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May 14, 2019 at 8:29 am #293697
AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Good job being mindful. So far so good, like you wrote. Keep at it, being mindful and pacing yourself.
anita
May 17, 2019 at 4:11 am #294227
lindseyParticipantAnita,
So far so good. I’m sleeping through the night without any medication and my anxiety is down about 50%. Everything is going well with K. I’d say it’s on track.
Trying to make sure I’m not depending on him to make me feel better. Hope all is well. Going to his house for a cookout before watching Hame of Thrones. I’ll keep you posted.
Lindsey
May 17, 2019 at 6:42 am #294235AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Excellent report, optimistic and cautious, I like this combination. “So far so good”.
Regarding K, keep operating wisely, in so doing you will be maximizing the chances that there will be a healthy relationship with him. You can’t guarantee it, but you can do all you can do, wisely, cautiously. When you feel distressed, don’t impulsively say or do this or that to him. Wait until you are relaxed enough, then ask yourself, is saying this or doing that going to help me or hurt me in the long run? This is how you deal with distress and impulsivity- postpone saying and doing until you are calm enough to thoughtfully choose.
anita
May 20, 2019 at 10:23 am #294739lindseyParticipantAnita,
Spent evening with K and his roommate. Very fun evening. I’m starting to relax and be myself, last time I was nervous. Driving home he sent a text asking to hang out this coming weekend. Tentative plans for Saturday, not sure what we are going to do yet. To me this is moving toward the path of a date maybe. He texts all the time. It feels sweet and comforting. Is it possible for a person to bring out the worst in you? Or was M just too much to handle with the stress and changes I was going through? Is it fair to say he is not a good person? To take advantage of someone?
I will send a note or 2 through the week. I am a bit worried about Saturday as far as what to except. I do not feel like it’s appropriate to ask him as he did not make it clear it was a date. Either way I need to have my boundaries in place. Kiss and nothing more if that even happens.
Lindsey
May 20, 2019 at 11:09 am #294759AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Regarding M you did say that he has the reputation, in the office, of being an ass*&* (I think this is the word you used) until one gets to know him better, correct? Well, he may be that (word above) before and after one gets to know him and there is just this one time in between not knowing him personally and getting to know him that he is nice, just that one phase.
And it may be that K is a genuinely nice person, before you get to know him, as you get to know him and all through.
Pace yourself, Lindsey, be cautious this way, you don’t want to get into any frenzy, then say things and do things you cant unsay or undo. Relax best you can and don’t be too alert, but cautious and do determine the rules for the coming Saturday meeting or date. I hope you let me know what happens as the week progresses.
anita
May 20, 2019 at 12:34 pm #294795lindseyParticipantAnita,
Honestly I can’t say that I know M; we wanted different things and it ended in a big mess and was it not a good experience. He could be nice to me but also cruel. A learning experience.
I agree I’m getting a little ahead of myself worrying about Saturday. It has always turned out well and K has never put me in an uncomfortable position. I do hope it turns into a date. I believe I might be ready.
Lindsey
May 20, 2019 at 12:39 pm #294799AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
“He could be nice to me but also cruel”- the cruel undoes the nice, there is no such thing as the equal time principle, that is five minutes of nice undoes five minutes or one minute of cruel. Cruel shouldn’t be there at all. So if K is never cruel to you, that is a good thing.
Why care so much about the label of the Saturday get together, do your part in making it a special good time that you will not regret, be honest and patient with him.. and away from him, today.
anita
May 20, 2019 at 1:01 pm #294805
nz133ParticipantHey Lindsey! I’ve gone through something like that in the past and the best thing that I can tell you is to learn to let go. People these days are frustrated. They like to use people. You’re a badass and you need to hold yourself together. There is someone out there who is going to give you what you deserve!
May 22, 2019 at 9:53 am #295149lindseyParticipantAnita,
While I am enjoying time spent with K., the more I notice that I worry and get anxious about little things. For example if I don’t hear from him all day I will reread texts. I will start to think does he like me, is he going to make some type of move? This morning I’ve suddenly started worrying if he still even likes me. These worries seem very petty but are troublesome.
Is this anxiety? Is it also worry/anxiety about a possible friendship that grows closer? I really want these thoughts to stop because I don’t think they are rational. As I was writing this K messaged me at work.
Lindsey
May 22, 2019 at 10:13 am #295157AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Yes, it is anxiety. Anxiety is fear that keeps coming back even though there is no clear-and-present danger to the person.
Anxiety fuels thoughts, in your case, what if he doesn’t text me, what if he doesn’t like me and dozens and hundreds, maybe thousands of thoughts all in a day. Key is to calm down, relax best you can, to not get alarmed by the thoughts, recognizing that they are only thoughts, not reality.
In your context, that of a relationship (be it a beginning one), it takes something else to calm that anxiety, and that is that K does text you regularly, reasonably, not all day long but once a day, or twice, preferably at times you expect him to text. That will calm the anxiety, as it did, I bet, when he texted you while you typed your recent post, didn’t it?
anita
May 22, 2019 at 12:18 pm #295197lindseyParticipantAnita,
Yes it definitely calmed the anxiety. We talk several times throughout the day. He was off yesterday and is really busy today. I am proactively not messaging him on the work computer or via text. This is almost a way for me to control myself and my worries. I do not need to talk to him all the time and I will be fine. I will try and remember that the thoughts are only thoughts, not reality. In my head it’s like these thoughts ARE reality. I also do not want to rely on him so much or his texts to reduce my anxiety in general.
Lindsey
May 22, 2019 at 12:50 pm #295207AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Reads good to me, to “proactively not message him on the work computer or via text”, this is what I referred to before as pacing yourself. Keep at it. I will soon be away from the computer for about 17 hours.
anita
May 23, 2019 at 8:14 am #295289lindseyParticipantAnita,
It’s been a rough morning. Had to drive my car to the shop and hoping it’s not too expensive for repairs. We think it is a leaky hose in the radiator. Yesterday afternoon I had sent a text to K because the day before he made a comment of how he hated the person he used to be. My text was hey you shouldn’t feel that way about yourself but I was also wondering what did this guy do?
Well. He sent 2 long texts and I’m confused. I’m summarizing here but he said people close to him in the past tried to change him and he removed himself from that life. It bothers him everyday and he doesn’t let anyone in that hasn’t known him from the beginning because they don’t understand why he is the way he is and they end up not speaking to him anymore or telling him to change. (this being ex-girlfriends) He is scared when something new comes along b/c of his past. Also he is very selective over who he lets close to him.
This just came pouring out and I don’t really know how to answer him. I did ask if I’m something new and he said yes but not along the line of a girlfriend as he was referring to past girlfriends. I did mention 1 or 2 things I’m struggling with but didn’t get specific. I’m not really sure what he is trying to tell me. He texted me in the evening as usual.
Lindsey
May 23, 2019 at 8:29 am #295297AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
“he said people close to him in the past tried to change him and he removed himself from that life”- this means that if you want a healthy relationship with him, better you don’t try to change him, that is, expressing to him that he shouldn’t feel the way he does, tell him how to feel and how to behave.
He wrote about people who don’t know him from before, “they don’t understand why he is the way he is and they end up not speaking to him anymore or telling him to change”- a possibility of what he means, and it is only a possibility, is the following: let’s say he was very selfless before, people pleasing, put himself last and recently he has changed, trying to be no longer selfless, and maybe he acts a bit selfish and people don’t understand why he is selfish, but people from before know why, because he was selfless before.
I hope the car repairs will not be expensive!
anita
May 26, 2019 at 3:22 pm #295855lindseyParticipantAnita,
Things have been pretty good. My ex refuses to take the dog for evening or overnight visits and it’s getting really frustrating. I drop her off and get angry calls and texts. He keeps saying this is your dog and says I’m going go see guys and that I’m lying to him. I’m supposed to have K over for a movie tonight we r still friends and this is the first time he’s coming over and I don’t want the dog there because she is Barky at first and I’m a little nervous.
The other night he told me he thought I was pretty great lol. I shared some things with him today bc I’m a little embarrassed by how small and old my apartment is. He was really great with his reply. I’m starting to like him and I’ll keep you posted.
Lindsey
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