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June 13, 2019 at 8:42 am #298891
AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Just what I was thinking, you are giving him a whole lot of power. And it doesn’t make sense that you will. He is not a god of some kind, only a human, and not a very strong human. Try to see him as he is, a struggling human, not less struggling than you. See him as a mortal and you will no longer give him power that belongs … to the gods (that don’t exist).
anita
June 14, 2019 at 6:42 am #299111
lindseyParticipantAnita,
Had the afternoon off and ran some errands and relaxed, went to the kids t-ball games. K texted me once, we joked around, short conversation. Didn’t hear from him last night.
I need to work with my counselor (we meet next Thursday) because a lot of my anxiety comes from worrying that K will just stop talking to me altogether suddenly. I felt this with M more so. I think it has a lot to do with the separation from my ex.
I am starting to get my anxiety in check a little. Starting to realize any type of romance with K just isn’t going to happen. He is immature and all over the place. I don’t need to invite that into my life.
Lindsey
June 14, 2019 at 6:51 am #299117AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Your evaluation of K reads accurate to me: “He is immature and all over the place”. Getting your anxiety in check is an excellent plan, can’t aim at something more worthy than feeling less and less anxious, less intensely, less often.
anita
June 14, 2019 at 7:59 am #299131lindseyParticipantAnita,
Can you tell me why I feel so fragile? Sometimes I feel like getting up and leaving and just going to live in the woods by myself with my dog. Lots of things give me anxiety, usually people and mostly men.
I just feel like I need some type of armor to protect myself. Like I should of seen this coming with K. right? Instead of acceptance anxiety kicked into overdrive.
Lindsey
June 14, 2019 at 8:49 am #299141AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I think you feel fragile now because this is how you felt when your mother kicked you out of home, when she bought a place without a room for you. I think you keep re-experiencing that same emotional experience of being alone, cut off from her.
anita
June 14, 2019 at 8:53 am #299143lindseyParticipantAnita,
How do I stop re-experiencing that? I think you are right
Lindsey
June 14, 2019 at 8:59 am #299145lindseyParticipantAnita,
My mom will be there this weekend. It there some way I can address it with her.
Lindsey
June 14, 2019 at 9:17 am #299153AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I don’t think your mother will help you with this, she hasn’t so far, and it has been twenty years after the fact!?
anita
June 14, 2019 at 9:20 am #299155lindseyParticipantAnita,
No I don’t think she will be able to help. It might not be a good time to address at all with her since she is here to see the kids and spend time with them. My counseling session is next Thursday.
Lindsey
June 14, 2019 at 10:05 am #299167AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Yes, counseling is the place to explore things, your mother is the last place to do so. That is a lost cause, looking for help to help you feel safer, has been a lost cause for over 20 years. In counseling, talk about that experience, of being cut off from her, finding yourself alone and … still feeling the same way today and every day. Fearing being cut off from K, by K. It is your mother projected into.. this 30 year old man.
anita
June 14, 2019 at 11:10 am #299177lindseyParticipantAnita,
What can I do between now and Thursday. I feel kind of awful. I feel like K is talking to me less since Tuesday evening after he came over and there is no explanation so it drives me crazy. I just hate this feeling I get. It’s anxiety I know. But it comes and goes like every hour. I do not think I should ask him what’s wrong. I think that is inviting more anxiety. I still want to keep him as a friend only but I’m not sure how to move forward.
Lindsey
June 14, 2019 at 11:20 am #299181AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
He told you about “a recent mistake of a one night stand with a coworker here at work set him back ‘big time'”, and that was “about a month ago. When he drinks his guard comes down”.-
well a month after that set back he shows up at your apartment Tuesday, tipsy.. you offered him the couch or the bed but he left … trying not to make another mistake.
This is not looking good to me: he wants a woman in his life and he is scared at the same time, conflicted, that would explain his unpredictable behavior.
anita
June 14, 2019 at 11:28 am #299183lindseyParticipantAnita,
So I should just let it go and not reach out? I wasn’t offering anything with the bed situation.
Lindsey
June 14, 2019 at 11:34 am #299187AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I understand you didn’t offer him sex Tuesday, but I figure it was on his mind, and he got scared. I told you that he was anxious too, didn’t I- he is anxious himself. He wants you and he is scared so he withdraws, reaches out when he feels better, withdraws when he feels scared. Treat him like you would treat a child who is scared- gently.
anita
June 14, 2019 at 11:48 am #299189lindseyParticipantAnita,
OK. That was really good advice. I just messaged him and asked if everything was ok because he had been quiet since Tuesday and I stated I was just trying to be polite with bed/couch but that I tend to overthink things.
He said it was fine there was no problem, he had been quiet in general “just doin me.” Said he hadn’t slept good in 5 days and wanted to be in his own bed but that I was fine.
Maybe I am overthinking. But I saw the look on his face when I mentioned it. That look read scared to me. So maybe it’s a little of both, overthinking and him not sure what to do.
Lindsey
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