Need some advice, as im so frustrated

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This topic has 184 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.

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October 2, 2021 at 5:25 am #386955

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear TeaK,

Thank you once again for ur reply.

I’ve tried praising that little boy, it did worked as i’ve stop posting from social media and now it came back due to other people’s actions AGAIN…

Yesterday’s post is just too much to handle for him… it really hurts when your no 1 weakness gets exposed like that in social media. I feel like i shouldnt have attend that gathering… if i didnt i wont think like this today.

I know i should love and praise that little boy, but it’s just too much for him to bear… it’s suffocating…. Especially when this adult life is so dull. I dont know how i can keep going forward in life with this issues.

I tried punching the wall many times but it didnt help me calm, my hands are a bit bruised now… and i dont even give much thought about it.

October 2, 2021 at 8:21 am #386959

Tee
Participant

Dear Felix,

I’ve tried praising that little boy, it did worked as i’ve stop posting from social media and now it came back due to other people’s actions AGAIN…

You praised yourself for not posting… but when you started posting again, or someone else posted a photo of you, this same wound (of not feeling loved, of believing there is something terribly wrong with you) got opened again. You still need to appreciate yourself (and that little boy) and accept him just as he is, even if he is short and thin.

it really hurts when your no 1 weakness gets exposed like that in social media.

People who know you in person know that you’re short. Your height isn’t something new to them, so it didn’t really get “exposed”, because it wasn’t a secret in the first place. Your friends and acquaintances accept you as you are – they don’t mock you, do they? It’s just your mother who mocks you and doesn’t accept you as you are… and consequently, you don’t accept yourself either.

I feel like i shouldnt have attend that gathering… if i didnt i wont think like this today.

As I said, you won’t solve the problem by hiding from people and being a hermit…

I know i should love and praise that little boy, but it’s just too much for him to bear… it’s suffocating…. Especially when this adult life is so dull. I dont know how i can keep going forward in life with this issues.

It’s suffocating because your adult self is quite weak, and when the wound gets activated, you’re pretty much completely identified with that little boy. That’s why you cannot soothe yourself. On top of that, you still live with your parents and are exposed to their criticism and belittling. Your mother is doing that to you all the time – she told you you’re only receiving salary because you are your father’s son, not because you deserve it. Now she mocked you again, telling you you look like a girl… You are exposed to this same treatment your entire life. This is how you have been programmed. And you completely believe your mother, you believe her words…

That’s why I told you it would be very important for you to become more independent from your parents, to move to a different place, for starters. I know it’s harder at the moment due to covid, but a part of your healing will definitely be moving away from your parents and sparing yourself from their mocking and belittlement.

October 3, 2021 at 8:14 am #386973

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear TeaK,

Thank you once again for ur reply.

“People who know you in person know that you’re short. Your height isn’t something new to them, so it didn’t really get “exposed”, because it wasn’t a secret in the first place. Your friends and acquaintances accept you as you are – they don’t mock you, do they?“

= Yes the people who know me know about my height but this time that person posted when i was standing beside a boy who’s 15cm more taller than me…. I never stand beside him and this is the first time and the pic got posted. Many random people wont know if that guy is really that tall, what they can see is that i’m very short compare to him. This is what causes my insecurity…. And in that pic most girls are about the same height as me because they wear heels, but they use long sleeve pants and the heels got covered…. I’m so doomed that it look like their real height with me is the same.

And i also don’t think it’s totally because of my mother, i remember girls said that they like taller boys, i know i’m short but i always make sure i will look less short and reducing the gap between the taller guys, but that “post” really showed how short i am compare to that 15cm taller guy. Before my mother commented on that pic, i already feel so insecure that it got posted.

If i didnt attend that gathering this wont happen… it’s basically my fault for being careless, i should’ve predicted those girls wear heels…

October 3, 2021 at 9:52 am #386981
Tee
Participant
Dear Felix,

Many random people wont know if that guy is really that tall, what they can see is that i’m very short compare to him. This is what causes my insecurity…

You meet many random people in the street or in the shops – do you think they care about how tall you are? Are you adjusting your position in the shop, so not to stand near a tall guy or a girl in heels? I am exaggerating, but this is what you are actually saying. That instead of healing your emotional wound, which causes you to believe that you are worthless due to your height, you believe that choosing a good spot while taking photos will bring you peace of mind?

Before my mother commented on that pic, i already feel so insecure that it got posted.

Sure, because your mother has been commenting on you and mocking you all your life. Your deep insecurity didn’t develop in a vacuum.

If i didnt attend that gathering this wont happen… it’s basically my fault for being careless, i should’ve predicted those girls wear heels…

I won’t be commenting on these types of regrets any more, because your problem is not bad positioning in a photo, but a deep sense of worthlessness. I have been trying to help you with the latter problem. Because I’ll say it again: your true problem is your deep sense of worthless, and not your height or your failure to camouflage your height.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.
October 3, 2021 at 11:26 am #386990

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear TeaK

Thank you once again for ur reply.

“You meet many random people in the street or in the shops – do you think they care about how tall you are? Are you adjusting your position in the shop, so not to stand near a tall guy or a girl in heels? I am exaggerating, but this is what you are actually saying. That instead of healing your emotional wound, which causes you to believe that you are worthless due to your height, you believe that choosing a good spot while taking photos will bring you peace of mind?“

= I think it’s because there are some people who havent really met me for a long time… and i remember they viewed me as a “tall guy” because i always wear tall shoes that i’m mostly taller than girls in every pic. And by seeing that pic i believe they would take back that comment they made and viewed me as the short guy. I’m really happy that time when they viewed me as “a tall guy”, at that day i keep telling myself to always look taller in most pics… i never failed until that “pic”.

Even that “girl” who i reject me to focus on uni, viewed me as a tall guy because she never met me and she could only see from social media pics…. Idk how she reacted when she saw that “pic”.

It’s not wrong right for me to always try to make myself look taller in every pic, like how most girls try to look skinny in every pic…. This is what i’ve been doing…

Tbh when u ask that do i adjust my position in the shop to make my height more ideal, yes i did… i always try to make myself look tall when talking with someone random… and also every time a random person passed through me in the mall… i’ll always compare each of their height with me… i know it sounds crazy but it’s what i think when people passes through me in the mall…

I tried to stop my frustration by punching, i punch my bed with anger…. It gives me a temporary satisfaction that i can release my anger, but still i cant get rid of this frustration.

I also haven’t mentioned that in my uni days i used to be close with a girl in my uni, when she’s still in high school she’s really fat.. but when i met her on uni she’s not that fat and i saw her attractive so i get close to her… And she’s the same height as me…

I know it’s confusing because i said that i texted that “girl who rejected me to focus on uni” but i did get close to this girl too.

Long story short, we stopped chatting because she didnt reply me the same way after a few months of getting close with each other…. One of her friends that i know told me that she feels she’s bigger than me and she also wants to focus on loving herself and on her diet. That situation killed me, i also struggled on our same height, i’m afraid that her parents might push me away when they saw i’m the same height as her…. i keep trying to be brave…. But then she leaves me…. It really hurt my self esteem…

I think my sense of worthlessness develops throughout the year because i experience numerous scenarios which triggers it.

Life is so hard, not only i have to keep on living with this struggles… i also need to do well on my job and achieving things in life…. It’s really exhausting…. I’m really trying to keep myself mentally strong… i dont seem to find life as a happy journey anymore… every day is a survival and full of struggles….

October 3, 2021 at 11:36 am #386992

Tee
Participant

Dear Felix,

I think my sense of worthlessness develops throughout the year because i experience numerous scenarios which triggers it.

You seem to not want to see how your upbringing and your mother’s treatment lead to your sense of worthlessness. You get triggered in even the most innocent situations, so it’s not the situation that’s problematic, but it is how you react to the situation.

October 3, 2021 at 11:54 am #386995

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear TeaK,

I keep thinking it’s not due to my mother because i know she wants the best for me….but few years back i did blame her that im this short… why didnt she encourage me to do some exercise when i was a kid or why didnt she give me some supplements to make me taller? As a child i dont really know those stuffs until i can think logically myself… we had a quarrel that time and she told me that if she knew she would have encourage me too, she said which mother doesnt wants the best for their child… I cried that time, i feel so hopeless with my height… and ultimately ended with me letting go of that blame on her…

Is the situation i mentioned really an innocent situation for me?
Does that mean every time i look short in any pic i should just let it go? I feel like im irresponsible for myself if i let it go.

October 3, 2021 at 11:30 pm #387022
Tee
Participant
Dear Felix,

few years back i did blame her that im this short… why didnt she encourage me to do some exercise when i was a kid or why didnt she give me some supplements to make me taller?

Your mother isn’t to blame for your height, nothing more than your father or your entire family tree is. It’s the genetics. She isn’t to blame either for not giving you supplements or encourage you to exercise as a kid, because one’s height doesn’t depend on those things, it’s a given. She could have encouraged you to do sports, but it wouldn’t have helped your height, just your strength and fitness. You can still exercise today and reach the wanted results – in terms of strength and fitness. You can improve your posture a bit and hold yourself more upright, which might help a little bit, but in general, your height is a given. If you want mental sanity and success in your life, you’d be better off if you accepted it, and focus on things you can change.

What your mother is to blame though is being overly worried for you as a child, fearing for your health, constantly telling you that you’re somehow not enough (not healthy enough, not strong enough, too thin…). Her attitude was demotivating, discouraging, and as a result (or at least partly as a result of that), you became lazy and unmotivated, and very dependent on your parents. And you also became very insecure about yourself, because she wasn’t telling you “yes, you can do it”, but “I am worried that you won’t be able to do it, so let me do it instead of you.”

I keep thinking it’s not due to my mother because i know she wants the best for me…

Maybe she does, but the methods she has been using are counter-productive and made you into an insecure and weak person, with very low self-esteem. You have been hearing all your life that something is wrong with you – how is that good for you? She has also spared you from all duties, does everything for you and treats you like a child. And you still feel and think like a child. You ask permission for everything from your parents, even though you are 22.

Does that mean every time i look short in any pic i should just let it go? I feel like im irresponsible for myself if i let it go.

You should accept your height as a given, same as gravity is a given on this planet. You cannot change it. Focus on things you can change – and there are plenty – and you’ll find happiness and peace of mind.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.
October 4, 2021 at 1:28 am #387026

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear TeaK,

You should accept your height as a given, same as gravity is a given on this planet. You cannot change it. Focus on things you can change – and there are plenty – and you’ll find happiness and peace of mind.

= I’ve been trying to accept my height… i never complained about it for the past few months… i just dont want anyone to expose it completely to public, it’s too much for me….
This friend of mine who posted that pic, she’s actually “fat” but she posted that pic because she looks thin there, i really hate it why must i come to her treat that time… it was her birthday treat… all i did was make her happy by attending her treat to make that picture look like she has a lot of friends…. I actually dont want to attend that gathering, but i feel bad for her and that’s why i came, but in the end it only resulted in a negative impact on me.

She’s also the person who posted goofy pics of me, like it really made me struggled for quite few months…. I dont think she’s a positive friend for me at all. I’ve seen some person who cut off ties from her too.

I know what u meant by accepting, but i dont see myself camouflaging my height as a problem… i dont mind if people find me short when they meet me (at least i can accept it better) or saw me in person, just not from pics especially if another person posted it, it’s caused by other person’s actions…. That person who posted that pic, she also camouflages her fats…

October 4, 2021 at 2:46 am #387031

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear TeaK,

I suddenly think of a solution regarding that pic, can i ask ur opinion on that solution?

October 4, 2021 at 3:43 am #387034

Tee
Participant

Sure, go ahead…

October 4, 2021 at 4:23 am #387036

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear TeaK,

This solution relates to me camouflaging my height again…. So on december one of my friends will have her birthday (she is a friend of me and the one who post that pic)…

I’m going to wish her a happy birthday by posting a pic of us together (6 people including me, her and the one who posted that “pic”)… in that pic i dont look small, like i’m one of the tallest…. I was thinking of changing people’s perspective to forgot that i look small in that “pic” by posting another new pic. Do u think this is a good idea?

October 4, 2021 at 4:42 am #387037

Tee
Participant

Dear Felix,

it might give you some relief, so yes, you can do it. But it won’t solve the main problem, because there will be new events and new pictures which will give you anxiety – for this or that reason. To use anita’s metaphor, it’s a “scratch” that won’t really resolve the “itch”.

October 4, 2021 at 11:26 am #387057

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear TeaK,

After i suddenly think of this solution, i feel a little sense of relief…. I’ve been staring at that “pic” everyday since it was posted.

Well it wont solve the main problem, but do u think it will change the perspective of the people on social media?

I feel like i have to clear this issue first before i deal with the main problem….

October 4, 2021 at 11:34 am #387058

Tee
Participant

Dear Felix,

Well it wont solve the main problem, but do u think it will change the perspective of the people on social media?

No, since those who know you in person know your height. And other, “random people” don’t care anyway.
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