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June 18, 2019 at 9:24 am #299665
AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Not a big deal, Lindsey- you sent him a text, that is all, it is not like you took your clothes off in front of him and he walked away. It is only a text !
Here is the thing: don’t send him a second text, just don’t do it ! If he never answers you, do not send him a second text. In other words, unless he answers you next (be it today, next week, whenever), do not send him another text.
anita
June 18, 2019 at 9:55 am #299667
lindseyParticipantAnita,
He answered. It’s fine. I’m over react I know. He’s difficult. Keeping him at arms length literally. Not sure we will really continue talking. I’ll keep you posted.
Lindsey
June 18, 2019 at 10:08 am #299669AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
That is all he texted you back, “It’s fine”?
anita
June 18, 2019 at 11:15 am #299673lindseyParticipantAnita,
He texted “hey! sorry I had huddle and then got into my que. and ya is not that I don’t wanna talk to you. I also just don’t care to have to talk to someone constantly, it is selfish but I just don’t like when someone gets upset that I just do me, my own thing. so I just well did me.”
and I replied:
“I don’t want to talk to you constantly that’s not it. You doing your own thing takes some getting used to sorry but it does for me. You literally go from talking all the time one day to barely talking speaking the next. But it is what it is. no worries.
This exchange was between 11:30 and noon. I don’t know if we will continue talking. I’m not sending anything else.
Lindsey
June 18, 2019 at 11:34 am #299677AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
He wants to do his own thing, when he wants to do it. He already feels that you are raining on his parade of doing his own thing… so, you see, that pattern has been set in his experience: Lindsey is raining on my parade of doing my own thing.
Where do you go from here, if anywhere, once this is the pattern in his experience?
anita
June 18, 2019 at 11:52 am #299681lindseyParticipantAnita,
That reads like a child or teenager wanting to do their own thing. I’m an adult and need someone on my level even if they are just a friend.
I was thinking earlier that his wanting to do his own thing unexpectantly is not good for my anxiety. I was looking through my posts and I was unhealthy during that last 3 weeks. But my anxiety likes more anxiety. My anxiety also causes a big mess. He was feeling it he just didn’t know what it was. I’m not sure he will text again but at least if I see him around I will not feel weird or anything at all. I know if we continued anything I don’t think it would be in my best interest other than the occasional work text, etc. Nothing like we were doing before talking every day.
I feel like he is totally missing my point of view.
Lindsey
June 18, 2019 at 12:48 pm #299683AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
A person can do his her own thing and be a good friend/ partner to another, both. For example, he wants to do his own thing, staying on the sofa all day Sunday and not talk/ text to anyone, fine, he can call you and tell you: I feel like doing nothing all day other than lying down on the sofa, so I’ll text you tomorrow morning and we can get together Monday or Tuesday. Then come Monday, he texts you in the morning like he said he will and you get together Tuesday.
He did his thing and was responsible as a friend, in this example. On the other hand, he is on the sofa all Sunday, you text, he doesn’t return your text and the day rolls into Monday, no word from him- that is him doing his thing but being irresponsible to you as a friend.
anita
June 18, 2019 at 12:54 pm #299685lindseyParticipantAnita,
yes I agree he was irresponsible as a friend. Did his text read to you that he was done and just being polite or that a casual future friendship was possible.
Lindsey
June 18, 2019 at 1:30 pm #299689AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
His text reads to me that he is not done with you as a friend (or anything else) but that he is not at all rushing to be friends (or anything at all), that doing his own thing is a way higher priority than friendship for him. After all, think about it, doing his own thing is probably a higher priority for him than arranging for visitations with his own young daughter.
anita
June 18, 2019 at 2:26 pm #299697lindseyParticipantAnita,
you are so smart. I’ll got into an argument with my mom about an hour ago. I’ll will message later I’ve got to get some work done at work in the next hour lol.
Lindsey
June 18, 2019 at 2:32 pm #299701AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
You can tell me later about the argument, when you have time, if you want. I am interested to read what she said, what you said, not word by word, but approximately…?
anita
June 19, 2019 at 7:21 am #299793lindseyParticipantAnita,
It’s hard to summarize but I’m going to try. This was several texts and 2 phone calls. The argument started because she sent a group text to me and my ex stating that she was disappointed in both of us and that we needed to work together and quit arguing for the kids. I told her how wrong it was to send that text and her response was to hire a mediator and get everything on paper b/t me and the ex so we didn’t have to talk and I didn’t have to deal with him. I’m not doing that until I file for divorce and I will always have to talk to him in some manner.
One of my biggest complaints is she groups my ex and I together in the issues we are having and 80% of the problems come from him. He is abusive and a narcissist. So I told her she needs to be loyal to me I’m her daughter. She is overly friendly and has no boundaries with my ex. She puts the grandchildren first and the 3 of us are a package deal. I’m trying my best with what I’ve got but there is an impact on the kids with this separation/divorce/arguing they have witnesses. Also she down plays the abuse stating I need to get over it and she has had it worse so has my dad growing up as a child.
The last phone call ended bad yesterday evening. We have not talked since Easter when I called her crying that my ex had called me a bit*h in front of my daughter and I went home instead of going to Easter Brunch with them. Her response was so what I’ve been called worse, don’t ruin my holiday like you ruin all of them. She hung up on me when I said something like “that’s not how a mama acts, you’re not my mama.”
So at this point I’m just going to try to move forward with the counselor because things are not going to change and I need to accept it and work on my anger towards her. We could have a mediator in the future maybe a family member.
Lindsey
June 19, 2019 at 7:48 am #299805AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Her statement that you and your future-ex husband “needed to work together and quit arguing for the kids” as well as her idea of having a mediator are excellent suggestions and I hope you adopt those.
Problem is you need a mediator with your mother! A person who will explain to her a few basic facts that she has missed for a few decades, one being that she withdrew from you suddenly and drastically a couple of decades ago and was not there for you consistently ever since, if I understand correctly. Including now when you need her on your side, for a change.
Am I understanding correctly?
anita
June 19, 2019 at 8:04 am #299807lindseyParticipantAnita,
Yes you are. Do you think I should try and set up for a mediator to sit with us now? Even though we are not filing for divorce yet? A coworker suggested a mutual friend or couple that could sit down with us versus hiring a mediator due to cost.
Lindsey
June 19, 2019 at 8:18 am #299811AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
A mediator is an excellent idea, yes. If it would be a mutual friend, it will have to be an objective, neutral person with no impulsivity, calm much of the time, patient, assertive (!) and trustworthy. Do you know anyone like that?
* I will be away from the computer for an hour or so.
anita
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