipantAnita,
Thank you for yesterday. You were right. He did eventually text. I feel like my anxiety was not nearly as bad as it’s been in the past. I’m going to start using that exercise I think it helps.
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