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Dear TeaK,
Thank you once again for ur reply.
I understand every of ur advices above, and i also feel that it’s the best solution for me….. which is to detach myself from her as the future is uncertain… and also focus on the present such as improving myself.
But of course after this situation, as a human i’m deeply affected by it.
I feel like i’ve tried everything i can… but i still can’t get the conclusion i wanted.
As of today i still feel so down and sad, i even wished that tomorrow is 2025 so that i can see the outcome of this uncertainty. But of course it’d be unwise for me to think that i’d skip 4 years of my life only to see how is my outcome with her.
I feel so much unfairness, as i think she’s not as sad as me….. like i’m the only one who’s really madly in love and if she really loves me she’d put an effort for this situation…. maybe it’s because she said that she havent know me fully yet, as we only contact each other through texts but it’s also due to her situation in which she gets pressure from her family regarding relationship and also due to her insecurities for having an aunt who has a bad marriage.
Also she’s a girl…. like even if she feels sad…. she just need to wait if she wants a new boy…. like she only have to fix her appearance and a boy will come to her, even if she still feels sad eventually the boy who’s attracted to her will just convince her to not feel sad anymore… whereas me, i’m a guy and i have to convince myself to not give up and try to chase another girl. Also i cant feel sad in chasing girls, as girls will reject me as a “weak guy”. I know this sounds that i’m complaining, but yeah… this is what i feel now
.Do u think this is due to our age gap? Is 4 years actually a big age gap for relationships?
Do u think if i hope to fate everyday that i will be brought into the right path with her will only cause bad influence to me? Will it only remind myself of her?
As for improving myself, i really want to improve on the way i talk with girls….. i’m mostly shy at having an eye contact with girls… especially if i find them attractive idk why. Also i’m not really good at talking casually with people who im not really close with…… i have a feeling that some people (acquaintance) feels uncomfortable talking to me as i’m not a fun person to talk to….
When i really thought that i could date this girl, i also have this “communication insecurities” like i’m afraid she’s going to be turn off by how not fun i’m on communicating. I guess it’s because i’m an introvert.
I feel like i’m only good at communicating if i’m sharing my feelings and they hear about it….. like how i used to talk to my close friends…. but if it’s a casual talk…. i’m really not a fun person to talk with. Especially if most of my friends gather…. i wont talk much… i usually only listen.
Dear Felix,
I am sorry you’re feeling sad. But it’s normal – you hoped for a relationship with her, and she rejected you once, then she sparked your hope again, only to reject you once again.
I feel so much unfairness, as i think she’s not as sad as me…
She probably isn’t, that’s why she decided not to pursue a relationship with you. The person who initiates the break is never as nearly as sad as the one left behind. That’s the nature of breakups… I guess her feelings for you were less than yours for her, otherwise her parents couldn’t influence her so much. Because you said they didn’t really forbid her to date you, but only advised against it. But she readily accepted their advice, and even told you she doesn’t want a long-distance relationship, with your visiting her from time to time. If she cared about you enough and didn’t want to lose you, she would have been open for a LDR, to be able to get you know you better, face to face.
I too was in a LDR for 5 years, meeting my now husband approx. once per month. You two will be living only 45 minutes apart, it’s nothing. But she refused that, which means she doesn’t really want to deepen the relationship with you and get to know you better.
I think that you should accept the fact that she’s just not that into you, even if she’s told you differently. Her actions and her attitude (rejecting a LDR) speak more than her words…
Do u think if i hope to fate everyday that i will be brought into the right path with her will only cause bad influence to me? Will it only remind myself of her?
I don’t think it would benefit you to hope and pray for you two getting together. It would only prevent you from finding someone else, someone better… You yourself are very young, she is your first crush, your whole relationship happened online, so it wasn’t even a real relationship since you didn’t really go on dates, have you? I dare to say that you practically haven’t experienced a real relationship yet.
You say you’re madly in love, but you haven’t even held her hand, have you? You are in love with an image of her, and also with the feeling you had while interacting with her: you felt appreciated, you felt someone values you and shows interest in you. You desperately needed this kind of attention – positive attention – from people, because you haven’t received it from your parents. She provided it for you, and it made you feel loved.
But it doesn’t mean she is the one for you. There are other girls out there who might like you and appreciate you, and want to go on dates with you, and even plan a future with you. You’re only at the beginning. 22 years is super young. As I told you once before, even at 32 you’ll still be young. You’ve got 10 years to work on yourself and find a suitable girl. There is no rush.
I know that i should focus on improving myself, but it’s so hard to stop thinking about her…
I know, because you tend to overthink and obsess about things (your internal saboteur!), and she is another obsession of yours, which your mind easily slips into. You start thinking and overthinking until your brain explodes and you decide that “I’m so tired with life”. The obsessive thinking does that to you – it drains your energy, it makes you stuck in an endless loop. It’s like getting caught in an eddy, you try to swim out, but cannot, the pull is stronger…
We’ve spoken about the ways you can silence the anxious mind. The best would be to do some physical exercise (you said you’d try jogging around the block) to stop the mental chatter…
Dear Felix,
I understand that you want to feel liked by others, and you believe that in order to be liked by others, you need to do what everybody else is doing. The truth is that you cannot feel liked by others unless you first like yourself. Because if there’s a hole within, it’s like a bottomless pit – no amount of attention and praise will be enough. And even if you get positive attention and praise, you’ll question whether it’s true, whether people are sincere or they are just faking that they like you.
You see what I mean? Without that internal security and self-confidence, there’s really no outer “proof” that can satisfy you. Without it, you will always question yourself and other people’s intentions – even if they are sincere… I believe you realize that, because you are quick to question everything and always find a potential problem, even in harmless situations.
So the solution to your problem is not to find external approval – because you won’t believe it anyway! The solution is to develop internal approval – which means to like yourself and love yourself.
The solution is not to become extrovert, if you’re an introvert. The solution is not to talk about superficial things, if you prefer deeper topics and talking about emotions. The solution is not to become someone else, but to be yourself, with confidence.
I know it’s hard for you to be yourself with confidence, because you haven’t received enough stimulus from your parents. Your father was emotionally closed off, never smiled, workaholic, focused only on his work and duties, didn’t know how to have fun. And your mother was constantly worrying about you and your growth and development. She treated you as if there was something wrong with you, she worried about you and doubted that you can be a successful and thriving adult.
You grew up in such an atmosphere. You didn’t receive positive attention, but negative attention from your mother. She might have been “supportive”, as in helping a disabled child and relieving you from all duties – but you were not disabled! She didn’t have faith in you, and you don’t have faith in yourself either.
And probably she’s still the same, she probably still sees you as weak, fragile and incapable of life. She still sees you as her “disabled” child.
You need to change that image about yourself. You’re not disabled, you’re not incapable, you’re not less than others. My advice is to 1) adopt a positive self-image (use mantras, affirmations, love your inner child, have faith in him, etc), 2) do things that will give you a sense of accomplishment (to counter the idea that you’re weak and incapable), 3) do physical exercise to reduce mental chatter and produce good chemicals in your brain, such as dopamine.
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