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June 12, 2019 at 9:06 am #298673
AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I agree, anxiety is a very unpleasant feeling and experience, I very much dislike it myself. How nice calm is in comparison, isn’t it? Try to not be carried away with that “constant doubt” thoughts. Notice any one thought, saying to himself something like: I just thought that maybe he doesn’t like me anymore because of the way he said ‘hi”. Well, if he doesn’t like me anymore, there is nothing I can do about it, is there. Thinking about it is happening in between my ears, it is not going to make a difference to him. So calm- I choose calm instead, it definitely feels better.
anita
June 12, 2019 at 9:44 am #298683
lindseyParticipantAnita,
I sent a work message to K 10 minutes ago and no response. I hate this. This is not fun. I do not understand.
Lindsey
June 12, 2019 at 9:46 am #298685lindseyParticipantAs I hit send he replied. I think I need to calm down today. Try to meditate later.
June 12, 2019 at 10:30 am #298693AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
May calm be with you. Keep the intent to calm down the whole day and hope to read that you achieved that aim for the most part at the end of the day.
anita
June 12, 2019 at 3:19 pm #298739lindseyParticipantAnita,
I ended up going home. My anxiety was going crazy. I feel like I need some type of reassurance because he seemed quiet today.
I feel like I’m not doing as well as I should. Realistically someone is not going to hang out with you and the next day decide they don’t like you. Please help.
Lindsey
June 12, 2019 at 3:43 pm #298745AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Think about the danger you are scared of, that he will not like you anymore. How is it dangerous?
If a cougar approached you as you walk at night, that is danger. If a tornado is getting close.. danger, you are starving, skin and bones.. danger, thirsty and lost in a hot, dry desert, danger.
K not liking you, no danger. No danger, no fear.
It is unpleasant to not be liked by someone we like, but no danger. No danger- No fear.
anita
June 12, 2019 at 4:15 pm #298747lindseyParticipantAnita,
then I feel extremely unpleasant lol. My body makes it feel like I’m in danger. Unpleasant thoughts just go around and around in my head. I’m very tired and very down on myself.
Lundsey
June 12, 2019 at 4:25 pm #298749AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I know the nature of anxiety, fear without danger, no present or imminent danger, and yet there it is, fear. It helps sometimes to say to oneself: no danger- no fear when you look around and figure, oh, there is no danger for me right here and right now. It helps to say it and take deep breaths as you say it.
K is probably anxious too, this is why he likes to get tipsy. I like to get tipsy myself, but not drunk, of course, just tipsy, pleasant. But I digress again.
No Danger- No Fear.
I will soon be away from the computer for the rest of the day and back in about 13-14 hours from now.
anita
June 13, 2019 at 6:51 am #298827lindseyParticipantAnita,
I woke up this morning and almost texted K that I did not want to be friends anymore. I’m kind of at the end of my rope emotionally. The days where he barely talks ( about once a week) makes me literally feel like I’m going crazy. I also am starting to have doubts of more than a friendship will happen based on his maturity level as I get to know him more. I think that’s also contributing to the anxiety I am feeling.
Is there a way I can provide myself reassurance? That seems to be the reason for a lot of my anxiety. I am not in a position right now to discuss my anxiety with him. I would rather eat dirt that try to explain to him or ask him for reassurance at this point.
Lindsey
June 13, 2019 at 7:01 am #298835AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
If he is not a reliable man, emotionally volatile and you need a reliable and stable man, there is no assurance or reassurance that will be true. No reassurance is appropriate if there is no truth to it.
He is 30, he lives with a roommate, what else do you know about him?
anita
June 13, 2019 at 7:08 am #298837lindseyParticipantAnita,
He was in a toxic relationship from 22-27 has a daughter he does not see. Has had 2 relationships since then. Says he has a wall up. Says he is very careful who he gets involved with emotionally. Says a recent mistake of a one night stand with a coworker here at work set him back “big time.” That was about 1 month ago. When he drinks his guard comes down. Says he could never make prior girlfriends happy. Said they all wanted to marry him? Does not see his father, parents divorced, his father remarried 2 more times. He has 2 younger brothers, 21 y/o brother has autism. Gets along well with his mother.
Lindsey
June 13, 2019 at 7:28 am #298853AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Doesn’t read promising, unfortunately to you, because I know how much you need a promising relationship. Only a month ago he had a one night stand that set him back “big time”, and only a few days ago he arrived at your home tipsy. And he doesn’t see his own daughter, not a responsible father. His life in his original family was difficult, lots of stress there, growing up. I don’t think he attended psychotherapy… didn’t mention that to you?
anita
June 13, 2019 at 7:48 am #298861lindseyParticipantAnita,
No psychotherapy that I know of. There is some type of backstory with the daughter and the mom not allowing him to see her but he pays child support.
I feel awful and don’t know what to do. Whenever he gets these quiet days where he doesn’t talk much I take it personally and when I reach out I feel worse after. I don’t know what to do
Lindsey
June 13, 2019 at 7:56 am #298865AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
He has the legal right to see his daughter. He probably doesn’t want to do what it takes.
It is not a good way to live, feeling good on a day he talks and feeling bad on a day he doesn’t talk. This means his amount of talking per day determines the quality of your day.
Either you learn to endure his quiet days or end the friendship/ whatever the relationship is at this point.
anita
June 13, 2019 at 8:38 am #298889lindseyParticipantAnita,
I agree. Trying to not focus on it. Focus on more important things in my life right now. I am giving him/the situation too much power over my life.
Lindsey
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